Posted By: gymcandy1
Joe's Diner May 2nd - 05/03/20 12:23 AM
I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect.
Some very wise person........somewhere
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Hi! My name is Gertrude,” said the lady next to him on the plane. “It’s so nice to meet you! I’m flying to New York for my grandson’s third birthday. I’m so excited! I remember when he was just a little thumbkin and now he’s already three! It’s really hard to believe. He’s the most adorable thing you’ve ever seen! You know what? Hold on, I think I might have a picture on me. Let me take a look in my purse, yes, here it is, just look at him, isn’t he adorable. Do you see his dimple on his left cheek? Simply adorable! I could stare at his picture all day.
Oh my, and you should hear him on the phone! He is just the cutest, he says to me in the cutest voice “Hi Grandma!” It just gets me all teary eyed.”
After what seemed like two hours for the poor man sitting next to her, Gertrude seemed to realize that perhaps she was talking a bit too much. “You know, I feel terrible! Here I am just talking and talking without letting you get in a word edgewise!
Tell me..what do you think about my Grandson!”
~~
Joe was a steward for Fly High airlines. He watched as an older lady boarded the plane holding a dog in a cage. “Excuse me,” said Joe “dogs are not allowed on board, you have to check it in with the baggage.” The lady wasn’t happy, but Joe was an experienced steward and succeeded in convincing the lady without much of a scene.
Upon arrival, Joe took a peek in the cage, and to his great surprise, saw that the dog was dead! Frantic that they may get sued, Joe quickly sent one of his underlings out to town to buy a dog that looked exactly the same.
Just in the nick of time the underling arrived with the dog They quickly switched dogs and breathed a sigh of relief. “This isn’t my dog!” said the lady as soon as she saw it. “I’m sure it is” insisted Joe “I was very careful about where I put it.”
“It’s not my dog” argued the lady, “I was bringing my dog to my home town to have him buried, and this dog is alive!”
Without skipping a beat, and still trying to cover himself, Joe says, "I can't believe it. You were going to bury your dog alive?!"
~~
Larry was a photographer for the N.Y. Times, and was scheduled to meet a plane on the runway to take him on a job. “Hit it,” said Larry climbing into the first plane he saw on the runway. The pilot took off, and was soon in the air. “OK,” said Larry, “fly low over the trees over there, I want to take a few pictures.” “What do you mean?” asked the pilot. Larry looked at the pilot and answered a little annoyed, “I need to take some pictures for the N.Y. Times, so please…..” There was a long pause, before the pilot asked in a shaky voice, “you mean you’re not my pilot instructor?”
~~
A Stewardess upon noticing that someone clearly has been smoking in the bathroom. “I’m sorry sir” she said “but you’re not allowed to smoke on the plane, if you want to smoke again please step out on the wing!”
~~
Bob Smith was sick of his job and was determined to find work elsewhere. But no matter how hard he tried, his reputation as someone who was not dedicated to the job, seemed to follow him around.
One day the phone rang at his office. Although Bob did not usually pick up the phone, he picked it up and said hello. “Hi” said the man on the line, “I have an unusual question to ask you, I’m looking into a fellow Bob Smith for a position in my company. Do you know this fellow?”
“Sure I know him”, responded Bob with a smile. “Tell me,” asked the man. “Is he consistent with his work? Does he always show up on time?”
“Well I’ll be honest with you” Bob truthfully replied, “I’m not so consistent myself, but whenever I’m here he’s here!”
~~
A fellow’s wife went missing and being that everyone knew that he and his wife were in a big fight he was accused of murdering her and disposing of the body. When witness after witness came to the stand testifying to all sorts of horrible threats that the accused threatened his wife and things were looking quite dim for the accused the man’s lawyer got up to the stand.
“Ladies and Gentleman of the jury I have something quite exciting to tell you, if you would all please direct your attention towards the door behind me on my left you will see the supposedly dead women walk in on her own two feet.”
There was a loud murmuring in the courtroom as all eyes turned towards the door. “Ladies and Gentleman” said the lawyer after a few seconds of anxious waiting, “To be honest with you, Nobody is going to be walking through the door, however from the fact that your eyes all turned towards the door it is quite obvious that you are not sure beyond the shadow of a doubt about my client’s guilt.”
To the lawyer’s great surprise, the jury decided that the man was guilty. “But how could you say that he is guilty? Didn’t I prove it to you?” Questioned the lawyer.
“It is true that we all turned towards the door,” one old lady explained, “but there was person who didn’t.”
“Whose that?” Questioned the indignant lawyer.
“Your client.” Came the reply.
~~
Lauren was frustrated. She had complained dozens of times to her daughter about her newest gag of kissing the bathroom mirror immediately after applying lipstick, but it was all to no avail.
Finally, one day after spending a half hour scrubbing the mirror, only to find another kiss mark an hour later, Lauren had enough. “Lizzy!” she hollered, “What?” came her daughter’s reply through her bedroom door. I can’t find the toilet brush that I’ve been using to clean the bathroom mirror. Do you have any idea where it is?”
After hearing the gagging from behind the bedroom door, Lauren knew her days of cleaning kiss marks off of mirrors were over.
~~
Two thugs walked into a Mexican bank and demanded that the teller hand over all she had. “No comprendo” (I don’t understand) was her innocent response.
Unsure of how to proceed, one of the thugs held out his gun and screamed “anyone hear speak Spanish?” Hesitantly, a young man approached. With his gun to the teller’s head, the thug had his now interpreter demand of the teller “hand over all the money you have!”
“I have none” was her nervous response. “It’s all locked up!” “Ask her where the key is!” the thug demanded the interpreter, now with his gun even closer to the teller’s head.
“It’s in the bottom right drawer!” responded the teller immediately.
“She said she will not tell you where the key is, and you can even pull the trigger on her!” Responded the greedy interpreter.
~~
Ten Things I know about you
1) You are reading this.
2) You are human.
3) You can’t say the letter ”P” without separating your lips.
4) You just attempted to do it.
6) You are laughing at yourself.
7) You have a smile on your face and you skipped No. 5.
8) You just checked to see if there is a No. 5.
9) You laugh at this because you are a fun loving person & everyone does it too.
10) You are probably going to send this to see who else falls for it.
~~
The leader of the vegetarian society just couldn’t control himself anymore. He just needed to try some pork, just to see what it tasted like.
So one summer day he told his members he was going on a vacation. He traveled out of town, and headed to the nearest restaurant.
After sitting down, he ordered a roasted pig, and impatiently waited for his delicacy. After just a few minutes, he heard someone call his name, and to his great chagrin he saw one of his fellow members walking towards him.
Just at that same moment, the waiter walked over, with a huge platter, holding a full roasted pig with an apple in its mouth.
“Isn’t that something,” says the leader after only a moments pause, “all I do is order an apple, and look what it comes with!”
~~
Howdy everybody.
Did you hear about the mathematician with constipation?
Ok we won't go there. This is a diner after all.
We had a terrific day here. It was real nice and not too hot until late afternoon, but we still didn't do much.
I tinkered around in the shop a little, and that's about it other than walking Missy.....or Missy walking me.
I expect Sunday to be pretty much a carbon copy of today.
I hope your week is full of sunshine and happiness.
joe
Some very wise person........somewhere
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Hi! My name is Gertrude,” said the lady next to him on the plane. “It’s so nice to meet you! I’m flying to New York for my grandson’s third birthday. I’m so excited! I remember when he was just a little thumbkin and now he’s already three! It’s really hard to believe. He’s the most adorable thing you’ve ever seen! You know what? Hold on, I think I might have a picture on me. Let me take a look in my purse, yes, here it is, just look at him, isn’t he adorable. Do you see his dimple on his left cheek? Simply adorable! I could stare at his picture all day.
Oh my, and you should hear him on the phone! He is just the cutest, he says to me in the cutest voice “Hi Grandma!” It just gets me all teary eyed.”
After what seemed like two hours for the poor man sitting next to her, Gertrude seemed to realize that perhaps she was talking a bit too much. “You know, I feel terrible! Here I am just talking and talking without letting you get in a word edgewise!
Tell me..what do you think about my Grandson!”
~~
Joe was a steward for Fly High airlines. He watched as an older lady boarded the plane holding a dog in a cage. “Excuse me,” said Joe “dogs are not allowed on board, you have to check it in with the baggage.” The lady wasn’t happy, but Joe was an experienced steward and succeeded in convincing the lady without much of a scene.
Upon arrival, Joe took a peek in the cage, and to his great surprise, saw that the dog was dead! Frantic that they may get sued, Joe quickly sent one of his underlings out to town to buy a dog that looked exactly the same.
Just in the nick of time the underling arrived with the dog They quickly switched dogs and breathed a sigh of relief. “This isn’t my dog!” said the lady as soon as she saw it. “I’m sure it is” insisted Joe “I was very careful about where I put it.”
“It’s not my dog” argued the lady, “I was bringing my dog to my home town to have him buried, and this dog is alive!”
Without skipping a beat, and still trying to cover himself, Joe says, "I can't believe it. You were going to bury your dog alive?!"
~~
Larry was a photographer for the N.Y. Times, and was scheduled to meet a plane on the runway to take him on a job. “Hit it,” said Larry climbing into the first plane he saw on the runway. The pilot took off, and was soon in the air. “OK,” said Larry, “fly low over the trees over there, I want to take a few pictures.” “What do you mean?” asked the pilot. Larry looked at the pilot and answered a little annoyed, “I need to take some pictures for the N.Y. Times, so please…..” There was a long pause, before the pilot asked in a shaky voice, “you mean you’re not my pilot instructor?”
~~
A Stewardess upon noticing that someone clearly has been smoking in the bathroom. “I’m sorry sir” she said “but you’re not allowed to smoke on the plane, if you want to smoke again please step out on the wing!”
~~
Bob Smith was sick of his job and was determined to find work elsewhere. But no matter how hard he tried, his reputation as someone who was not dedicated to the job, seemed to follow him around.
One day the phone rang at his office. Although Bob did not usually pick up the phone, he picked it up and said hello. “Hi” said the man on the line, “I have an unusual question to ask you, I’m looking into a fellow Bob Smith for a position in my company. Do you know this fellow?”
“Sure I know him”, responded Bob with a smile. “Tell me,” asked the man. “Is he consistent with his work? Does he always show up on time?”
“Well I’ll be honest with you” Bob truthfully replied, “I’m not so consistent myself, but whenever I’m here he’s here!”
~~
A fellow’s wife went missing and being that everyone knew that he and his wife were in a big fight he was accused of murdering her and disposing of the body. When witness after witness came to the stand testifying to all sorts of horrible threats that the accused threatened his wife and things were looking quite dim for the accused the man’s lawyer got up to the stand.
“Ladies and Gentleman of the jury I have something quite exciting to tell you, if you would all please direct your attention towards the door behind me on my left you will see the supposedly dead women walk in on her own two feet.”
There was a loud murmuring in the courtroom as all eyes turned towards the door. “Ladies and Gentleman” said the lawyer after a few seconds of anxious waiting, “To be honest with you, Nobody is going to be walking through the door, however from the fact that your eyes all turned towards the door it is quite obvious that you are not sure beyond the shadow of a doubt about my client’s guilt.”
To the lawyer’s great surprise, the jury decided that the man was guilty. “But how could you say that he is guilty? Didn’t I prove it to you?” Questioned the lawyer.
“It is true that we all turned towards the door,” one old lady explained, “but there was person who didn’t.”
“Whose that?” Questioned the indignant lawyer.
“Your client.” Came the reply.
~~
Lauren was frustrated. She had complained dozens of times to her daughter about her newest gag of kissing the bathroom mirror immediately after applying lipstick, but it was all to no avail.
Finally, one day after spending a half hour scrubbing the mirror, only to find another kiss mark an hour later, Lauren had enough. “Lizzy!” she hollered, “What?” came her daughter’s reply through her bedroom door. I can’t find the toilet brush that I’ve been using to clean the bathroom mirror. Do you have any idea where it is?”
After hearing the gagging from behind the bedroom door, Lauren knew her days of cleaning kiss marks off of mirrors were over.
~~
Two thugs walked into a Mexican bank and demanded that the teller hand over all she had. “No comprendo” (I don’t understand) was her innocent response.
Unsure of how to proceed, one of the thugs held out his gun and screamed “anyone hear speak Spanish?” Hesitantly, a young man approached. With his gun to the teller’s head, the thug had his now interpreter demand of the teller “hand over all the money you have!”
“I have none” was her nervous response. “It’s all locked up!” “Ask her where the key is!” the thug demanded the interpreter, now with his gun even closer to the teller’s head.
“It’s in the bottom right drawer!” responded the teller immediately.
“She said she will not tell you where the key is, and you can even pull the trigger on her!” Responded the greedy interpreter.
~~
Ten Things I know about you
1) You are reading this.
2) You are human.
3) You can’t say the letter ”P” without separating your lips.
4) You just attempted to do it.
6) You are laughing at yourself.
7) You have a smile on your face and you skipped No. 5.
8) You just checked to see if there is a No. 5.
9) You laugh at this because you are a fun loving person & everyone does it too.
10) You are probably going to send this to see who else falls for it.
~~
The leader of the vegetarian society just couldn’t control himself anymore. He just needed to try some pork, just to see what it tasted like.
So one summer day he told his members he was going on a vacation. He traveled out of town, and headed to the nearest restaurant.
After sitting down, he ordered a roasted pig, and impatiently waited for his delicacy. After just a few minutes, he heard someone call his name, and to his great chagrin he saw one of his fellow members walking towards him.
Just at that same moment, the waiter walked over, with a huge platter, holding a full roasted pig with an apple in its mouth.
“Isn’t that something,” says the leader after only a moments pause, “all I do is order an apple, and look what it comes with!”
~~
Howdy everybody.
Did you hear about the mathematician with constipation?
Ok we won't go there. This is a diner after all.
We had a terrific day here. It was real nice and not too hot until late afternoon, but we still didn't do much.
I tinkered around in the shop a little, and that's about it other than walking Missy.....or Missy walking me.
I expect Sunday to be pretty much a carbon copy of today.
I hope your week is full of sunshine and happiness.
joe
, My favourite was the Dead dog 
in the plane 
joke which I am going to tell my Hubby 
when he wakes up from his nap 
hehehe
chores is one ugly world - but unfortunately they need to be done, I truly hope 
you get some relaxation afterwards 
, Awh bless nugget 
- she sounds like a beautiful dog 
You gotta have popcorn with that, hope you enjoy the movie. 
), and now I've gotta get up and move around. You really can't watch his performances without moving. 
