No matter how happily a woman may be married, it always pleases her to discover that there is a nice man who wishes she were not.
Saturday night I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment.Conversation wasn’t flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk, he agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.
On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can’t explain his behavior; I don’t know why he didn’t say I love you too.
When we got home I felt as if had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched T.V. he seemed distant and absent.
Finally I decided to go to bed, about 10 minutes later he came to bed and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts where somewhere else. I decided that I could not take it anymore so I decided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep. I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep. I don’t know what to do, I’m almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster. His Diary
Today the Lakers lost, but at least I got laid.
If Congress can pay farmers not to raise crops, why can’t we pay Congress not to raise taxes?
Some people think the government owes them a living. The rest of us would gladly settle for a small tax refund.
Don’t you long for the good old days when Uncle Sam lived within his income and without most of yours?
The average man now lives thirty-one years longer than he did in 1850
He has to in order to get his taxes paid.
A certain tax attorney took on a very complex case of tax evasion for a rather mysterious client. He devoted over a year to the case, familiarizing himself with every loophole and angle of current legislation, and made a brilliant argument before the court.
His client was called out of town when the jury returned with its verdict, a sweeping victory for his client on every count.
Flushed with victory, the lawyer exuberantly cabled his client, “Justice has triumphed!”
A realistic fellow, the client immediately wired back, “Appeal at once!”
Doing your own income tax return is a lot like a do-it-yourself mugging.
An accountant dies and goes to Heaven. He reaches the pearly gates and is amazed to see a happy crowd all waving banners and chanting his name.
After a few minutes St. Peter comes running across and says, “I’m sorry I wasn’t here to greet you personally. God is looking forward to meeting such a remarkable man as yourself.”
The accountant is perplexed. “I’ve tried to lead a good life, but I am overwhelmed by your welcome,” he tells St. Peter.
“It’s the least we can do for someone as special as you are. Imagine, living to the age of 123 and still looking so young,” says St. Peter.
The man looks even more dumbfounded and replies, “123 years old? I don’t know what you mean. I’m only 40.”
St. Peter replies, “But that can’t be right – we’ve seen your time sheets!”
Today the IRS gave some guidelines on how to avoid getting audited. Number one, don’t list deductions that will raise a red flag. Number two; make sure you file on time. Number three, don’t make any stupid anti-war speech at the Academy Awards.
Here are some humorous statements made by airline flight crews...
"As we prepare for takeoff, please make sure your tray tables and seat backs are fully upright in their most uncomfortable position."
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."
"Your seat cushions can be used for floatation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."
"We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke, contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wing of the airplane."
"Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately."
"Good morning. As we leave Dallas, it's warm, the sun is shining, and the birds are singing. We are going to Charlotte, where it's dark, windy and raining. Why in the world y'all wanna go there I really don't know."
Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."
Pilot - "Folks, if you were with us last week, we never got around to mentioning that it was National Procrastination day. If you get a chance this week, please try to celebrate it. If you can't get to it, then maybe try to do it at the weekend, but no big rush. Have a nice day."
And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
As we waited just off the runway for another airliner to cross in front of us, some of the passengers were beginning to retrieve luggage from the overhead bins. The head steward announced on the intercom, "This aircraft is equipped with a video surveillance system that monitors the cabin during taxiing. Any passengers not remaining in their seats until the aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at the gate will be strip-searched asthey leave the aircraft.
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella...WHOA..!"
"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like children."
"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry... Unfortunately none of them are on this flight!"
Good morning everyboomie.
Thursday has to be a better day for getting out than yesterday.
Since it rained though, and even if it hadn't, I'm thinking I'll take Baby to the creek, and do some head hunting.
I'm a little skittish about going because there have been increased reports of encounters with rabid animals in these parts.
I'm not too worried though. My sister is in Texas, so I think it's safe enough.
I'll keep Baby close to me. It's her I worry about. I've been running around in these woods my whole life, and I've never encountered a rabid animal.
Now, I'm going to bed and dream about finding arrowheads. That's usually where I find my biggest ones.
Have a happy day everyone.