Life is hard; it's harder if you're stupid.
~John Wayne~
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Husband admiring his body in the mirror says to wife 'look at that, 200 pounds of pure dynamite !' Wife replies 'yeah, shame about the 2 inch fuse ...'
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Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect desert camping and riding trip.
Two days before the group is to leave Rob's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.
Rob's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do?
Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Rob sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and supper cooking on the fire.
"Dang man, how long have you been here and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"
"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said 'guess who'?"
I pulled her hands off and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie. She took my hand and took me to our bedroom. The room had two dozen candles and rose pedals all over. She had on the bed, handcuffs and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed and I did. And then she said, "now, you can do what ever you want."
So here I am.
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This french guy he wants to learn English.
So one day he goes to an airport to learn "take off".
Then he goes to the zoo to learn "zebra". Then he goes to the hospital "baby"
So one day he walks up too a hot girl on a beach in a bikini and he said "Take off zebra baby"
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2 cannibals having dinner.
1st says to 2nd, "Your wife makes a lovely stew."
2nd answers, "Yes but I will miss her."
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Five Important Qualities
1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other.
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A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.
A man didn't come home 1 night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friends house. The wife called her husband's 10 best friends. 8 of them confirmed that he had slept over and 2 said he was still there.
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Three women are out clubbing and they spot a club that says, "Women Only."
Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.
The first floor has a sign on the door that reads, "All men here are short and plain."
The women laugh and continue up to the second floor.
The sign reads, "All men here are tall and plain."
Still this isn't good enough, and the women proceed to the third floor.
"All men here are short and handsome."
The women still want more and go to the fourth floor, where the sign reads, "All men here are tall and handsome."
This is perfect and the women are preparing to go in, when they realise that there is still one more floor.
They go up one floor and read the sign. "There are no men here. This floor is built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."
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An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.
"Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated by check. "I know you need to make sure the check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.
Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."
"I know, sorry about that", said the old man, "but I had one hell of a weekend."
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Yesterday, government scientists suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned
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The man say to the woman: Why are you not speaking to me?
Women: Because I am speaking to my dog.
Man: The dog can't speak.
Women: My dog can speak.
Man: How?
Women: Dog speak to me!
Dog: woof woof.
Man:Tthe dog is barking not speaking.
Women: This dog is not barking, my dog is speaking.
Man: You have to go to the doctor to check your ear.
Women: Where?
Man: TO THE DOCTOR!
Women: What's a moctor?
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Two friends Peter and Jack is leaving for holiday in a same airplane. Peter was sad when he couldn't meet Jack before they get in to the plane. After some time he sees Jack coming up th stairs and Peter shouted, "HI-JACK"
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At big event this guy is carrying two plates of food from the buffet- one for his girl-friend and one for himself. As they enter the large hall to sit at a long table, everyone looks up and starts moving their chairs to make room for the couple to sit. At the same time the girl says, "Honey, give me the keys to the car, I need to get something."
He looks at the plates in his hands and says, "Well, I can't give them to you right now...but you can reach in my pocket and get them."
Everyone is looking as she reaches into his pants. She smiles bashfully as she looks around and said, "I feel a little funny."
He replies, "Feel a little deeper and you will feel NUTS!"
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Good morning everyboomie.
Look at all the happy faces in the diner this morning.
I guess nobody remembered what day it is.
I knew what day it was, even without looking at yesterday's diner title.
I'm trying to find a way to forget it.
I've been trying to find a solution to a part of the Rise of the Tomb Raider game for the last hour on line and I'm wanting to get back to it so......
I hope everyone has a super fantastic
MONDAY!!!
joe
acebook
witter
Have a great monday everyone! 
