Posted By: gymcandy1
Joe's Diner July 19th - 07/19/20 04:19 PM
If minutes were kept of a family gathering, they would show that “Members not Present”and “Subjects Discussed” were one and the same.
Robert Brault
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What did the sleepy Australian bear say at the job interview?
A. "I believe I am koala-fied for this position."
~~
A dog walks into a butcher shop and the butcher asks, “What do you want?” The dog points to steak in a glass case. “How many pounds?” The dog barks twice. “Anything else?” The dog points to some pork chops and barks four times.
So the butcher wraps up a two-pound steak and four pork chops, and places the bag in the dog’s mouth. He then takes money from a purse tied around the dog’s neck, and sees him out.
A customer, who has been watching in amazement, follows the dog to a house several blocks away, where it rings the doorbell to be let in. As the owner appears at the door, the customer says, “What a remarkable dog!”
“Remarkable?” snorts the owner. “This is the second time this week he’s forgotten his keys.”
~~
A man boards a plane and is seated next to an Air Marshall and his ‘sniffing dog’. Soon, the plane takes off and the Marshall says, “Sniffer, search.” The dog walks along the aisle, and stops next to a woman. He then returns to his seat and puts a paw on the Marshall’s arm.
“Good boy,” says the Marshall.
“What happened?” asks the man.
“That woman is in possession of marijuana. We’ll arrest her when we land.”
Once again, Sniffer searches the aisles. He stops beside a man, then returns to his seat, and places two paws on the Marshall’s arm.
“That man is carrying cocaine,” the Marshall explains.
The dog walks up the aisle again, then races back, jumps into his seat, and poops all over it.
“What’s going on?!” demands the man.
The Marshall nervously replies, “He just found a bomb!”
~~
Two guys were out walking their dogs on a hot day, when they pass by a pub. The first guy says, “Let’s go in there for a pint.” Second guy, says, “They won’t let us in with our dogs.” First guy: “Sure they will, just follow my lead.”
He goes up to the pub, and sure enough the doorman says, “I can’t let you in here with that dog.” He replies, “Oh, I’m blind and this is my seeing-eye dog.” The doorman says, “Ok then, come on in.”
The second guy sees this and does the same thing. He goes up to the pub, and the doorman says, “You can’t come in here with a dog.” He replies, “I’m blind and this is my seeing-eye dog.” The doorman responds, “You have a chihuahua for a seeing-eye dog?” The second guy stops for a second, and exclaims, “They gave me a chihuahua?”
~~
A priest, a rabbi, and a minister decide to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together.
The priest begins. “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”
“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”
They both look down at the rabbi, who is wrapped in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”
~~
A poodle and a collie are walking down the street when the poodle suddenly unloads on his friend. “My life is a mess,” he says. “My owner is mean, my girlfriend’s having an affair with a German shepherd, and I’m as nervous as a cat.”
“Why don’t you go see a psychiatrist,” suggests the collie.
“I can’t,” says the poodle. “I’m not allowed on the couch.”
~~
A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads, “Talking Dog for Sale.” Intrigued, he walks in.
“So, what have you done with your life?” he asks the dog.
“I’ve led a very full life,” says the dog. “I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now, I spend my days reading at a retirement home.”
The guy is flabbergasted, he turns to the owner and asks, “Why on earth would you want to get rid of a dog like that?”
The owner says, “Because he’s a liar! He never did any of that.”
~~
An extensive government study has revealed that the leading cause of cancer in laboratory rats is scientists.
~~
Pollen and allergies got the best of Liam, my 9-year-old son, so he stayed home from school with his grandma. When I got home from work, he said he had brushed our dog, Abby.
Knowing that I kept the dog’s brush up out of reach so she couldn’t chew on it, I asked, “How did you know where I keep Abby’s brush?”
He gave me a puzzled look and said matter-of-factly, “I didn’t. I used your brush.”
~~
Several years ago we headed to a nearby town to visit some relatives. I had a new car and was having fun driving fast on the twisty country roads. As we zoomed along, I noticed a three-legged chicken keeping pace with me. I slowed to get a better look at the speedster when it turned and went down a dirt road.
I stopped, turned around and followed it. After a short ride, we came upon a house with an older couple sitting on the porch and dozens of three-legged chickens in the yard.
I asked them, “Are these your chickens? They’re the fastest I’ve ever seen.” The old man said, “Yep.” So I asked him where they came from, and he replied, “When the kids were younger, they always fought over the chicken legs, so we decided to breed a three-legged chicken.”
I nodded and said, “Well, they are fast, but what do they taste like?”
He admitted, “Not rightly sure; we can't catch any of them.”
~~
When my daughter, Brooxie, was 5 years old, she’d stay with my husband’s parents while we were at work. One day Brooxie was helping Papaw gather eggs.
While putting the eggs into the basket she was carrying, she asked, “Papaw, where do these eggs come from?” Papaw then explained in detail the delicate process of making an egg. Brooxie put her hands on her hips and exclaimed, “Papaw, I don’t eat anything that comes out of a chicken!” And for many years, she didn’t.
~~
During a summer ranch tour we were hosting for an elder hostel, our van passed a pasture with a windmill and a herd of cattle around a stock tank.
A lady on the tour said, “Oh, look! This rancher put up a fan to cool the animals!”
~~
A few months ago, Hamas “arrested” a dolphin for being an Israeli spy. Readers of Reason magazine came up with titles for the film this action might inspire:
• Orcapussy • Free Schmuelly • Goldflipper • The Porpoise-Driven Life • Dolphinfidel
~~
A woman called our airline customer-service desk asking if she could take her dog on board. “Sure,” I said, “as long as you provide your own kennel.” I further explained that the kennel needed to be large enough for the dog to stand up, sit down, turn around, and roll over.
The customer was flummoxed: “I’ll never be able to teach him all of that by tomorrow!”
~~
A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog's IQ.
Here’s how it works: If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you. Jay Leno
~~
We’ve begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet, so we bought a dog. It’s cheaper, and you get more feet. Rita Rudner
~~
Why do dogs always race to the door when the doorbell rings?
It’s hardly ever for them. Harry Hill
~~
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo.
So I had to put my foot down.
~~
Q. What does a dolphin say when he’s confused?
A. Can you please be more Pacific?
~~
Q. What's the first thing you should do if a bull charges you?
A. Pay him!
~~
Nature abhors a vacuum, but not as much as a cat does. anonymous
~~
After a talking sheepdog gets all the sheep in the pen, he reports back to the farmer: “All 40 accounted for.” “But I only have 36 sheep,” says the farmer. “
I know,” says the sheepdog. “But I rounded them up.”
~~
I dressed my dog up as a cat for Halloween.
Now he won't come when I call him.
~~
Good morning everyboomie.
Are you ready for some fresh jokes?
The last ones must be getting pretty stale by now.
I'm waiting for some folks to get here and pick up the two kittens I have. I caught them this morning. One of them is pretty wild, and the other is more docile, but they both hiss at me. The aggressive one paws at me.
I'm glad they're both going to the same family though.
I hope everyone is well out there. L4L I really admire your spunk ma'am.
I don't even want to run to my truck in 100 degree heat.
Soot I hope your half days work well for you.
Taintedfury my hands will start giving me problems when I am gaming. I have the old arthritis in both thumbs. I hope your procedures get you back to enjoying your games without pain.
Ana I wish Missy could enjoy swimming like your pups, but I really can't see myself even going out to the lake to swim that often.
Anyway, this lake actually has alligators in it. Missy would be a tasty meal for sure.
Have a super fantastic week Ana, Family, L4L, Soot, SpaceQuestFan, Gerry, Connie, ManXman, ButterFlyBabe, Trail_Mystic, Mary, TaintedFury and everyone.
joe
Robert Brault
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What did the sleepy Australian bear say at the job interview?
A. "I believe I am koala-fied for this position."
~~
A dog walks into a butcher shop and the butcher asks, “What do you want?” The dog points to steak in a glass case. “How many pounds?” The dog barks twice. “Anything else?” The dog points to some pork chops and barks four times.
So the butcher wraps up a two-pound steak and four pork chops, and places the bag in the dog’s mouth. He then takes money from a purse tied around the dog’s neck, and sees him out.
A customer, who has been watching in amazement, follows the dog to a house several blocks away, where it rings the doorbell to be let in. As the owner appears at the door, the customer says, “What a remarkable dog!”
“Remarkable?” snorts the owner. “This is the second time this week he’s forgotten his keys.”
~~
A man boards a plane and is seated next to an Air Marshall and his ‘sniffing dog’. Soon, the plane takes off and the Marshall says, “Sniffer, search.” The dog walks along the aisle, and stops next to a woman. He then returns to his seat and puts a paw on the Marshall’s arm.
“Good boy,” says the Marshall.
“What happened?” asks the man.
“That woman is in possession of marijuana. We’ll arrest her when we land.”
Once again, Sniffer searches the aisles. He stops beside a man, then returns to his seat, and places two paws on the Marshall’s arm.
“That man is carrying cocaine,” the Marshall explains.
The dog walks up the aisle again, then races back, jumps into his seat, and poops all over it.
“What’s going on?!” demands the man.
The Marshall nervously replies, “He just found a bomb!”
~~
Two guys were out walking their dogs on a hot day, when they pass by a pub. The first guy says, “Let’s go in there for a pint.” Second guy, says, “They won’t let us in with our dogs.” First guy: “Sure they will, just follow my lead.”
He goes up to the pub, and sure enough the doorman says, “I can’t let you in here with that dog.” He replies, “Oh, I’m blind and this is my seeing-eye dog.” The doorman says, “Ok then, come on in.”
The second guy sees this and does the same thing. He goes up to the pub, and the doorman says, “You can’t come in here with a dog.” He replies, “I’m blind and this is my seeing-eye dog.” The doorman responds, “You have a chihuahua for a seeing-eye dog?” The second guy stops for a second, and exclaims, “They gave me a chihuahua?”
~~
A priest, a rabbi, and a minister decide to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together.
The priest begins. “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”
“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”
They both look down at the rabbi, who is wrapped in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”
~~
A poodle and a collie are walking down the street when the poodle suddenly unloads on his friend. “My life is a mess,” he says. “My owner is mean, my girlfriend’s having an affair with a German shepherd, and I’m as nervous as a cat.”
“Why don’t you go see a psychiatrist,” suggests the collie.
“I can’t,” says the poodle. “I’m not allowed on the couch.”
~~
A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads, “Talking Dog for Sale.” Intrigued, he walks in.
“So, what have you done with your life?” he asks the dog.
“I’ve led a very full life,” says the dog. “I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now, I spend my days reading at a retirement home.”
The guy is flabbergasted, he turns to the owner and asks, “Why on earth would you want to get rid of a dog like that?”
The owner says, “Because he’s a liar! He never did any of that.”
~~
An extensive government study has revealed that the leading cause of cancer in laboratory rats is scientists.
~~
Pollen and allergies got the best of Liam, my 9-year-old son, so he stayed home from school with his grandma. When I got home from work, he said he had brushed our dog, Abby.
Knowing that I kept the dog’s brush up out of reach so she couldn’t chew on it, I asked, “How did you know where I keep Abby’s brush?”
He gave me a puzzled look and said matter-of-factly, “I didn’t. I used your brush.”
~~
Several years ago we headed to a nearby town to visit some relatives. I had a new car and was having fun driving fast on the twisty country roads. As we zoomed along, I noticed a three-legged chicken keeping pace with me. I slowed to get a better look at the speedster when it turned and went down a dirt road.
I stopped, turned around and followed it. After a short ride, we came upon a house with an older couple sitting on the porch and dozens of three-legged chickens in the yard.
I asked them, “Are these your chickens? They’re the fastest I’ve ever seen.” The old man said, “Yep.” So I asked him where they came from, and he replied, “When the kids were younger, they always fought over the chicken legs, so we decided to breed a three-legged chicken.”
I nodded and said, “Well, they are fast, but what do they taste like?”
He admitted, “Not rightly sure; we can't catch any of them.”
~~
When my daughter, Brooxie, was 5 years old, she’d stay with my husband’s parents while we were at work. One day Brooxie was helping Papaw gather eggs.
While putting the eggs into the basket she was carrying, she asked, “Papaw, where do these eggs come from?” Papaw then explained in detail the delicate process of making an egg. Brooxie put her hands on her hips and exclaimed, “Papaw, I don’t eat anything that comes out of a chicken!” And for many years, she didn’t.
~~
During a summer ranch tour we were hosting for an elder hostel, our van passed a pasture with a windmill and a herd of cattle around a stock tank.
A lady on the tour said, “Oh, look! This rancher put up a fan to cool the animals!”
~~
A few months ago, Hamas “arrested” a dolphin for being an Israeli spy. Readers of Reason magazine came up with titles for the film this action might inspire:
• Orcapussy • Free Schmuelly • Goldflipper • The Porpoise-Driven Life • Dolphinfidel
~~
A woman called our airline customer-service desk asking if she could take her dog on board. “Sure,” I said, “as long as you provide your own kennel.” I further explained that the kennel needed to be large enough for the dog to stand up, sit down, turn around, and roll over.
The customer was flummoxed: “I’ll never be able to teach him all of that by tomorrow!”
~~
A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog's IQ.
Here’s how it works: If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you. Jay Leno
~~
We’ve begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet, so we bought a dog. It’s cheaper, and you get more feet. Rita Rudner
~~
Why do dogs always race to the door when the doorbell rings?
It’s hardly ever for them. Harry Hill
~~
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo.
So I had to put my foot down.
~~
Q. What does a dolphin say when he’s confused?
A. Can you please be more Pacific?
~~
Q. What's the first thing you should do if a bull charges you?
A. Pay him!
~~
Nature abhors a vacuum, but not as much as a cat does. anonymous
~~
After a talking sheepdog gets all the sheep in the pen, he reports back to the farmer: “All 40 accounted for.” “But I only have 36 sheep,” says the farmer. “
I know,” says the sheepdog. “But I rounded them up.”
~~
I dressed my dog up as a cat for Halloween.
Now he won't come when I call him.
~~
Good morning everyboomie.
Are you ready for some fresh jokes?
The last ones must be getting pretty stale by now.
I'm waiting for some folks to get here and pick up the two kittens I have. I caught them this morning. One of them is pretty wild, and the other is more docile, but they both hiss at me. The aggressive one paws at me.
I'm glad they're both going to the same family though.
I hope everyone is well out there. L4L I really admire your spunk ma'am.
I don't even want to run to my truck in 100 degree heat.
Soot I hope your half days work well for you.
Taintedfury my hands will start giving me problems when I am gaming. I have the old arthritis in both thumbs. I hope your procedures get you back to enjoying your games without pain.
Ana I wish Missy could enjoy swimming like your pups, but I really can't see myself even going out to the lake to swim that often.
Anyway, this lake actually has alligators in it. Missy would be a tasty meal for sure.
Have a super fantastic week Ana, Family, L4L, Soot, SpaceQuestFan, Gerry, Connie, ManXman, ButterFlyBabe, Trail_Mystic, Mary, TaintedFury and everyone.
joe
Good on you taking care of those kitties ... that's wonderful they're going to the same family
It isn't until after I deal with them that I realize something said or done doesn't make sense. Or I realize they talked me out of something I wanted done. 
I can only handle so much of it at a time. At the risk of jinking myself, I'll say that after 10 days of on and off service; not knowing when my internet and/or cable will go down, things seems to have calmed down. 
Have also been without WiFi but I think I know what I have to do, just need to make time to try it and then be prepared to call them back of it doesn't work. 
will start feeling better soon, take care & wishing you all a goodnights sleep 
lovely breakfast & family 
Very similar here not all states & yes I agree with you on that about the masks......When I hear stupid things on the News 
from the government or see Selfish/Silly& Ignorant people in public not caring about other people health, I just shake my head
...
Many here caught from illegal gatherings, beach and demonstrating, not wearing masks - it goes on! Unfortunately it's those people who catch it and pass it onto the innocent ones, but there's not much we can about it but wear our masks and try to be as careful as possible when going out. May you & your family safe & healthy. Ps Wishing you some cooler weather your way especially after all that work you did. 
...Ps Sounds like your fully organized about working in the garage, good to hear about the downsizing! 
& Kaki's Sister 
Sounds like a delicious especially after not being to eat properly yesterday. 
& Butterflybabe 
Terrific day too you all.