Posted By: gymcandy1
Happy Hump Day - 04/09/19 11:25 PM
spent four years in
college. I didn’t learn
a thing. It was really
my own fault. I had
a double major
in psychology
and reverse
psychology.
~B. J. Novak~
````````````````````
I was in line at a restaurant. In front of me was a mother with her college-age son and his girlfriend. It was the middle of the dinner rush, and many customers were restless at the long wait, but the young couple, holding hands and kissing, were oblivious to everything around them. Although clearly not approving, the mother was silent, until one prolonged kiss when the young man had his face and hands buried in his girlfriend’s long, curly locks.
“Do you have to do that here?” the embarrassed mother asked.
“I’m not doing anything, Mom,” came her son’s muffled voice. “My earring’s caught in her hair.”
````
When I walked up to the ATM at my bank, I noticed someone had left his card in the slot. Since it was a Friday evening, I thought the Good Samaritan thing to do was try to find the card’s owner so he wouldn’t go the weekend without it. I looked up the person’s name in the phone book and gave him a call.
“I found your ATM card,” I told the man who answered.
He then asked hopefully, “You didn’t happen to find my sunglasses too?”
````
While away on business, a colleague and I decided to catch a movie. As we approached the theater, we read the marquee. It bore the name of the feature film followed by the numbers ‘7,’ ‘5,’ and ‘9.’ Assuming these were the show times, we were somewhat perplexed by their order.
I went inside to ask about it. “Our next show is at eight o’clock,” the woman in the box office announced.
“Eight o’clock?” I said, surprised. “But the marquee says seven, five and nine.”
“Right,” she agreed. “That’s 7:59. We lost our number eight.”
````
When my friend got a job, her husband agreed to share the housework. He was stunned by the amount of effort involved in keeping a house clean with small boys to pick up after, and insisted that he and his wife shop for a new vacuum cleaner.
The salesman gave them a demonstration of the latest model. “It comes equipped with all the newest features,” he assured them.
The husband was not convinced. “Don’t you have a riding one?” he asked
````
My husband, who is an auto mechanic, received a repair order that read: “Check for clunking noise when going around corners.” Taking the car out for a test drive, he made a right turn, and a moment later heard a clunk. He then made a left turn and again heard a clunk. Back at the shop, he opened the trunk and soon discovered the problem.
Promptly he returned the repair order to the service manager with this notation: “Remove bowling ball from trunk.”
````
A couple of hours into a visit with my mother she noticed I hadn’t lit up a cigarette once. “Are you trying to kick the habit?”
“No,” I replied, “I’ve got a cold and I don’t smoke when I’m not feeling well.”
“You know,” she observed, “you’d probably live longer if you were sick more often.”
````
When the skipper of an Icelandic trawler accidentally rammed Englishman Jim Hughes’s yacht, he caused $30,000 worth of damage. Exactly a year and a day before, reported the London Times, the skipper, Eriker Olafsson, had hit the same boat, causing $40,000 in damage.
What are the odds of this happening twice? Pretty good, since Olafsson purposely steered toward Hughes to apologize for the previous year’s collision.
````
Which windshield wiper blade always quits first? That’s right—the driver’s side. This happened to me one day while driving home in the middle of a blinding storm.
Unable to see, I pulled over and tried to figure out a quick fix. I found it in a yellow cotton work glove that was lying on the floor. I wedged the cloth hand under the wiper arm.
It did a great job keeping my windshield clear. Not only that— you’d be surprised at how many people waved back.
````
We purchased an old home in northern New York State from two elderly sisters. Winter was fast approaching, and I was concerned about the house’s lack of insulation. “If they could live here all those years, so can we!” my husband confidently declared.
One November night the temperature plunged to below zero, and we woke up to find interior walls covered with frost. My husband called the sisters to ask how they had kept the house warm. After a brief conversation, he hung up. “For the past 30 years,” he muttered, “they’ve gone to Florida for the winter.”
````
Bad weather meant I was stuck overnight at O’Hare airport in Chicago. Along with hotel accommodations, the airline issued each passenger a $10 meal ticket, or “chit.” That evening after dinner I presented my meal ticket to the cashier.
“Is this chit worth $10?” I asked.
Looking up nervously, the cashier responded, “I’m sorry, sir. Was the meal that bad?”
````
My wife and I run a small restaurant where we often name our specials after our employees—dishes like “Chicken Mickey,” after our dishwasher who gave us the recipe, and “Rod’s Ribs,” after a waiter who had his personal style of barbecue. One evening after rereading the menu, I broke with this tradition and changed the description of the special we had named after our chef.
Despite her skills and excellent reputation, somehow I didn’t think an entrée named “Salmon Ella” would go over big with our customers.
````
The customer ordering a floral arrangement from my shop was giving me very specific guidelines. “Nothing fragrant,” she instructed. “Nothing too tall or too wild. And no bright colors, please. My house is decorated in beige and cream. Here is a wallpaper sample.” She handed me a plain square of tan-colored paper.
“Your name?” I asked.
“Mrs. Bland,” the woman replied.
````
When a fellow piano tuner was ill, I took over his assignment of tuning a piano in a girls’ boardinghouse. While I was at work, several of the girls strolled casually through the room in various states of undress. The climax came when a young lady in startling deshabille appeared to pay the bill.
As I was writing the receipt, she suddenly gave me a bewildered look, then fled, screaming, “That’s not our regular man!”
Their regular man is blind.
````
My nephew, a flight attendant, split the back of his pants one day during a flight. To save embarrassment, he decided to work in front of the beverage cart, facing forward.
The arrangement worked perfectly until he got to the last row and a passenger leaned over to him and said in a low voice, “Your fly is open.”
````
During the mortgage closing on our summer house, my wife and I were asked to sign documents containing small print. When I asked if I should read it, my attorney replied, “Legally, you should. But here’s the bottom line: If you pay your installments on time, there is nothing in there that could harm you. Should you stop paying, however, there is definitely nothing in the small print that can save you.”
````
The speaker at my bank’s drive-through window had been broken for weeks, and we tellers had to resort to miming or writing notes to communicate with our frustrated customers. One day a sweet elderly lady whom I would see every week pulled up to the window, leaned out of her car and smacked the glass in front of my face.
“Hope this is bulletproof,” she yelled.
There had just been a robbery at another bank nearby, so I was touched by her concern. “It is,” I yelled back.
“Good,” she continued, “because someone is going to shoot you if you don’t get that speaker fixed.”
````
Good morning everyboomie.
We're half way to the weekend. Woo Hoo!
Today we got up to 87 degrees. Tomorrow is about the same.
I can't wait till Friday when we are back in the mid 60s.
I went to Walmart, took Missy Walking, and did some painting today.
No plans for Wednesday.
I hope your day is super whatever it brings.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
~B. J. Novak~
````````````````````
I was in line at a restaurant. In front of me was a mother with her college-age son and his girlfriend. It was the middle of the dinner rush, and many customers were restless at the long wait, but the young couple, holding hands and kissing, were oblivious to everything around them. Although clearly not approving, the mother was silent, until one prolonged kiss when the young man had his face and hands buried in his girlfriend’s long, curly locks.
“Do you have to do that here?” the embarrassed mother asked.
“I’m not doing anything, Mom,” came her son’s muffled voice. “My earring’s caught in her hair.”
````
When I walked up to the ATM at my bank, I noticed someone had left his card in the slot. Since it was a Friday evening, I thought the Good Samaritan thing to do was try to find the card’s owner so he wouldn’t go the weekend without it. I looked up the person’s name in the phone book and gave him a call.
“I found your ATM card,” I told the man who answered.
He then asked hopefully, “You didn’t happen to find my sunglasses too?”
````
While away on business, a colleague and I decided to catch a movie. As we approached the theater, we read the marquee. It bore the name of the feature film followed by the numbers ‘7,’ ‘5,’ and ‘9.’ Assuming these were the show times, we were somewhat perplexed by their order.
I went inside to ask about it. “Our next show is at eight o’clock,” the woman in the box office announced.
“Eight o’clock?” I said, surprised. “But the marquee says seven, five and nine.”
“Right,” she agreed. “That’s 7:59. We lost our number eight.”
````
When my friend got a job, her husband agreed to share the housework. He was stunned by the amount of effort involved in keeping a house clean with small boys to pick up after, and insisted that he and his wife shop for a new vacuum cleaner.
The salesman gave them a demonstration of the latest model. “It comes equipped with all the newest features,” he assured them.
The husband was not convinced. “Don’t you have a riding one?” he asked
````
My husband, who is an auto mechanic, received a repair order that read: “Check for clunking noise when going around corners.” Taking the car out for a test drive, he made a right turn, and a moment later heard a clunk. He then made a left turn and again heard a clunk. Back at the shop, he opened the trunk and soon discovered the problem.
Promptly he returned the repair order to the service manager with this notation: “Remove bowling ball from trunk.”
````
A couple of hours into a visit with my mother she noticed I hadn’t lit up a cigarette once. “Are you trying to kick the habit?”
“No,” I replied, “I’ve got a cold and I don’t smoke when I’m not feeling well.”
“You know,” she observed, “you’d probably live longer if you were sick more often.”
````
When the skipper of an Icelandic trawler accidentally rammed Englishman Jim Hughes’s yacht, he caused $30,000 worth of damage. Exactly a year and a day before, reported the London Times, the skipper, Eriker Olafsson, had hit the same boat, causing $40,000 in damage.
What are the odds of this happening twice? Pretty good, since Olafsson purposely steered toward Hughes to apologize for the previous year’s collision.
````
Which windshield wiper blade always quits first? That’s right—the driver’s side. This happened to me one day while driving home in the middle of a blinding storm.
Unable to see, I pulled over and tried to figure out a quick fix. I found it in a yellow cotton work glove that was lying on the floor. I wedged the cloth hand under the wiper arm.
It did a great job keeping my windshield clear. Not only that— you’d be surprised at how many people waved back.
````
We purchased an old home in northern New York State from two elderly sisters. Winter was fast approaching, and I was concerned about the house’s lack of insulation. “If they could live here all those years, so can we!” my husband confidently declared.
One November night the temperature plunged to below zero, and we woke up to find interior walls covered with frost. My husband called the sisters to ask how they had kept the house warm. After a brief conversation, he hung up. “For the past 30 years,” he muttered, “they’ve gone to Florida for the winter.”
````
Bad weather meant I was stuck overnight at O’Hare airport in Chicago. Along with hotel accommodations, the airline issued each passenger a $10 meal ticket, or “chit.” That evening after dinner I presented my meal ticket to the cashier.
“Is this chit worth $10?” I asked.
Looking up nervously, the cashier responded, “I’m sorry, sir. Was the meal that bad?”
````
My wife and I run a small restaurant where we often name our specials after our employees—dishes like “Chicken Mickey,” after our dishwasher who gave us the recipe, and “Rod’s Ribs,” after a waiter who had his personal style of barbecue. One evening after rereading the menu, I broke with this tradition and changed the description of the special we had named after our chef.
Despite her skills and excellent reputation, somehow I didn’t think an entrée named “Salmon Ella” would go over big with our customers.
````
The customer ordering a floral arrangement from my shop was giving me very specific guidelines. “Nothing fragrant,” she instructed. “Nothing too tall or too wild. And no bright colors, please. My house is decorated in beige and cream. Here is a wallpaper sample.” She handed me a plain square of tan-colored paper.
“Your name?” I asked.
“Mrs. Bland,” the woman replied.
````
When a fellow piano tuner was ill, I took over his assignment of tuning a piano in a girls’ boardinghouse. While I was at work, several of the girls strolled casually through the room in various states of undress. The climax came when a young lady in startling deshabille appeared to pay the bill.
As I was writing the receipt, she suddenly gave me a bewildered look, then fled, screaming, “That’s not our regular man!”
Their regular man is blind.
````
My nephew, a flight attendant, split the back of his pants one day during a flight. To save embarrassment, he decided to work in front of the beverage cart, facing forward.
The arrangement worked perfectly until he got to the last row and a passenger leaned over to him and said in a low voice, “Your fly is open.”
````
During the mortgage closing on our summer house, my wife and I were asked to sign documents containing small print. When I asked if I should read it, my attorney replied, “Legally, you should. But here’s the bottom line: If you pay your installments on time, there is nothing in there that could harm you. Should you stop paying, however, there is definitely nothing in the small print that can save you.”
````
The speaker at my bank’s drive-through window had been broken for weeks, and we tellers had to resort to miming or writing notes to communicate with our frustrated customers. One day a sweet elderly lady whom I would see every week pulled up to the window, leaned out of her car and smacked the glass in front of my face.
“Hope this is bulletproof,” she yelled.
There had just been a robbery at another bank nearby, so I was touched by her concern. “It is,” I yelled back.
“Good,” she continued, “because someone is going to shoot you if you don’t get that speaker fixed.”
````
Good morning everyboomie.
We're half way to the weekend. Woo Hoo!
Today we got up to 87 degrees. Tomorrow is about the same.
I can't wait till Friday when we are back in the mid 60s.
I went to Walmart, took Missy Walking, and did some painting today.
No plans for Wednesday.
I hope your day is super whatever it brings.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
I'll have to get them out earlier for the next several months. 
) SpaceQuestFan and the rest of you peekin in the window 
