Posted By: gymcandy1
Thunp Day Joe's - 03/28/19 12:02 AM
I gave my father $100 and said, “Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.” So he went out and bought a present for my mother.
~Rita Rudner~
`````````````````````
“That’s a nice plant,” said a woman at the florist’s shop, pointing to the flower I was buying.
“Yeah, my wife and I had an argument,” I admitted. “I was going to buy her a dozen roses, but I don’t think she’s that mad at me.”
````
In New York City, if you have a complaint or a question, dial the city’s 311 hotline and you might get it solved. We doubt these callers did.
“Who won American Idol?”
“Can you check to see if my boyfriend is married?”
“Can I claim my dog on my income tax?”
````
I recently ran into an old student of mine, who said, “I always liked you. You never had favorites. You were mean to everyone.”
````
Scene: Me at our auto dealership, cold-calling customers.
Me: Hi, I’m calling on behalf of…
Customer: Is this a recording?
Me: No, I am not a recording, sir. May I please speak to…
Customer: I don’t believe you!
````
Going in for a job interview? Don’t mess it up with questions like these from real candidates:
“Can my husband finish the test for me?”
“Would you consider going on a date with me?”
“Can I place my desk near the cafeteria?”
“Do I have to be at work every day?”
````
My first day on the job at an IKEA store, I was told by my boss that employees needed to go to the meeting room before every shift.
I asked why. He said, “Assembly required.”
````
A woman went into my father’s insurance office with her newborn twins. Dad asked her if she’d ever had any trouble telling them apart.
She gave him an odd look and said, “No, I haven’t had any problem. This is Benjamin, and this is Elizabeth.”
````
During graduate school, I tutored a football player in Psychology 101. After the session, my supervising professor asked me if I was interested in the student, since he was a good-looking athlete.
“No, I’m not,” I assured him.
“Yeah, you probably prefer men who eat quiche,” he joked.
“Actually, I prefer men who can spell quiche.”
````
Eight fellow accountants and I got into the elevator at work, never stopping our discussions about an upcoming meeting. After a minute, a voice from the back interrupted us.
“So,” a man said, “how many accountants does it take to press the elevator button?”
````
After cleaning my five-year-old patient’s teeth, I accompanied him to the reception area, only to see him struggle with the oak door.
“It’s heavy, isn’t it?” I asked.
“Yes,” he said. “Is that so children can’t escape?”
````
As I headed into a liquor store, a colonel came out carrying two bags. I snapped to attention and saluted. The colonel responded in kind. The result: the soul-crunching sound of both bags crashing to the sidewalk. As liquor seeped into the gutter, he choked out, “Don’t ever salute me again!”
````
Sign above the toilet in a women’s latrine at Camp Ripley in Minnesota: “If you are reading this sign while using this latrine, you are in the wrong one.”
````
After leaving the Army, I applied for a hunting permit but was told I would first need to take a hunter’s safety course. “I’m a veteran, trained in handling firearms,” I said. “Why wouldn’t I get a waiver?”
The clerk replied, “Because we teach you not to shoot people.”
````
I could barely understand my client due to a lousy phone connection.
“Sorry,” he said. “I have the AT&T every-other-word plan.”
````
I recently learned a valuable lesson regarding what not to say to patients. At our large hospital, I watched as a nursing assistant pushed an elderly woman in a wheelchair. As he opened the door leading from the clinic into the hospital wing, the patient looked confused. “Where are we?” she asked.
The nursing assistant gently explained, “We’ve gone over to the other side.”
````
I eavesdropped on two of my language arts students. The first one asked, “Did you warsh your hands?”
“It’s not warsh, it’s wash,” said the other. “The r is silent.”
````
Good morning everyboomie.
As sure as Wednesday follows Tuesday, Thump Day follows Hump Day.
So this is Thursday? Looks just like Wednesday. Wild and windy.
I went to the sod farm Wednesday. I had to wait till 11:00 because of the wind. We were warming up to 70 degrees, but it didn't feel that way with 13mph wind.
Anyway after walking around for 3 hours, I finally found a nice point while digging around in the back corner. I also found several scrapers.
Thursday will be a nuther home project day.
I hope your day is nice and productive....if that's what ya want.
joe
~Rita Rudner~
`````````````````````
“That’s a nice plant,” said a woman at the florist’s shop, pointing to the flower I was buying.
“Yeah, my wife and I had an argument,” I admitted. “I was going to buy her a dozen roses, but I don’t think she’s that mad at me.”
````
In New York City, if you have a complaint or a question, dial the city’s 311 hotline and you might get it solved. We doubt these callers did.
“Who won American Idol?”
“Can you check to see if my boyfriend is married?”
“Can I claim my dog on my income tax?”
````
I recently ran into an old student of mine, who said, “I always liked you. You never had favorites. You were mean to everyone.”
````
Scene: Me at our auto dealership, cold-calling customers.
Me: Hi, I’m calling on behalf of…
Customer: Is this a recording?
Me: No, I am not a recording, sir. May I please speak to…
Customer: I don’t believe you!
````
Going in for a job interview? Don’t mess it up with questions like these from real candidates:
“Can my husband finish the test for me?”
“Would you consider going on a date with me?”
“Can I place my desk near the cafeteria?”
“Do I have to be at work every day?”
````
My first day on the job at an IKEA store, I was told by my boss that employees needed to go to the meeting room before every shift.
I asked why. He said, “Assembly required.”
````
A woman went into my father’s insurance office with her newborn twins. Dad asked her if she’d ever had any trouble telling them apart.
She gave him an odd look and said, “No, I haven’t had any problem. This is Benjamin, and this is Elizabeth.”
````
During graduate school, I tutored a football player in Psychology 101. After the session, my supervising professor asked me if I was interested in the student, since he was a good-looking athlete.
“No, I’m not,” I assured him.
“Yeah, you probably prefer men who eat quiche,” he joked.
“Actually, I prefer men who can spell quiche.”
````
Eight fellow accountants and I got into the elevator at work, never stopping our discussions about an upcoming meeting. After a minute, a voice from the back interrupted us.
“So,” a man said, “how many accountants does it take to press the elevator button?”
````
After cleaning my five-year-old patient’s teeth, I accompanied him to the reception area, only to see him struggle with the oak door.
“It’s heavy, isn’t it?” I asked.
“Yes,” he said. “Is that so children can’t escape?”
````
As I headed into a liquor store, a colonel came out carrying two bags. I snapped to attention and saluted. The colonel responded in kind. The result: the soul-crunching sound of both bags crashing to the sidewalk. As liquor seeped into the gutter, he choked out, “Don’t ever salute me again!”
````
Sign above the toilet in a women’s latrine at Camp Ripley in Minnesota: “If you are reading this sign while using this latrine, you are in the wrong one.”
````
After leaving the Army, I applied for a hunting permit but was told I would first need to take a hunter’s safety course. “I’m a veteran, trained in handling firearms,” I said. “Why wouldn’t I get a waiver?”
The clerk replied, “Because we teach you not to shoot people.”
````
I could barely understand my client due to a lousy phone connection.
“Sorry,” he said. “I have the AT&T every-other-word plan.”
````
I recently learned a valuable lesson regarding what not to say to patients. At our large hospital, I watched as a nursing assistant pushed an elderly woman in a wheelchair. As he opened the door leading from the clinic into the hospital wing, the patient looked confused. “Where are we?” she asked.
The nursing assistant gently explained, “We’ve gone over to the other side.”
````
I eavesdropped on two of my language arts students. The first one asked, “Did you warsh your hands?”
“It’s not warsh, it’s wash,” said the other. “The r is silent.”
````
Good morning everyboomie.
As sure as Wednesday follows Tuesday, Thump Day follows Hump Day.
So this is Thursday? Looks just like Wednesday. Wild and windy.
I went to the sod farm Wednesday. I had to wait till 11:00 because of the wind. We were warming up to 70 degrees, but it didn't feel that way with 13mph wind.
Anyway after walking around for 3 hours, I finally found a nice point while digging around in the back corner. I also found several scrapers.
Thursday will be a nuther home project day.
I hope your day is nice and productive....if that's what ya want.
joe
that Scottish Tea sounds warm and comforting to drink... wishing a terrific day... 
that's a good time to watch a good animal movie...on the bright side remembering your time with him is something you'll always have... may you have a great Wednesday. 
enjoy your day. 
Happy Thursday to you all!