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Joe's Diner August 31st

Posted By: gymcandy1

Joe's Diner August 31st - 08/31/20 08:56 PM

The late comedian Mitch 
Hedberg said that he would write jokes by sitting around his hotel room thinking of things that cracked him up. “Then I go get a pen, and 
I write it down,” he said. “Or, if the pen’s too far away, I convince myself that what I thought of ain’t funny.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


I went to Bank of America to deposit a check, and they asked me for ID. I said, “Are you telling me other people are trying to put money into my account and you’re telling them no?”
~~

My dad is so cheap that when he dies, he’s going to walk toward the light and turn it off.
~~

Tip-jar humor in our local coffee shop: “Afraid of Change? Leave It Here.”
~~

In San Diego to work with military linguists, my colleague and I checked into a hotel and ordered a 5 a.m. wake-up call. The next morning, the phone didn’t ring until 5:30. “You were supposed to call us at 5 a.m.!” I admonished the desk clerk on the other end of the line. “What if I had to close a ­million-dollar contract this morning? Your oversight would have cost me the deal!” “Sir,” he said calmly, “if you had to close that type of deal, I doubt you’d be staying in this type of hotel.”
~~

Q: Why was the dead man not living well?

A: Because he was dead broke.
~~

Because my wife and I are flea market dealers, we usually carry stacks of $1 bills. Not long ago, we had lunch at a restaurant and paid the check with singles. As our waitress collected the ones, she sized up my 70-year-old wife and said, "You had a good night dancing last night, huh?"
~~

I stopped off at the super­market to buy my son-in-law his favorite pie, sour cream raisin. The box had the $15 price stamped on the top, which I thought would be tacky on a gift, so I asked the man behind the counter for a marker to black out the price. Didn't work—you could still see the price through the ink.

"I know what to do," the man said. "I'll cover it up."And with that, he slapped a sticker over the price that read "$2.98 Day Old."
~~

The CEO of a large corporation was giving advice to a junior executive. “I was young, married, and out of work,” he lectured. “I took the last nickel I had and bought an apple. I polished it and sold it for a dime. The next day I bought two apples, polished them, and sold them for ten cents each.”

“I see,” said the junior executive. “You kept reinvesting your money and grew a big business.” “No,” said the CEO. “Then my wife’s father died and left me a fortune.”
~~

I had my credit card stolen the other day but I didn't bother to report it because the thief spends less than my wife.
~~

I'm currently boycotting any company that sells items I can't afford.
~~

That awkward moment when you leave a store without buying anything and all you can think is "act natural, you're innocent".
~~

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
~~

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I'm not sure son, I'm still paying."
~~

I saw a sign that said "Watch for children" and I thought, "That sounds like a fair trade".
~~

I won $3 million on the lottery this weekend so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity. Now I have $2,999,999.75.
~~

You take away the looks, money, intelligence, charm and success and, really, there's not a lot of difference between me and George Clooney.
~~

To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money. On the plus side, he makes great Subway sandwiches.
~~

The question isn't at what age I want to retire, it's at what income.
~~

You don't have to marry for money; hang around the rich and marry for love.
~~

Money isn't everything, but it certainly keeps you in touch with your children.
~~

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.
~~

Never lend money to a friend. It's dangerous. It could damage his memory.
~~

After hearing a sermon on Psalm 52:3-4 (lies and deceit), a man wrote the IRS, “I can’t sleep knowing that I have cheated on my income tax. Enclosed is a check for $150. If 
I still can’t sleep, I’ll send the rest.”
~~

A last-minute filer walked into our state income tax office and handed me his returns. Just as he did, a peal of laughter could be heard in another room. Glaring at me, he grumbled, “What are they doing back there, counting the money?”
~~

Here are the best tried-and-failed excuses British businesses gave for not paying their taxes on time.

• My pet goldfish died. 
 —Self-employed builder

• Our business doesn’t really do anything. —Financial services firm

• I’ve been too busy submitting my clients’ tax returns. —Accountant
~~

I was in small-claims court when I listened in on the case of a woman who held a good job but still had trouble paying her bills on time. "Can't you live within your income?" asked the judge. "No, Your Honor," she said. "It's all I can do to live within my credit."
~~

My friend has a bad habit of overdrawing her bank account.

One day before we went shopping, I complained about my lack of funds and lamented, “Guess I’ll use plastic.”

Unconcerned, she whipped out her checkbook: “I’m using rubber.”
~~

No one likes coughing up rent. But at least these tenants gave landlords creative reasons for avoiding it.

"With my daughter's graduation, our new boat, and our trip to Europe this year, we're a little strapped."

"I'm getting real tired of paying this rent every month! You'll have to wait a few more days."

"We're a little short right now. But don't worry—we're getting a refund on my wife's tattoo. The artist messed it up, and we're getting back most of the bucks!"

"I didn't pay the rent because I'm saving up to move."

"It's your fault the check bounced. Why didn't you tell me you were going to run to the bank the very same day!"
~~

A local charity had never received a donation from the town's banker, so the director made a phone call.

"Our records show you make $500,000 a year, yet you haven't given a penny to charity," the director began. "Wouldn't you like to help the community?"

The banker replied, "Did your research show that my mother is ill, with extremely expensive medical bills?"

"Um, no," mumbled the director.

"Or that my brother is blind and unemployed? Or that my sister's husband died, leaving her broke with four kids?"

"I … I … I had no idea."

"So," said the banker, "if I don't give them any money, why would I give any to you?"
~~

The teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway. After a brief, fruitless search, he gave up. His mother took up the cause and within minutes found the lens.

"How did you do that?" he asked.

"We weren’t looking for the same thing," she explained. "You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $150."
~~

To publicize colon cancer screenings, an Idaho doctor suggested that a reminder be included in every tax notice.

The idea was nixed. "Recommending a colonoscopy in the same envelope as the tax notice may be considered ironic," said the county treasurer.
~~

I took four tires to a friend’s garage sale and was asking $30 apiece. I needed to leave for a few minutes, so I asked him to watch them for me.

"Sure," he said, "but if someone offers less, how low are you willing to go?"

"Try for more, but I will accept $15," I said, and left.

When I returned, my tires were gone. "How much did you get for them?" I asked excitedly.

"Fifteen dollars each."

"Who bought them?"

"I did!"
~~

A Brooklyn café is charging $12 for a cup of Ethiopian coffee. The drink doesn't have a name, so The Week asked its readers to do the honors.

Mocha Dinero
Cost-a-latte
Brokefest Blend
Excesso
Ka-Ching-accino
Goldbean Sachs
Café au Laitaway
~~

Hello every boomie. wave2

How is everyone doing? happydance

I had a great visit with family and old friends last week in my old home town. bravo

The greatest thing about the visit, I think, is that it confirmed my suspicion that I don't want to move back there, ever! woot

Many many changes there since I was last there, and not for the best. duh

So I've been busy trying to get caught up since I got back. I had to totally clean house, and I installed two light fixtures that I got in just before I left. yay

This morning my friend here brought little Beau out for a visit. puppy

Missy and Pepper were xtremely happy to get back home, and so was I. dance

I promised my sister I wouldn't wait so long before my next visit, so I told her I'd see her in like 20 years.

Anyway the world is still turning here, and the temperatures are trying to come down. Of course after 105 degrees Saturday almost anything is cooler.

I hope everyone has a super fantastic week for the first week of September.


joe
Posted By: soot

Re: Joe's Diner August 31st - 08/31/20 09:39 PM

Joe ... "so I told her [sister] I'd see her in like 20 years" rotfl Yes, going back to home after being gone for years can be quite the eye opener ... so many changes ... hope you have a 1st great week in September too! Work is keeping me more than busy eek Stay safe ... have fun with Beau!
Posted By: family

Re: Joe's Diner August 31st - 09/01/20 12:01 AM

watching court shows.
Posted By: BrownEyedTigre

Re: Joe's Diner August 31st - 09/01/20 12:51 AM

Joe, that sounds like a great trip just to be able to see what it looks like now. There is no place like your current home though, especially when you have spent as much time as you have to make it exactly as you want. I bet Pepper and Missy are thrilled! How did Pepper do traveling?

soot, hope things slow down a bit for you!

family, enjoy!

Busy day tomorrow but the rest of the week not too busy. I do have to work every day for the holiday but I don't mind.

Have a great day all!
Posted By: connie

Re: Joe's Diner August 31st - 09/01/20 12:34 PM

Good morning, enjoy your day. Danish, Eggs, Grits, Hash Browns, Bacon, Sausage, and Toast in the NC. summer
Posted By: manxman

Re: Joe's Diner August 31st - 09/01/20 01:23 PM

Hope everyone is off to a great September. wave Keep safe everyone and stay well wave
Posted By: soot

Re: Joe's Diner August 31st - 09/01/20 04:22 PM

Good morning manXman, Connie, Ana and Family laugh

The telework pace is very busy but not hectic given my work environment as I have my own kitchen, bathroom, bedroom ... wink

manXman ... wishing you a great month too

Hello Connie, I will enjoy the day and hope you do too ... I'll have a Danish to go please

Ana, sounds like you have all under control ... that's always a good thing ... have fun with your work buddies.

Family, enjoy your shows

L4L hearts

Happy September Joe Ana TaintedFury Family SpaceQuestFan Gerry Connie L4L manXman ButterFlyBabe Trail_Mystic Mary and anyone else who pops in to say hi

wave2

lab
Posted By: family

Re: Joe's Diner August 31st - 09/01/20 11:39 PM

watching court shows.
Posted By: Taintedfury

Re: Joe's Diner August 31st - 09/02/20 09:10 AM

Good Morning Boomers penguin

Hi Joe sherlockgood to hear your trip well & you plus pets are safe at home car , Ana wavegirlhugs to you & nugget puppy , Soot blackkittyMy mother loves reading his books - Soot you've got the best work set at your home hehe thumbsup ps come the weekend our internet always go silly (bad nbn) smashpc, family hug Have fun watching your shows woot, connie burger great breaky as always joy & Manxman wave2Super day to you. happydance
Posted By: connie

Re: Joe's Diner August 31st - 09/02/20 12:47 PM

Good morning, have a Lovely day. Danish, Eggs, Grits, Hash Browns, Bacon, Sausage, and Toast in the NC. summer
Posted By: soot

Re: Joe's Diner August 31st - 09/02/20 01:54 PM

Whoa ... August the 31st ... my but that was quick headscratch

Good morning Connie ... wishing you a lovely day too! Hope all is well with you and yours. I'm up for the full Monty this morning ... so how about eggs, grits, bacon, sausage and toast in the NC thanks

G'Day TaintedFury ... I was a "hard core" Sci-Fi only dude and then met wife who slowly expanded my reading genre to crime, fable, fantasy, spy, mystery, adventure and more ... oh my ... yes indeed TF, I have a super work setup ... take care ... stay smart ... stay safe

Hey Ho Family ... hope your shows are most eggscellant today happydance

L4L hearts

Have an awesome day Joe Ana TaintedFury Family SpaceQuestFan Gerry Connie L4L manXman ButterFlyBabe Trail_Mystic Mary and anyone else who pops in to say hi

wave2

lab
Posted By: looney4labs

Re: Joe's Diner August 31st - 09/02/20 05:01 PM

Back from an awesome run. Doing laundry and waiting on son/g'son's to vacate kitchen so I can make chicken salad. Have a great day!
Posted By: gymcandy1

Re: Joe's Diner August 31st - 09/02/20 05:56 PM

Well I thought I posted this morning and then I couldn't find it. Sure enough I posted in the wron g week. crazy


Good morning everyboomie. wave2

I hope everyone is doing great this morning. happydance

I'm about to take the pups to the park. It's very overcast and cool here. It rained and stormed all day yesterday, and we could not get out to walk. lab

Our temperatures are going to stay down in the 80s all week. penguin

TaintedFury and Soot I loved reading Clive Cussler. It's been a while but books like Raise the Titanic, and Saraha were a lot of fun. bravo

Ana Pepper enjoys road trips, as long as I don't make a sharp turn and tip her travel cage over. oops lol

Gotta go. Have a super day everyone. wave

joe
Posted By: soot

Re: Joe's Diner August 31st - 09/02/20 10:14 PM

Joe ... lol ... I've done that before, especially when I'm teleworking! Oh my goodness yes, I love Clive Cussler's books. But must admit my favorite author is Isaac Asimov. My very first Sci Fi book was Catch a Falling Star by John Brunner ... great story.

Hope you guys had a great time at the park happydance

wave2
Posted By: family

Re: Joe's Diner August 31st - 09/02/20 10:50 PM

watching court shows.
Posted By: BrownEyedTigre

Re: Joe's Diner August 31st - 09/03/20 01:23 AM

Joe, that is too funny about quick turns! rotfl Poor Pepper! I can't tell you how well I can take turns now after transporting dogs all day to the park. There are so many with no sea legs whatsoever! lol

family, enjoy!

soot, how is the week going? Time is going crazy fast!

connie, thanks for breakfast! How are things?

L4L, you are doing great with your dedication on running. It feels good mentally and physically doesn't it?

manxman, good to see you!

Taintedfury, spring is arriving for you now, right? Is it starting to warm up?

Have a great day all!
Posted By: connie

Re: Joe's Diner August 31st - 09/03/20 01:54 PM

Good morning, have a Lovely day. My dad, hubby, and I used to pass Clive Cussler's books around. My favorite author was Anne Mc Caffery, especially her Pern books. dragon Danish, Eggs, Grits, Hash Browns, Bacon, Sausage, and Toast in the NC. summer
Posted By: looney4labs

Re: Joe's Diner August 31st - 09/03/20 04:44 PM

Thumping Good Thursday ya'll puppy

Hot and humid here, but the sky is blue and the sun is shining.

Ana, I really do miss my run on the rare day I can't go...mostly that is because of dental appts. We will have to see how that holds up in the winter. Cold air is not a good mix for my lungs usually, so I have to breathe through a scarf wrapped around my mouth and nose. Course last year, we didn't have much winter.

Do you seat belt the dogs in your car?

Connie, I love all the Pern books that McCaffery wrote but when Todd took over, they just weren't the same. Lately I've been listening to Micheal J Sullivan's books while I jalk, and love all of them.

Off to brew more coffee before Noon rolls around rotfl

Have a great day wavegirl

Posted By: connie

Re: Joe's Diner August 31st - 09/03/20 06:30 PM

L4L, I agree Todd is just not his mother when it comes to Pern.
Posted By: soot

Re: Joe's Diner August 31st - 09/03/20 10:34 PM

Ana ... the week's are going too fast ... too much going on ... and we've got a major event to prepare for and it's going to take months to do just that ... I hope we have enough time

Family, I hope you enjoyed your shows

Connie, do you have any new authors you like? I stumbled onto Lee Child and his Jack Reacher books ... maybe it was wife headscratch

Well I survived Thursday and can smell the weekend ... so I am one happy camper happydance

Have a wonderful evening everyone

wave2

lab
Posted By: family

Re: Joe's Diner August 31st - 09/04/20 01:21 AM

watching court shows.
Posted By: connie

Re: Joe's Diner August 31st - 09/04/20 11:07 AM

Good morning, enjoy your TGIF. Manicure and lunch with a friend today. Danish, Eggs, Grits, Hash Browns, Bacon, Sausage, and Toast in the NC. summer
Posted By: soot

Re: Joe's Diner August 31st - 09/04/20 01:39 PM

Good morning Connie laugh Wishing you a Super T.G.I.F. too. It looks like you will have a lovely day today with your friend. Stay smart & Stay Safe. I'll take a Danish to go with and then get a cuppa Scottish Breakfast Tea from Gerry's Bistro.

Work is keeping me out of trouble ... for the most part lol

I can smell the weekend happydance

L4L hearts

Have a great T.G.I.F. Joe Ana TaintedFury Family SpaceQuestFan Gerry Connie L4L manXman ButterFlyBabe Trail_Mystic Mary and anyone else who pops in to say hi

wave2

lab
Posted By: family

Re: Joe's Diner August 31st - 09/05/20 01:25 AM

chores.
Posted By: manxman

Re: Joe's Diner August 31st - 09/05/20 05:10 AM

Have a Super Weekend everyone wave
Posted By: soot

Re: Joe's Diner August 31st - 09/05/20 02:03 PM

Good morning Family and manXman laugh

Yes indeedee Family ... chores and projects are my life on the weekends, time to get em done luck

Hey Ho manXman ... anything on your docket this weekend?

I am thinking we are going to continue to lay low until the silliness which seems to take root on a daily basis dies off (literally) ... bless their hearts. Little Soot and I hit the park at 0530 this morning to get our exercise, WOM is currently hitting the neighborhood hills and then I'm off to groceries, mail a package and projects. I've got some serious D&D character study to complete for tomorrow's encounter ... some reading ... some playing with my new simulation ... a little bit of gaming in my life, a little bit of reading by my side, a little bit of strolling is all I need, a little bit of home life is what I see…
penguin

L4L hearts

Have a salubrious day Joe Ana TaintedFury Family SpaceQuestFan Gerry Connie L4L manXman ButterFlyBabe Trail_Mystic Mary and anyone else who pops in to say hi wave2

lab



Posted By: looney4labs

Re: Joe's Diner August 31st - 09/05/20 04:08 PM

Ahhhh, back from the hills. They felt like they had grown a bit since 2 days ago, but I beat them in the end. Saw 2 ambulances and the fire marshal's truck at the house kittycorner from us while I was out. Not sure what was happening there.

After I coffee up, I'm heading up to cook up some veggies and make a big salad. Then I'll probably read and rest the achy back.

Ya'll all have a great day!

wavegirl
Posted By: connie

Re: Joe's Diner August 31st - 09/05/20 06:40 PM

Have a Great weekend. I forgot to post this morning. A Sam's, Walmart, and Publix trip today. Chocolate Chip Cookies and Banana Creme Pie in the NC. summer
Posted By: looney4labs

Re: Joe's Diner August 31st - 09/05/20 07:48 PM

Sounds like a busy one, Connie. I'm grabbing both cookies and pie. Thanks!

I'm done for an hour, so I'm heading into the library (without the candlestick or dead body) to read and sip my chocolate coffee wavegirl
Posted By: soot

Re: Joe's Diner August 31st - 09/05/20 08:27 PM

happydance Chocolate Chip Cookies Connie ... oh yeah, I'm saying time for some cookies and pie rah

wave2

lab
Posted By: Taintedfury

Re: Joe's Diner August 31st - 09/06/20 10:50 AM

Good Morning all Boomers penguin

Hi Joe sherlock those books i haven't read but my mother has and she said saraha was very good...terrific day to you wave2

Soot car That's good your wife helped you expand your selection of books....may you both have a terrific day..
p.s Putting a project together in your workshop would be rewarding then...have fun & happy gaming thumbsup

Hiya Ana puppy Yes the last couple of days have been spring weather absolutely beautiful but i think a change in the weather is around the corner... have a fun super day summer

Be healthy & safe Boomers penguin
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