Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.
Rita Rudner
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At a recent COMDEX,
(actually probably about 25 years ago now, but I still dig the response), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated that:
"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got1,000 miles to the gallon."
General Motors has issued a press release stating:
1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you
would just accept this, restart and drive on.
4. Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car XP" or "Car 2000". But then you would have to buy more seats.
6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive, but would only work on 5% of the roads.
7. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning light would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
9. The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.
10. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna.
11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the justice dept.
12. Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn to
drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
13. You would press the "start " button to shut off the engine.
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There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"This little computer," said the sales clerk, "will do half of your job for you."
Studying the machine, the senior VP said, "Fine, I'll take two."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Heaven And HellIn Heaven:
The cooks are French,
The policemen are English,
The mechanics are German,
The lovers are Italian,
The bankers are Swiss.
In Hell:
The cooks are English,
The policemen are German,
The mechanics are French,
The lovers are Swiss,
The bankers are Italian.
In Computer Heaven:
The management is from Intel,
The design and construction is done by Apple,
The marketing is done by Microsoft,
IBM provides the support,
Gateway determines the pricing.
In Computer Hell:
The management is from Apple,
Microsoft does design and construction,
IBM handles the marketing,
The support is from Gateway,
Intel sets the price.
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Dear Editor,
I have two brothers, one works at Microsoft, the other was sentenced to death in the gas chamber.
My mother died of insanity when I was three years old, my two sisters are prostitutes and my father sells drugs.
Recently, I met a girl who was released from a reformatory where she served time for smothering her illegitimate child to death.
I love this girl very much and want to marry her.
My problem is this:
Should I tell her about my brother who works at Microsoft?
Sincerely,
Larry
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New Viruses on the loose!Oprah Winfrey virus:
Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB and then slowly expands back to 200MB.
AT&T virus:
Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.
MCI virus:
Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.
Politically Correct virus:
Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism."
Arnold Schwarzenegger virus:
Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.
Government Economist virus:
Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.
New World Order virus:
Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.
Federal Bureaucrat virus:
Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.
Texas virus:
Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.
Adam and Eve virus:
Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.
Congressional virus:
The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.
Airline virus:
You're in Dallas but your data is in Singapore.
Freudian virus:
Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying to its own motherboard.
Public Television virus:
Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money.
Elvis virus:
Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self destructs only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.
Nike virus:
Just does it.
Congressional virus #2:
Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously, but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.
Star Trek virus:
Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.
Health Care virus:
Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Good morning everyboomie.
Another very long day is almost behind me, but I am NOT off tomorrow.
My brain, in a sugar induced haze, got confused, and to tell the truth, I really don't even have to be in a sugar induced haze to get confused these daze.
Anyway, I submitted several request for vacation days at the same time. Some were on Wednesday, and some on Thursday. This one is Thursday....not Wednesday.
OOPS!
I close Wednesday night. Wah-HOO!
In the mean time.....Sleep.....Sleep......My kingdom for a mattress.
I think I'll go induce a haze with alcohol.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
acebook
witter
Have a great day, everyone. 
Have an easy peasy day!
Have a lovely day!
