Posted By: gymcandy1
Joe's Diner Jan. 19th - 01/19/20 12:50 AM
A good friend will help you move, but a true friend will help you move a body.
~ Steven J. Daniels
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Here's few jokes for you
Three old ladies are sitting around a table playing bridge and bragging about their sons. “My Freddie,” said Margaret, “Everyone should be so lucky to have a son like my Freddie. Once a week he brings me a huge bouquet of flowers, he’s constantly bringing me out to restaurants to eat, if I so much as hint that I want something the next morning it’s on my doorstep.”
“That’s very nice about your Freddie”, says Gertrude. “But with all due respect, when I think about the way my Sammy takes care of me, it just can’t compare. Every morning as soon as I wake up he greets me with bacon and freshly brewed coffee. Every lunch he comes over and cooks me a gourmet lunch, and every supper he brings me to his house for supper, he truly treats me like a queen.”
“WELL!” Says Barbara “I don’t want to make any of you feel bad or anything, but wait until you hear about my Harry, twice a week he pays someone $200 an hour just so he can lie on their couch and talk to them, and who do you think he speaks about at those prices? Asks Barbara with a big excited double chin smile, “I’ll tell you who he speaks about! ALL HE SPEAKS ABOUT IS ME!”
~~~
“Sugar why don’t you sit down by the table and we’ll start supper.” Said Dorothy to her Husband of 50 years. “Sure thing,” said her husband settling himself down.
“Now darling, would you like the soup first or the salad?” Questioned Dorothy. “Umm I guess I’ll take the soup.” He responded. After a whole meal of one endearing term after another, their guest Bob couldn’t contain his curiosity any longer. Bob snuck into the kitchen and asked,
“Dorothy do you always talk to your husband like that?” “Bob, I’ll be honest with you,” Dorothy replied. “It’s been five years now, I just can’t remember his name, and I am just too embarrassed to ask him."
~~~~
“C’mon Ma you have got to try it” I pleaded to my elderly Mother. I don’t know how my Mother lasted this long without ever using the internet, but enough was enough! I thought.
“Ok” she said reluctantly settling down by the computer and slowly putting on her reading glasses “what do I do now?” “Now I’m going to open the home page of google”, I explained. “OK here it is!
Now type in ANY question you want into the bar over here and you will find an answer to your question.” I confidently assured her. My Mother looked at me warily, thought for a second, and slowly began to type,
How is Gertrude doing this morning?
~~~~
“Hi! My name is Gertrude,” said the lady next to him on the plane. “It’s so nice to meet you! I’m flying to New York for my grandson’s third birthday. I’m so excited! I remember when he was just a little thumbkin and now he’s already three!
It’s really hard to believe. He’s the most adorable thing you’ve ever seen! You know what? Hold on, I think I might have a picture on me. Let me take a look in my purse, yes, here it is, just look at him, isn’t he adorable. Do you see his dimple on his left cheek? Simply adorable! I could stare at his picture all day.
Oh my, and you should hear him on the phone! He is just the cutest, he says to me in the cutest voice “Hi Grandma!” It just gets me all teary eyed.” After what seemed like two hours for the poor man sitting next to her, Gertrude seemed to realize that perhaps she was talking a bit too much.
“You know, I feel terrible! Here I am just going on and on about my grandson, and not giving you a chance to say a thing! Tell me..what do you think about my Grandson?”
~~~~
One day, while strolling down the boardwalk, John bumped into an old friend of his, Rob, from high school. “You look great John, how do you stay looking so young? Why you must be 60 already but you don’t look a day over 40!” Rob exclaimed.
“I feel like I’m 40 too!” replied John.
“That’s incredible” exclaimed Rob, “Does it run in the family? How old was your dad when he passed?”
“Did I say he was dead?” asked John. “He’s 81 and is more active then ever. He just joined the neighborhood basketball team!” responded John.
“Whoa! Well how old was your Grandfather when he died?”
“Did I say he died” asked John. Rob was amazed. “He just had his 105th birthday and plays golf and goes swimming each day! He’s actually getting married this week!”
“Getting married?!” Rob asked. If he’s 105, why on earth does he want to get married?!
John looked at Rob and replied, “Did I say he wanted to?”
~~~~
After much nagging from his wife, Sam was visiting the audiologist. Yes, he would need hearing aids and they ranged in price from $10.00 to $2,000, was what he was told.
“I’ll try the $10.00 pair” Sam said. The nurse placed the hearing aids into his ears and hung a wire around his neck.
“Does the wire really have to be around my neck?” asked Sam.
“Why of course!” replied the nurse. “You think these things in your ears do anything?! It’s the wire around your neck – it makes people talk louder!”
~~~~
The neighbors thought it was odd, but 93 year old Morton was dating again. One Monday morning Morton woke up with a funny feeling that something important happened last night. It was during breakfast, that Morton finally remembered what it was. He had proposed to his date Greta. But what she answered he just couldn’t seem to remember.
Morton picked up the phone and dialed. “Hi Greta”, said Morton, “I have a funny question for you, do you remember last night when I proposed?”
“Oh my gosh” gushed Greta, “I’m so glad you called, I knew I said yes to somebody but I just couldn’t recall who it was!”
~~~~
At the urging of Harry’s wife and doctor, 50 year old Harry finally made it to the gym. After consulting with one of the trainers, Harry decided to try out a steep treadmill. “Ok”, said the trainer “I’m going to set it for ten minutes, if you want to go longer just press start again.” At first Harry was doing fine but after 5 seconds he started getting tired, and after a minute he jumped off gasping for breath. Walking to the side to sit down, he passed by a friend of his. “Man”, said Harry. “I could barely last a full minute on that treadmill.” “Alright alright”, said his buddy, “you don't have to brag about it!”
~~~~
While working the lunch shift at a local restaurant, I watched as an elderly couple ate. It seemed as if the man was the only one eating. First his appetizer, then his main, and then finally his dessert. All the while with his wife just looking on, not even touching her food. Confused, I approached the woman and asked if there was anything I could get for her. “No thank you,” came her answer, “it’s his turn for the teeth.
~~~~
Barry and Hannah, an old married couple, are sitting on the couch watching TV. On the show they were speaking about how to prepare in case of death etc. “Honey,” says Barry, turning to his wife with a serious expression, “I want you to promise me, that if there ever comes a time that I am dependent on just machines and bottled fluid, that you will make sure to put an end to it.” “No problem hun,” said Hannah, and she promptly got up, turned off the TV, and poured his beer down the drain.
~~~~
Good morning everyboomie.
Looks like we're on the back side of January. The back side don't look a whole lot better than the front side.
Must be the wrong time of the month.
I'm just saying, the beginning of the new year always holds more promise.
I'd better leave while I can still walk.
Have a happy week everyone. Exit stage right.....![[Linked Image]](https://www.cheesebuerger.de/images/smilie/frech/p036.gif)
joe
~ Steven J. Daniels
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Here's few jokes for you
Three old ladies are sitting around a table playing bridge and bragging about their sons. “My Freddie,” said Margaret, “Everyone should be so lucky to have a son like my Freddie. Once a week he brings me a huge bouquet of flowers, he’s constantly bringing me out to restaurants to eat, if I so much as hint that I want something the next morning it’s on my doorstep.”
“That’s very nice about your Freddie”, says Gertrude. “But with all due respect, when I think about the way my Sammy takes care of me, it just can’t compare. Every morning as soon as I wake up he greets me with bacon and freshly brewed coffee. Every lunch he comes over and cooks me a gourmet lunch, and every supper he brings me to his house for supper, he truly treats me like a queen.”
“WELL!” Says Barbara “I don’t want to make any of you feel bad or anything, but wait until you hear about my Harry, twice a week he pays someone $200 an hour just so he can lie on their couch and talk to them, and who do you think he speaks about at those prices? Asks Barbara with a big excited double chin smile, “I’ll tell you who he speaks about! ALL HE SPEAKS ABOUT IS ME!”
~~~
“Sugar why don’t you sit down by the table and we’ll start supper.” Said Dorothy to her Husband of 50 years. “Sure thing,” said her husband settling himself down.
“Now darling, would you like the soup first or the salad?” Questioned Dorothy. “Umm I guess I’ll take the soup.” He responded. After a whole meal of one endearing term after another, their guest Bob couldn’t contain his curiosity any longer. Bob snuck into the kitchen and asked,
“Dorothy do you always talk to your husband like that?” “Bob, I’ll be honest with you,” Dorothy replied. “It’s been five years now, I just can’t remember his name, and I am just too embarrassed to ask him."
~~~~
“C’mon Ma you have got to try it” I pleaded to my elderly Mother. I don’t know how my Mother lasted this long without ever using the internet, but enough was enough! I thought.
“Ok” she said reluctantly settling down by the computer and slowly putting on her reading glasses “what do I do now?” “Now I’m going to open the home page of google”, I explained. “OK here it is!
Now type in ANY question you want into the bar over here and you will find an answer to your question.” I confidently assured her. My Mother looked at me warily, thought for a second, and slowly began to type,
How is Gertrude doing this morning?
~~~~
“Hi! My name is Gertrude,” said the lady next to him on the plane. “It’s so nice to meet you! I’m flying to New York for my grandson’s third birthday. I’m so excited! I remember when he was just a little thumbkin and now he’s already three!
It’s really hard to believe. He’s the most adorable thing you’ve ever seen! You know what? Hold on, I think I might have a picture on me. Let me take a look in my purse, yes, here it is, just look at him, isn’t he adorable. Do you see his dimple on his left cheek? Simply adorable! I could stare at his picture all day.
Oh my, and you should hear him on the phone! He is just the cutest, he says to me in the cutest voice “Hi Grandma!” It just gets me all teary eyed.” After what seemed like two hours for the poor man sitting next to her, Gertrude seemed to realize that perhaps she was talking a bit too much.
“You know, I feel terrible! Here I am just going on and on about my grandson, and not giving you a chance to say a thing! Tell me..what do you think about my Grandson?”
~~~~
One day, while strolling down the boardwalk, John bumped into an old friend of his, Rob, from high school. “You look great John, how do you stay looking so young? Why you must be 60 already but you don’t look a day over 40!” Rob exclaimed.
“I feel like I’m 40 too!” replied John.
“That’s incredible” exclaimed Rob, “Does it run in the family? How old was your dad when he passed?”
“Did I say he was dead?” asked John. “He’s 81 and is more active then ever. He just joined the neighborhood basketball team!” responded John.
“Whoa! Well how old was your Grandfather when he died?”
“Did I say he died” asked John. Rob was amazed. “He just had his 105th birthday and plays golf and goes swimming each day! He’s actually getting married this week!”
“Getting married?!” Rob asked. If he’s 105, why on earth does he want to get married?!
John looked at Rob and replied, “Did I say he wanted to?”
~~~~
After much nagging from his wife, Sam was visiting the audiologist. Yes, he would need hearing aids and they ranged in price from $10.00 to $2,000, was what he was told.
“I’ll try the $10.00 pair” Sam said. The nurse placed the hearing aids into his ears and hung a wire around his neck.
“Does the wire really have to be around my neck?” asked Sam.
“Why of course!” replied the nurse. “You think these things in your ears do anything?! It’s the wire around your neck – it makes people talk louder!”
~~~~
The neighbors thought it was odd, but 93 year old Morton was dating again. One Monday morning Morton woke up with a funny feeling that something important happened last night. It was during breakfast, that Morton finally remembered what it was. He had proposed to his date Greta. But what she answered he just couldn’t seem to remember.
Morton picked up the phone and dialed. “Hi Greta”, said Morton, “I have a funny question for you, do you remember last night when I proposed?”
“Oh my gosh” gushed Greta, “I’m so glad you called, I knew I said yes to somebody but I just couldn’t recall who it was!”
~~~~
At the urging of Harry’s wife and doctor, 50 year old Harry finally made it to the gym. After consulting with one of the trainers, Harry decided to try out a steep treadmill. “Ok”, said the trainer “I’m going to set it for ten minutes, if you want to go longer just press start again.” At first Harry was doing fine but after 5 seconds he started getting tired, and after a minute he jumped off gasping for breath. Walking to the side to sit down, he passed by a friend of his. “Man”, said Harry. “I could barely last a full minute on that treadmill.” “Alright alright”, said his buddy, “you don't have to brag about it!”
~~~~
While working the lunch shift at a local restaurant, I watched as an elderly couple ate. It seemed as if the man was the only one eating. First his appetizer, then his main, and then finally his dessert. All the while with his wife just looking on, not even touching her food. Confused, I approached the woman and asked if there was anything I could get for her. “No thank you,” came her answer, “it’s his turn for the teeth.
~~~~
Barry and Hannah, an old married couple, are sitting on the couch watching TV. On the show they were speaking about how to prepare in case of death etc. “Honey,” says Barry, turning to his wife with a serious expression, “I want you to promise me, that if there ever comes a time that I am dependent on just machines and bottled fluid, that you will make sure to put an end to it.” “No problem hun,” said Hannah, and she promptly got up, turned off the TV, and poured his beer down the drain.
~~~~
Good morning everyboomie.
Looks like we're on the back side of January. The back side don't look a whole lot better than the front side.
Must be the wrong time of the month.
I'm just saying, the beginning of the new year always holds more promise.
I'd better leave while I can still walk.
Have a happy week everyone. Exit stage right.....
joe
I am looking forward to summer! 
for the jokes Joe. I had missed them. 
so maybe we can get her to have 2nd or 3rd breakfast today 
at your appointment
Some days are okay but then it just hits us, especially when we return home from somewhere and there's no wee happy face to greet us. Our last couple of visits to the coast were not the same as she loved going and loved her wee jaunts to the beach. We really miss her.
