Posted By: gymcandy1
Joe's Dec 14th Diner - 12/15/20 12:10 AM
It’s absolutely stupid that we live without an ozone layer. We have men, we’ve got rockets, we’ve got Saran Wrap—FIX IT!!! —
~Lewis Black~
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Great Customer Service
If you understand English, press 1. If you do not understand English, press 2.
Recording on an Australian tax help line
~~
My friend, an intern, was given $50 to get the chairman of the bank some lunch. Told to get himself something, he bought a shirt.
Source: storify.com
~~
I was at the customer-service desk, returning a pair of jeans that was too tight. “Was anything wrong with them?” the clerk asked. “Yes,” I said. “They hurt my feelings.”
A. P., via e-mail
~~
My collection of vintage kitchen utensils includes one whose intended purpose was always a mystery. It looks like a cross between a metal slotted spoon and a spatula, so I use it as both. When not in use, it is prominently displayed in a decorative ceramic utensil caddy in my kitchen. The mystery of the spoon/spatula was recently solved when I found one in its original packaging at a rummage sale.
It’s a pooper-scooper.
~~
Girl: Ick! Why does this sandwich have bacon on it? Friend: You ordered a BLT. Girl: Whaaaat?
I thought the B stood for bread.
~~
While I was out to lunch, my coworker answered my phone and told the caller that I would be back in 20 minutes. The woman asked, “Is that 20 minutes Central Standard Time?”
~~
At an art gallery, a woman and her ten-year-old son were having a tough time choosing between one of my paintings and another artist’s work. They finally went with mine. “I guess you decided you prefer an autumn scene to a floral,” I said.
“No,” said the boy. “Your painting’s wider, so it’ll cover three holes in our wall.”
~~
Client: Please remove the unnecessary circle at the end of the sentence. Me: You mean … the period? Client: I don’t care what you designers call it; it is unsightly. Delete it
~~
When asked for his name by the coffee shop clerk, my brother-in-law answered, “Marc, with a C.” Minutes later, he was handed his coffee with his name written on the side: Cark.
~~
As the hostess at the casino buffet showed me to my table, I asked her to keep an eye out for my husband, who would be joining me momentarily. I started to describe him: “He has gray hair, wears glasses, has a potbelly ...” She stopped me there. “Honey,” she said, “today is senior day. They all look like that.”
~~
I guess this is what happens after you’ve worked at the same place for a while. I was eating at a fast-food restaurant when an employee began his shift by walking into the kitchen area and calling out, “Honey, I’m home!”
~~
Before google, there were librarians. Here are some queries posed to the poor, suffering staff of public libraries: • A woman wanted “inspirational material on grass and lawns.” • “Who built the English Channel?” • “Is there a full moon every night in Acapulco?” • “Music suitable for a doll wedding to take place between a Shirley Temple doll and a teddy bear.” • “Can the New York Public Library recommend a good forger?”
~~
Honest Brand Slogans
Hallmark: “When you care enough to give a card mass-produced by a corporation.”
Ritz crackers: “Tiny, edible plates.”
CliffsNotes: “They’re still going to know you didn’t read the book.”
Gillette: “We’re just going to keep adding blades.”
ChapStick: “You’ll misplace it before the tube’s empty.”
Hot Pockets: “Every bite is a different temperature.”
~~
Client to designer: “It doesn’t really look purple. It looks more like a mixture of red and blue.”
~~
Don’t get upset if I ask you where something is in Target when you choose to wear a red shirt and khakis to shop. Humorist Reid Kerr
~~
A woman called our airline customer-service desk asking if she could take her dog on board. “Sure,” I said, “as long as you provide your own kennel.” I further explained that the kennel needed to be large enough for the dog to stand up, sit down, turn around, and roll over. The customer was flummoxed: “I’ll never be able to teach him all of that by tomorrow!”
~~
Hello my friends.
Ready for some fresh jokes?
Man! We are half way through December already. I guess that means there's a whole half left, and then we're in 2021.
I had to figure out how to use that 'Happy New Year' smiley before Jan 1st.
Well I have been trying to catch up on some personal health issues before the end of the year. Although, I don't really know what the hurry is. I've been putting them off for more than a few years already.
Anyway I got my eyes tested, because I really need glasses that are not so scratched up that I can't see through them. The Optometrist lady told me I really need to consider cataract surgery. I told her that didn't sound very optimistic.
Today I called the dentist office and said I need a cleaning before the end of the year. She said that the only opening she has left is for 8:40..........in the morning. So I guess I'll get my teeth cleaned in the morning at 8:40.
The funny this is that she first asked me if I prefer a morning or afternoon appointment.
Big smile.
Have a fantastic week everyone.
joe
~Lewis Black~
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Great Customer Service
If you understand English, press 1. If you do not understand English, press 2.
Recording on an Australian tax help line
~~
My friend, an intern, was given $50 to get the chairman of the bank some lunch. Told to get himself something, he bought a shirt.
Source: storify.com
~~
I was at the customer-service desk, returning a pair of jeans that was too tight. “Was anything wrong with them?” the clerk asked. “Yes,” I said. “They hurt my feelings.”
A. P., via e-mail
~~
My collection of vintage kitchen utensils includes one whose intended purpose was always a mystery. It looks like a cross between a metal slotted spoon and a spatula, so I use it as both. When not in use, it is prominently displayed in a decorative ceramic utensil caddy in my kitchen. The mystery of the spoon/spatula was recently solved when I found one in its original packaging at a rummage sale.
It’s a pooper-scooper.
~~
Girl: Ick! Why does this sandwich have bacon on it? Friend: You ordered a BLT. Girl: Whaaaat?
I thought the B stood for bread.
~~
While I was out to lunch, my coworker answered my phone and told the caller that I would be back in 20 minutes. The woman asked, “Is that 20 minutes Central Standard Time?”
~~
At an art gallery, a woman and her ten-year-old son were having a tough time choosing between one of my paintings and another artist’s work. They finally went with mine. “I guess you decided you prefer an autumn scene to a floral,” I said.
“No,” said the boy. “Your painting’s wider, so it’ll cover three holes in our wall.”
~~
Client: Please remove the unnecessary circle at the end of the sentence. Me: You mean … the period? Client: I don’t care what you designers call it; it is unsightly. Delete it
~~
When asked for his name by the coffee shop clerk, my brother-in-law answered, “Marc, with a C.” Minutes later, he was handed his coffee with his name written on the side: Cark.
~~
As the hostess at the casino buffet showed me to my table, I asked her to keep an eye out for my husband, who would be joining me momentarily. I started to describe him: “He has gray hair, wears glasses, has a potbelly ...” She stopped me there. “Honey,” she said, “today is senior day. They all look like that.”
~~
I guess this is what happens after you’ve worked at the same place for a while. I was eating at a fast-food restaurant when an employee began his shift by walking into the kitchen area and calling out, “Honey, I’m home!”
~~
Before google, there were librarians. Here are some queries posed to the poor, suffering staff of public libraries: • A woman wanted “inspirational material on grass and lawns.” • “Who built the English Channel?” • “Is there a full moon every night in Acapulco?” • “Music suitable for a doll wedding to take place between a Shirley Temple doll and a teddy bear.” • “Can the New York Public Library recommend a good forger?”
~~
Honest Brand Slogans
Hallmark: “When you care enough to give a card mass-produced by a corporation.”
Ritz crackers: “Tiny, edible plates.”
CliffsNotes: “They’re still going to know you didn’t read the book.”
Gillette: “We’re just going to keep adding blades.”
ChapStick: “You’ll misplace it before the tube’s empty.”
Hot Pockets: “Every bite is a different temperature.”
~~
Client to designer: “It doesn’t really look purple. It looks more like a mixture of red and blue.”
~~
Don’t get upset if I ask you where something is in Target when you choose to wear a red shirt and khakis to shop. Humorist Reid Kerr
~~
A woman called our airline customer-service desk asking if she could take her dog on board. “Sure,” I said, “as long as you provide your own kennel.” I further explained that the kennel needed to be large enough for the dog to stand up, sit down, turn around, and roll over. The customer was flummoxed: “I’ll never be able to teach him all of that by tomorrow!”
~~
Hello my friends.
Ready for some fresh jokes?
Man! We are half way through December already. I guess that means there's a whole half left, and then we're in 2021.
I had to figure out how to use that 'Happy New Year' smiley before Jan 1st.
Well I have been trying to catch up on some personal health issues before the end of the year. Although, I don't really know what the hurry is. I've been putting them off for more than a few years already.
Anyway I got my eyes tested, because I really need glasses that are not so scratched up that I can't see through them. The Optometrist lady told me I really need to consider cataract surgery. I told her that didn't sound very optimistic.
Today I called the dentist office and said I need a cleaning before the end of the year. She said that the only opening she has left is for 8:40..........in the morning. So I guess I'll get my teeth cleaned in the morning at 8:40.
The funny this is that she first asked me if I prefer a morning or afternoon appointment.
Big smile.Have a fantastic week everyone.
joe
Ana, Birthday Cupcakes in the NC. Dinner and Karaoke with friends tonight. All safety precautions taken. Danish, Eggs, Grits, Hash browns, Sausage and Gravy, Bacon, Sausage, and Toast in the NC. 
He will have his next round of chemo on 5th January.
Good morning T.G.I.F. Connie ... sounds like a fun time at Eagles tonight ... don't get too rowdy and stay safe
