Posted By: gymcandy1
Joe's Diner March 7th - 03/07/20 11:30 PM
The difference between being in a relationship and being in prison is that in prisons they let you play softball on the weekends.
~ Bobby Kelton ~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sam goes to the doctor for his yearly checkup. “Everything is fine”, said the doctor, “You’re doing OK for your age.” “For my age?” questioned Sam, “I’m only 75, do you think I’ll make it to 80? “Well” said the doctor, “do you drink or smoke?” “No” Sam replied. “Do you eat fatty meat or sweets?” “No” said Sam “I am very careful about what I eat.” “How about your activities? Do you engage in thrilling behaviors like speeding or skiing? “No” said Sam taken aback, “I would never engage in dangerous activities.” “Well,” said the doctor, “then why in the world would you want to live that long??
~~~~
“Just relax”, the hospital staff kept telling Jim, but it was to no avail. Jim’s wife was in labor and Jim was a nervous wreck. After what seemed like a week, to both Jim and the hospital staff, a nurse came out with the happy news, “it’s a girl”, she cried. “Thank God, a girl”, said Jim, “at least she won’t have to go through what I just went through!”
~~~~
Mother – I need to speak to the doctor, it’s an emergency, my infant has a temperature of 101.
Doctor to Secretary – Find out how she’s taking the temperature.
Secretary – How are you taking it?
Mother – Oh, I’m holding up OK.
~~~~
I was very scared about going to the eye doctor to get a certain procedure done on my eyes. The doctor tried to put me at ease but to no avail. It was after he finished with my first eye that I nearly jumped out of the chair. “There there”, he said “only one eye left!”
~~~~
So this old man goes to the doctor and the doctor says, “You’re test results came back and I’m afraid I have some bad news. You have Cancer and you have Alzheimer’s”. The old man says, “That ain’t so bad, at least I don’t have Cancer!”
~~~~
An Old man went to the doctor complaining of a terrible pain in his leg.
“I am afraid it’s just old age”, replied the doctor, “there is nothing we can do about it.”
“That can’t be” fumed the old man, “you don’t know what you are doing.”
“How can you possibly know I am wrong?” countered the doctor.
“Well it’s quite obvious,” the old man replied, “my other leg is fine, and it’s the exact same age!”
~~~~
I work as a pediatric nurse, and often have the painful job of giving shots to the children.
One day upon entering the examining room to give a shot the little girl starting screaming “NO! NO! NO!”
“Jessica” her mother scolded, “that is not polite behavior!”
At that the girl continued to scream “NO THANK YOU! NO THANK YOU! NO THANK YOU!”
~~~~
A blond man entered the emergency room with his two ears burned. “What happened?” asked the doctor.
“Well”, the man explained, “my wife was ironing clothing, behind my chair while I was watching TV. She put down the iron next to the phone and when the phone rang I answered the iron.”
“Wow that is terrible” responded the doctor, and what happened to your other ear?”
“Well” the blond guy responded “Right afterwards, the phone rang again!”
~~~~
A doctor remarked on his patients, ruddy complexion.
“I know” the patient said “It’s high blood pressure, it’s from my family.
“Your mother’s side, or father’s side?” questioned the doctor.
Neither, my wife’s.
“What?” the doctor said “that can’t be, how can you get it from your wife’s family?”
“Oh yeah?” the patient responded, “Well you haven't met my in-laws!”
~~~~
Good evening everyboomie.
Time Marches on.
Is everyone ready to Spring Forward? Or maybe this year we're supposed to Leap Forward.
Personally I am so ready to maybe keep it dark a little longer in the mornings so I can sleep that extra hour peacefully.
Pepper gets a bit noisy when the sun comes up.
Actually I'll be Falling Back an hour. I set my clocks ahead 2 hours a couple of months ago just for that reason.
Maybe now I'll be on time for my appointments.
Have a great week everyone.
joe
~ Bobby Kelton ~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sam goes to the doctor for his yearly checkup. “Everything is fine”, said the doctor, “You’re doing OK for your age.” “For my age?” questioned Sam, “I’m only 75, do you think I’ll make it to 80? “Well” said the doctor, “do you drink or smoke?” “No” Sam replied. “Do you eat fatty meat or sweets?” “No” said Sam “I am very careful about what I eat.” “How about your activities? Do you engage in thrilling behaviors like speeding or skiing? “No” said Sam taken aback, “I would never engage in dangerous activities.” “Well,” said the doctor, “then why in the world would you want to live that long??
~~~~
“Just relax”, the hospital staff kept telling Jim, but it was to no avail. Jim’s wife was in labor and Jim was a nervous wreck. After what seemed like a week, to both Jim and the hospital staff, a nurse came out with the happy news, “it’s a girl”, she cried. “Thank God, a girl”, said Jim, “at least she won’t have to go through what I just went through!”
~~~~
Mother – I need to speak to the doctor, it’s an emergency, my infant has a temperature of 101.
Doctor to Secretary – Find out how she’s taking the temperature.
Secretary – How are you taking it?
Mother – Oh, I’m holding up OK.
~~~~
I was very scared about going to the eye doctor to get a certain procedure done on my eyes. The doctor tried to put me at ease but to no avail. It was after he finished with my first eye that I nearly jumped out of the chair. “There there”, he said “only one eye left!”
~~~~
So this old man goes to the doctor and the doctor says, “You’re test results came back and I’m afraid I have some bad news. You have Cancer and you have Alzheimer’s”. The old man says, “That ain’t so bad, at least I don’t have Cancer!”
~~~~
An Old man went to the doctor complaining of a terrible pain in his leg.
“I am afraid it’s just old age”, replied the doctor, “there is nothing we can do about it.”
“That can’t be” fumed the old man, “you don’t know what you are doing.”
“How can you possibly know I am wrong?” countered the doctor.
“Well it’s quite obvious,” the old man replied, “my other leg is fine, and it’s the exact same age!”
~~~~
I work as a pediatric nurse, and often have the painful job of giving shots to the children.
One day upon entering the examining room to give a shot the little girl starting screaming “NO! NO! NO!”
“Jessica” her mother scolded, “that is not polite behavior!”
At that the girl continued to scream “NO THANK YOU! NO THANK YOU! NO THANK YOU!”
~~~~
A blond man entered the emergency room with his two ears burned. “What happened?” asked the doctor.
“Well”, the man explained, “my wife was ironing clothing, behind my chair while I was watching TV. She put down the iron next to the phone and when the phone rang I answered the iron.”
“Wow that is terrible” responded the doctor, and what happened to your other ear?”
“Well” the blond guy responded “Right afterwards, the phone rang again!”
~~~~
A doctor remarked on his patients, ruddy complexion.
“I know” the patient said “It’s high blood pressure, it’s from my family.
“Your mother’s side, or father’s side?” questioned the doctor.
Neither, my wife’s.
“What?” the doctor said “that can’t be, how can you get it from your wife’s family?”
“Oh yeah?” the patient responded, “Well you haven't met my in-laws!”
~~~~
Good evening everyboomie.
Time Marches on.
Is everyone ready to Spring Forward? Or maybe this year we're supposed to Leap Forward.
Personally I am so ready to maybe keep it dark a little longer in the mornings so I can sleep that extra hour peacefully.
Pepper gets a bit noisy when the sun comes up.
Actually I'll be Falling Back an hour. I set my clocks ahead 2 hours a couple of months ago just for that reason.
Maybe now I'll be on time for my appointments.
Have a great week everyone.
joe
(perhaps) 
No, wasn't on any sports program down here manXman ... the only exception would be during the Winter Olympics 
