Posted By: gymcandy1
Tuesday Moaning - 08/12/19 11:38 PM
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
~W. C. Fields~
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why is it that if you give a child an encyclopedia, lawyer is always the third thing they look up?
Because the first thing a child looks up is dog. The second is snake. And under snake, the encyclopedia says See Lawyer.
~~~~
"You seem to be in some distress," said the kindly judge to the witness. "Is anything the matter?"
"Well, your Honor," said the witness, "I swore to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, but every time I try, that lawyer objects."
~~~~
A physician, an engineer, and an attorney were discussing who among them belonged to the oldest of the three professions represented.
The physician said, "Remember, on the sixth day God took a rib from Adam and fashioned Eve, making him the first surgeon. Therefore, medicine is the oldest profession."
The engineer replied, "But, before that, God created the heavens and earth from chaos and confusion, and thus he was the first engineer. Therefore, engineering is an older profession than medicine."
Then, the lawyer spoke up. "Yes," he said, "But who do you think created all of the chaos and confusion?"
~~~~
What do you have when you bury six lawyers up to their necks in sand?
Not enough sand.
~~~~
A Lawyer and the Pope died at the same time, both went to heaven. They were met at the Pearly Gate by St. Peter who conducted them to their rooms. The Pope's room was spartan with bare floor, army cot for a bed, and a single bulb for light. They came to the Lawyer's room. It was huge with wall to wall carpeting, king sized water bed, indirect lighting, color TV, stereo, Jacuzzi and fully stocked bar. The Lawyer said, "There must be a mistake. This must be the Pope's room!" St Peter said, "There's no mistake. This is your room. We have lots of Pope's, but you're our very first Lawyer!"
~~~~
What is the ideal weight of a lawyer?
About three pounds, including the urn.
~~~~
Cindy asked an old friend to go out for a drink with her after work. I don't understand, Cindy complained. When people find out I'm a lawyer, they take an instant dislike to me. Why would they do that? Her friend appeared to think for a moment and then suggested, Maybe it just saves time.
~~~~
Q:What's the difference between a Lawyer and a mosquito?
A:The Lawyer has a briefcase!
~~~~
What do you get when you cross a lawyer and a criminal?
Another criminal.
~~~~
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, "I've lost my electron".
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive...
~~~~
An astronomer, a physicist and a mathematician are on a train in Scotland. The astronomer looks out of the window, sees a black sheep standing in a field, and remarks, "How odd. Scottish sheep are black."
"No, no, no!" says the physicist. "Only some Scottish sheep are black."
The mathematician rolls his eyes at his companions' muddled thinking and says, "In Scotland, there is at least one field, containing at least one sheep, at least one side of which appears black from here."
~~~~
What did one math book say to the other math book?
"I don't know about you man, but I got a lot of problems!"
~~~~
An engineer and a physicist are in a hot-air balloon. After a few hours they lose track of where they are and descend to get directions. They yell to a jogger, "Hey, can you tell us where we're at?"
After a few moments the jogger responds, "You're in a hot-air balloon." The engineer says, "You must be a mathematician." The jogger, shocked, responds, "yeah, how did you know I was a mathematician?"
"Because, it took you far too long to come up with your answer, it was 100% correct, and it was completely useless."
~~~~
A mathematician and his best friend, an engineer, attend a public lecture on geometry in thirteen-dimensional space. "How did you like it?" the mathematician wants to know after the talk.
"My head's spinning," the engineer confesses. "How can you develop any intuition for thirteen-dimensional space?"
"Well, it's not even difficult.
All I do is visualize the situation in n-dimensional space and then set n = 13."
~~~~
Good morning everyboomie.
Another day, another 420,000 miles.
That's how far Voyager 1 travels in one day.
I was reading a story about Voyager 1 & 2, They have been traveling 420,000 miles a day for over 40 years, and still have to travel for another 18,000 years just to travel one light year.
They have been traveling away from our sun for over 40 years (almost 22 billion kilometers) , and the sun's light takes only 17 hours to reach them.
So, the light travels that far in 1 year. That's why those frying heat rays from the sun reach us in 8 minutes, and buddy there were a lot of those around here today. 102 degrees at 6:00.
Fortunately the cool rays from my air conditioner reach me in about 8 seconds.
Have a cool day everyone.
joe
~W. C. Fields~
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why is it that if you give a child an encyclopedia, lawyer is always the third thing they look up?
Because the first thing a child looks up is dog. The second is snake. And under snake, the encyclopedia says See Lawyer.
~~~~
"You seem to be in some distress," said the kindly judge to the witness. "Is anything the matter?"
"Well, your Honor," said the witness, "I swore to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, but every time I try, that lawyer objects."
~~~~
A physician, an engineer, and an attorney were discussing who among them belonged to the oldest of the three professions represented.
The physician said, "Remember, on the sixth day God took a rib from Adam and fashioned Eve, making him the first surgeon. Therefore, medicine is the oldest profession."
The engineer replied, "But, before that, God created the heavens and earth from chaos and confusion, and thus he was the first engineer. Therefore, engineering is an older profession than medicine."
Then, the lawyer spoke up. "Yes," he said, "But who do you think created all of the chaos and confusion?"
~~~~
What do you have when you bury six lawyers up to their necks in sand?
Not enough sand.
~~~~
A Lawyer and the Pope died at the same time, both went to heaven. They were met at the Pearly Gate by St. Peter who conducted them to their rooms. The Pope's room was spartan with bare floor, army cot for a bed, and a single bulb for light. They came to the Lawyer's room. It was huge with wall to wall carpeting, king sized water bed, indirect lighting, color TV, stereo, Jacuzzi and fully stocked bar. The Lawyer said, "There must be a mistake. This must be the Pope's room!" St Peter said, "There's no mistake. This is your room. We have lots of Pope's, but you're our very first Lawyer!"
~~~~
What is the ideal weight of a lawyer?
About three pounds, including the urn.
~~~~
Cindy asked an old friend to go out for a drink with her after work. I don't understand, Cindy complained. When people find out I'm a lawyer, they take an instant dislike to me. Why would they do that? Her friend appeared to think for a moment and then suggested, Maybe it just saves time.
~~~~
Q:What's the difference between a Lawyer and a mosquito?
A:The Lawyer has a briefcase!
~~~~
What do you get when you cross a lawyer and a criminal?
Another criminal.
~~~~
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, "I've lost my electron".
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive...
~~~~
An astronomer, a physicist and a mathematician are on a train in Scotland. The astronomer looks out of the window, sees a black sheep standing in a field, and remarks, "How odd. Scottish sheep are black."
"No, no, no!" says the physicist. "Only some Scottish sheep are black."
The mathematician rolls his eyes at his companions' muddled thinking and says, "In Scotland, there is at least one field, containing at least one sheep, at least one side of which appears black from here."
~~~~
What did one math book say to the other math book?
"I don't know about you man, but I got a lot of problems!"
~~~~
An engineer and a physicist are in a hot-air balloon. After a few hours they lose track of where they are and descend to get directions. They yell to a jogger, "Hey, can you tell us where we're at?"
After a few moments the jogger responds, "You're in a hot-air balloon." The engineer says, "You must be a mathematician." The jogger, shocked, responds, "yeah, how did you know I was a mathematician?"
"Because, it took you far too long to come up with your answer, it was 100% correct, and it was completely useless."
~~~~
A mathematician and his best friend, an engineer, attend a public lecture on geometry in thirteen-dimensional space. "How did you like it?" the mathematician wants to know after the talk.
"My head's spinning," the engineer confesses. "How can you develop any intuition for thirteen-dimensional space?"
"Well, it's not even difficult.
All I do is visualize the situation in n-dimensional space and then set n = 13."
~~~~
Good morning everyboomie.
Another day, another 420,000 miles.
That's how far Voyager 1 travels in one day.
I was reading a story about Voyager 1 & 2, They have been traveling 420,000 miles a day for over 40 years, and still have to travel for another 18,000 years just to travel one light year.
They have been traveling away from our sun for over 40 years (almost 22 billion kilometers) , and the sun's light takes only 17 hours to reach them.
So, the light travels that far in 1 year. That's why those frying heat rays from the sun reach us in 8 minutes, and buddy there were a lot of those around here today. 102 degrees at 6:00.
Fortunately the cool rays from my air conditioner reach me in about 8 seconds.
Have a cool day everyone.
joe
