Posted By: gymcandy1
Joe's Tuesday - 03/25/19 10:52 PM
Candied Scams
Where are all the Sour Patch parents?
~Comedian Bo Burnham~
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A Man Walks Into a Barbershop…
A man walks into a barbershop and asks, “How much for a haircut?”
“Twelve dollars,” says the barber.
“And for a shave?”
“Ten dollars.”
“All right,” says the man, settling into the barber chair. “Shave my head.”
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As the music swelled during a recent wedding reception, my hopelessly romantic husband squeezed my hand, leaned in, and said, “You are better looking than half the women here.”
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A client walked into my design studio with a black-and-white flyer.
Client: Can you make a color copy?
Me: Do you have the original?
Client: No. Just this one.
Me: Sorry, I can’t make color copies unless I have the original color version.
Client (confused): Why can’t you just run it through the color copier?
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My husband and I couldn’t decide which jacket to buy our granddaughter, so we asked the young salesman.
“If you were buying a jacket for your girlfriend,” I said, “what would you get?”
“A bulletproof one,” he said. “I’m married.”
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My seatmate on a flight was a woman. Ever the charmer, I asked, “Does the airline charge you extra for sitting next to good-looking men?”
“Yes,” she said, “but I wasn’t willing to pay.”
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As the music swelled during a recent wedding reception, my hopelessly romantic husband squeezed my hand, leaned in, and said, “You are better looking than half the women here.”
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A doctor sent this note to our medical clinic: “Patient needs a referral for your office from me. I saw her for her ankle and would like you to run over it.”
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These office drones know exactly what you’re thinking at work:
• No one likes hearing “agree to disagree.” Why don’t we just say, “You’re wrong, but I don’t feel like fighting about it right now”?
• Sorry, I don’t listen to lectures on being organized from people with 60 icons on their laptop’s desktop.
• Answers to questions asked on the way to the bathroom are not legally binding. People will agree to anything in that situation.
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Supervisor: This project isn’t something we can finish off quickly. It’s like an onion. It has layers that we have to peel away, one by one.
Coworker: And it will make us cry a lot.
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It’s Winter break time, and a lot of people will be traveling. Which means it’s also a great time to be the person who gets to approve visa requests, like these handed in by travelers to England.
• “I want to be closer to Elton John. He doesn’t come to Togo. Do you see him much in Britain?”
• “Do you know if it’s easier to find a wife in England? I’m struggling here [in Peru].”
• “Is everybody friends with the queen?”
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My cousin once called in sick to work because of a “death in the family.”
I was her boss.
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For much of her bartending shift, my wife had to contend with a rowdy customer. At the end of the night, he demanded, “Where’s the bathroom!?”
“Go down the hallway, and you’ll see a door marked gentlemen,” she said. “But don’t let that deter you.”
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From a church bulletin: “The new parking area looks great. Thanks to the men who turned out Saturday to help with the groveling.”
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Our neighbor brought over a delicious homemade meal, eliciting this comment from my daughter: “No offense, Mom, but Kristi’s dinner makes you look like a really bad mother.”
My older daughter quickly jumped to my defense.
“Parker, that’s absolutely not true,” she said. “Kristi just makes Mom look like a really bad cook.”
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Have a date for Valentine’s Day? Hope it doesn’t end up like these @FirstDateHell dates.
• He couldn’t remember my name, so he asked if I would mind if he just called me Amy instead.
• In a restaurant, she said she did a great impression of a fax machine. Then she beeped loudly while unraveling a napkin from her mouth.
• He said, “From your photo, I thought you were too good for me. I’m glad to see you’ve got flaws.” Then he listed them.
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It’s easy to get disoriented when visiting New York City. One befuddled tourist asked his hotel concierge, “The last time we were in NYC, we got out of a subway, and we saw some water and some boats. Do you know where that is?”
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I was visiting my mother one day, when she passed the candy dish full of chocolates and took one for herself.
“I thought your doctor told you to stop eating candy,” I said.
“Oh, I don’t have to listen to him anymore,” she replied.
“Why not?”
“He died.”
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Good morning everyboomie.
if it's the day after yesterday then that's awesome, cuz Tuesdays are infinitely better than Mondays, and I had a pretty darned good Monday.
I went out to the sod farm Monday. They had a fair amount of rain since my last visit, and I was able to find four nice points and four or five scrapers.
It will be hard to top that. I expect Tuesday will be used up with more home improvement chores.
Have a super Tuesday everyone.
joe
on your newest finds from the sod farm Joe ... well done!
, Ana 
, (thanks) - Soot 
and family 
Have a wonderful Tuesday everyone! 
wishing you a wonderful day and sending prayers for your best friend brother.
hope you have/had a beautiful relaxing walk..