Posted By: gymcandy1
Tuesday Joe's - 04/08/19 11:58 PM
Where there’s a will, there’s a relative.
~Ricky Gervais~
```````````````````````
I had just pulled over someone for driving under the influence when another car pulled up behind us. I stopped what I was doing and ventured back to see if the driver needed assistance.
“No, I don’t need any help,” he said, reeking of booze. Then, pointing to the flashing cherry top on the roof of my cruiser, he continued, “I just stopped for the red light.”
````
As a single, never-married woman in my 40s, I have been questioned endlessly about my status by friends, relatives and co-workers. Over the years I’ve noticed a subtle change in the nature of their inquiries.
In my teens, friends would ask, “Who are you going out with this weekend?”
In my 20s, relatives would say, “Who are you dating?”
In my 30s, co-workers might inquire, “So, are you dating anyone?”
Now people ask, “Where did you get that adorable purse?”
````
My husband bought an exercise machine to help him shed a few pounds. He set it up in the basement but didn’t use it much, so he moved it to the bedroom. It gathered dust there, too, so he put it in the living room.
Weeks later I asked how it was going. “I was right,” he said. “I do get more exercise now. Every time I close the drapes, I have to walk around the machine.”
````
One rainy morning, my mother went for her daily run. As she returned to the house, she slipped and fell, hitting her head on the driveway.
I called the paramedics. When they arrived, they asked my mom some questions to determine her coherency. “What is today?” inquired one man.
Without hesitation, Mom replied, “Trash day.”
````
I spent an afternoon helping my boyfriend move into a new home. In one carton I found a crockpot, with an odd-looking and very dirty metal lid. Later I ushered my boyfriend into the kitchen and asked why he hadn’t mentioned this perfectly good pot.
He stared at it, then replied, “Well, after I broke the lid I never thought of replacing it with a hubcap.”
````
About two o’clock one summer morning, my friend and her husband, who likes to sleep in his birthday suit, were awakened by a thunderstorm. They both dashed from the bed and began shutting windows. When her husband got downstairs, he realized the umbrella on the patio table had been left open and gusts of wind were causing the table to teeter precariously near the glass doors. He figured it would take only a moment to run out and take the umbrella down, so he did not waste time fetching a robe.
Once on the patio, however, he found the wind was stronger than he expected. Before he could close the umbrella, the wind lifted the shaft from the table and pulled it and him out into the yard. As he grappled with the umbrella, several flashes of lightning lit up the yard like a Broadway stage. Finally, he accomplished his mission and went back into the house, much to the relief of his wife, who had witnessed the entire episode.
They had no sooner settled in bed than the phone rang. It was their neighbor, who said, “We just wanted to let Mary Poppins know how much we enjoyed the show.”
````
Although I knew I had put on a few pounds, I didn’t consider myself overweight until the day I decided to clean my refrigerator. I sat on a chair in front of the appliance and reached in to wipe the back wall.
While I was in this position, my teenage son came into the kitchen. “Hi, Mom,” he said. “Whatcha doin’, having lunch?”
I started my diet that day.
````
My wife and her friend Karen were talking about their labor-saving devices as they pulled into our driveway. Karen said, “I love my new garage-door opener.”
“I love mine too,” my wife replied, and honked the horn three times. That was the signal for me to come out and open the garage.
````
My sister decided to go on a diet, and that first evening she phoned me. I could tell her mouth was full, so I asked her what she was eating.
“A cupcake,” she mumbled. “I just got on the scale, and it read 149 1/2 pounds. I decided that was no place to start a diet, so I’m rounding it off to 150.”
````
A client of our optometry business was jubilant after I replaced the scratched, dirty lenses in his eyeglasses with new ones.
“This is great!” he said. “I just gained two hours of daylight.”
````
My father’s secretary was visibly distraught one morning when she arrived at the office and explained that her children’s parrot had escaped from his cage and flown out an open window. Of all the dangers the tame bird would face outdoors alone, she seemed most concerned about what would happen if the bird started talking.
Confused, my father asked what the parrot could say.
“Well,” she explained, “he mostly says, ‘Here, kitty, kitty.’ ”
````
Living in a household with eight indoor cats requires buying large amounts of kitty litter, which I usually get in 25-pound bags—100 pounds at a time. When I was going to be out of town for a week, I decided to go to the supermarket to stock up. As my husband and I both pushed shopping carts, each loaded with five large bags of litter, a man looked at our purchases and queried, “Bengal or Siberian?”
````
My boyfriend and I were taking his 19-year-old niece to a weekend festival. When we arrived at her house to pick her up, she appeared in tasteful but very short shorts, and a tank top with spaghetti straps. A debate began immediately about appropriate dress. I took the girl’s side, recalling that when we began dating, I dressed the same way.
“Yes,” said my boyfriend sternly, “and I said something about it, didn’t I?”
Everyone looked at me. “Yeah,” I replied. “You said, ‘What’s your phone number?'”
````
My flight was delayed in Houston. Since the gate was needed for another flight, our aircraft was backed away from the terminal, and we were directed to a new gate. We all found the new gate, only to discover a third gate had been designated for our plane.
Finally, everyone got on board the right plane, and the flight attendant announced: “We apologize for the gate change. This flight is going to Washington, D.C. If your destination is not Washington, D.C., you should deplane at this time.”
A moment later a red-faced pilot emerged from the cockpit, carrying his bags. “Sorry,” he said, “wrong plane.”
````
I was getting into my car when I noticed a dent. On the windshield was a note and a phone number from the driver. “I feel terrible,” the woman apologized when I called. “I hit your car as I was pulling into the next parking spot.”
“Please, don’t worry,” I said to her. “I’m sure our insurance companies will take care of everything.”
“Thank you for your understanding,” she said. “You’re so much nicer than the man I hit on the way out.”
````
New to the United States, I was eager to meet people. So one day I struck up a conversation with the only other woman in the gym. Pointing to two men playing racquetball in a nearby court, I said to her, “There’s my husband.” Then I added, “The thin one—not the fat one.”
After a slightly uncomfortable silence she replied, “And that’s my husband—the fat one.”
````
Good morning everyboomie.
Sad to see Monday go? Never fear, Tuesday's here.
We hit the 80s today, and again for the next few days. Whew, it's heating up fast down here.
I don't have any hard plans. Playing it by ear again.
I do still have to pick up all the limbs from that tree I cut down. I'll probably at least do that.
I hope your day is a sweet & happy one.
joe
~Ricky Gervais~
```````````````````````
I had just pulled over someone for driving under the influence when another car pulled up behind us. I stopped what I was doing and ventured back to see if the driver needed assistance.
“No, I don’t need any help,” he said, reeking of booze. Then, pointing to the flashing cherry top on the roof of my cruiser, he continued, “I just stopped for the red light.”
````
As a single, never-married woman in my 40s, I have been questioned endlessly about my status by friends, relatives and co-workers. Over the years I’ve noticed a subtle change in the nature of their inquiries.
In my teens, friends would ask, “Who are you going out with this weekend?”
In my 20s, relatives would say, “Who are you dating?”
In my 30s, co-workers might inquire, “So, are you dating anyone?”
Now people ask, “Where did you get that adorable purse?”
````
My husband bought an exercise machine to help him shed a few pounds. He set it up in the basement but didn’t use it much, so he moved it to the bedroom. It gathered dust there, too, so he put it in the living room.
Weeks later I asked how it was going. “I was right,” he said. “I do get more exercise now. Every time I close the drapes, I have to walk around the machine.”
````
One rainy morning, my mother went for her daily run. As she returned to the house, she slipped and fell, hitting her head on the driveway.
I called the paramedics. When they arrived, they asked my mom some questions to determine her coherency. “What is today?” inquired one man.
Without hesitation, Mom replied, “Trash day.”
````
I spent an afternoon helping my boyfriend move into a new home. In one carton I found a crockpot, with an odd-looking and very dirty metal lid. Later I ushered my boyfriend into the kitchen and asked why he hadn’t mentioned this perfectly good pot.
He stared at it, then replied, “Well, after I broke the lid I never thought of replacing it with a hubcap.”
````
About two o’clock one summer morning, my friend and her husband, who likes to sleep in his birthday suit, were awakened by a thunderstorm. They both dashed from the bed and began shutting windows. When her husband got downstairs, he realized the umbrella on the patio table had been left open and gusts of wind were causing the table to teeter precariously near the glass doors. He figured it would take only a moment to run out and take the umbrella down, so he did not waste time fetching a robe.
Once on the patio, however, he found the wind was stronger than he expected. Before he could close the umbrella, the wind lifted the shaft from the table and pulled it and him out into the yard. As he grappled with the umbrella, several flashes of lightning lit up the yard like a Broadway stage. Finally, he accomplished his mission and went back into the house, much to the relief of his wife, who had witnessed the entire episode.
They had no sooner settled in bed than the phone rang. It was their neighbor, who said, “We just wanted to let Mary Poppins know how much we enjoyed the show.”
````
Although I knew I had put on a few pounds, I didn’t consider myself overweight until the day I decided to clean my refrigerator. I sat on a chair in front of the appliance and reached in to wipe the back wall.
While I was in this position, my teenage son came into the kitchen. “Hi, Mom,” he said. “Whatcha doin’, having lunch?”
I started my diet that day.
````
My wife and her friend Karen were talking about their labor-saving devices as they pulled into our driveway. Karen said, “I love my new garage-door opener.”
“I love mine too,” my wife replied, and honked the horn three times. That was the signal for me to come out and open the garage.
````
My sister decided to go on a diet, and that first evening she phoned me. I could tell her mouth was full, so I asked her what she was eating.
“A cupcake,” she mumbled. “I just got on the scale, and it read 149 1/2 pounds. I decided that was no place to start a diet, so I’m rounding it off to 150.”
````
A client of our optometry business was jubilant after I replaced the scratched, dirty lenses in his eyeglasses with new ones.
“This is great!” he said. “I just gained two hours of daylight.”
````
My father’s secretary was visibly distraught one morning when she arrived at the office and explained that her children’s parrot had escaped from his cage and flown out an open window. Of all the dangers the tame bird would face outdoors alone, she seemed most concerned about what would happen if the bird started talking.
Confused, my father asked what the parrot could say.
“Well,” she explained, “he mostly says, ‘Here, kitty, kitty.’ ”
````
Living in a household with eight indoor cats requires buying large amounts of kitty litter, which I usually get in 25-pound bags—100 pounds at a time. When I was going to be out of town for a week, I decided to go to the supermarket to stock up. As my husband and I both pushed shopping carts, each loaded with five large bags of litter, a man looked at our purchases and queried, “Bengal or Siberian?”
````
My boyfriend and I were taking his 19-year-old niece to a weekend festival. When we arrived at her house to pick her up, she appeared in tasteful but very short shorts, and a tank top with spaghetti straps. A debate began immediately about appropriate dress. I took the girl’s side, recalling that when we began dating, I dressed the same way.
“Yes,” said my boyfriend sternly, “and I said something about it, didn’t I?”
Everyone looked at me. “Yeah,” I replied. “You said, ‘What’s your phone number?'”
````
My flight was delayed in Houston. Since the gate was needed for another flight, our aircraft was backed away from the terminal, and we were directed to a new gate. We all found the new gate, only to discover a third gate had been designated for our plane.
Finally, everyone got on board the right plane, and the flight attendant announced: “We apologize for the gate change. This flight is going to Washington, D.C. If your destination is not Washington, D.C., you should deplane at this time.”
A moment later a red-faced pilot emerged from the cockpit, carrying his bags. “Sorry,” he said, “wrong plane.”
````
I was getting into my car when I noticed a dent. On the windshield was a note and a phone number from the driver. “I feel terrible,” the woman apologized when I called. “I hit your car as I was pulling into the next parking spot.”
“Please, don’t worry,” I said to her. “I’m sure our insurance companies will take care of everything.”
“Thank you for your understanding,” she said. “You’re so much nicer than the man I hit on the way out.”
````
New to the United States, I was eager to meet people. So one day I struck up a conversation with the only other woman in the gym. Pointing to two men playing racquetball in a nearby court, I said to her, “There’s my husband.” Then I added, “The thin one—not the fat one.”
After a slightly uncomfortable silence she replied, “And that’s my husband—the fat one.”
````
Good morning everyboomie.
Sad to see Monday go? Never fear, Tuesday's here.
We hit the 80s today, and again for the next few days. Whew, it's heating up fast down here.
I don't have any hard plans. Playing it by ear again.
I do still have to pick up all the limbs from that tree I cut down. I'll probably at least do that.
I hope your day is a sweet & happy one.
joe
Wishing everyone a Happy Tuesday! 
