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#1021529 - Yesterday at 10:33 PM Saturdiner
gymcandy1 Offline
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 04/24/05
Posts: 30480
Loc: Mead, Oklahoma
I occasionally get birthday cards from fans. But it’s often the same message: They hope it’s my last.
~Al Forman (former MLB umpire)

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What are the blonde's first words after 4 years of college?
"Would you like fries with that?"

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A boy goes to the drug store with his dad and sees the condom display.
Boy: "Dad, why do they do packs of one condom?"
Dad: "Those are for the high-schoolers for Friday nights."
Boy: "So, why do they make packs of three?"
Dad: "For the college guys for Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights."
Boy: "Then why do they make packs of 12?"
Dad: "Those are for married couples -- you know, January, February, March."

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Jesus was worried about the drug epidemic plaguing the world. In an effort to solve this dilemma, he decided that a few apostles would return to earth and fetch a sample of each drug, so they could understand what these substances did.
Two days after the operation is implemented, the disciples begin to return. Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in each disciple: "Who is it?" "It's Mark" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Mark?" "Marijuana from Colombia" "Very well son, come in."
Another soft knock is heard. "Who is it?" "It's Matthew" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Matthew?" "Cocaine from Bolivia" "Very well son, come in."
At the next knock Jesus asks, "Who is it?" "It's John" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring John?" "Crack from New York" "Very well son, come in."
Someone starts pounding on the door. "Who is it?" "It's Judas" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Judas?" "FREEZE! THIS IS THE FBI!"

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Introductory Chemistry at Duke has been taught for about a zillion years by Professor Bonk (really), and his course is semi-affectionately known as "Bonkistry". He has been around forever, so I wouldn't put it past him to come up with something like this.
Anyway, one year there were these two guys who were taking Chemistry and who did pretty well on all of the quizzes and the mid-terms and labs, etc., such that going into the final they had a solid A. These friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week (even though the Chem final was on Monday), they decided to go up to U Virginia and party with some friends up there.
They did this and had a great time. However, with their hangovers and everything, they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, they found Professor Bonk after the final and explained to him why they missed the final. They told him that they went up to UVA for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare and couldn't get help for a long time and so were late getting back to campus.
Bonk thought this over and then agreed that they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were elated, relieved and very proud of their story. So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time Bonk had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin.
They looked at the first problem, which was something simple about molarity and solutions and was worth 5 points. "Cool," they thought, "this is going to be easy." They did that problem and turned the page. They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page...
WHICH TIRE? (95 points)

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Albert Einstein used to go to dinners where he was invited to give a speech. One day, on his way to one of those dinners, he told his chauffeur (who looked exactly like him) that he was dead tired of giving the same speech, dinner after dinner.
"Well," said the chaffeur, "I've got a good idea. Why don't I give the speech since I've heard it so many times?'' So Albert's chauffeur gave the speech perfectly and even answered a few questions. Then, a professor stood up and asked him a really tough question about anti-matter which the chauffeur couldn't answer
"Sir, the answer to your question is so easy that I'll let my chauffeur answer it!"

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DRIVERS EDUCATION EXAM ANSWERS

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick-up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."

Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your steering wheel.

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.

Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.

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Three criminals are sentenced to exile in the desert and can only bring one personal item.

"I brought a loaf of bread, so when I get hungry, I'll have something to eat," said the first criminal.

"I brought a water skin, so that when I get thirsty, I'll have something to drink," said the second.

The third criminal looks proud of himself. "I brought a car door, so when it gets hot, I can roll down the window."

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Last semester I took macroeconomics and didn't have a clue what I was doing (as cited on the final exam). There were 80 multiple choice questions. For some reason I decided to play the game of probability and choose the letter "A" for everything. In that game, the only thing probable was that I failed.
The following day, the professor asked to see me after class. "Is everything okay?" "Sure," I said, "why? "Well, here's your test," he said and handed me a piece of paper that was covered with red ink. "Can you explain why you chose an 'A' for everything?"
Knowing that there was nothing I could do at this point, I said, "Well, I've always wanted to be an 'A' student."

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A blonde walked into her final exam very nervous. But when she received the test, she was relieved to find out that it was a True or False exam. Immediately, she reached into her purse and pulled out a coin. Each time she flipped the coin she would write down an answer. "What are you doing?" the professor asked her. "I'm figuring out the answers," the blonde replied.
To this, the professor just rolled his eyes and looked away. When she was done, the professor announced that there were five minutes left to go. "Oh my god!" she said in an excited voice, and started to flip the coin as fast as possible.

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A graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
A graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
A graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much it cost?"
A graduate with a liberal arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

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A teacher asks the new student her name. The girl replies, "Happy Butt."

The teacher says, "I don't think that's your name. You need to go to the principal's office and get this straightened out."

The girl goes to the principal's office and he asks, "What's your name?" The little girl says, "Happy Butt."

The principal calls the girl's mother to get the truth. After getting off the phone, he says, "Honey, your name is Gladys, not Happy Butt."

The girl exclaims, "Glad Ass -- Happy Butt -- what's the difference?"

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Greetings Earthlings. wave


Welcome to the weekend diner, Saturday edition. thumbsup


I'm your host joe schmo from kokomo, and I'm here for your surfing pleasure. monky


While you pleasure yourself.......surfing......I'm just going to go take a little cat nap, since I've been up since 3:30. sherlock


I had to go to the bank today at lunch, and I missed my mid-day nap. pacify


I get cranky when that happens. smirk


You wouldn't like me when I'm cranky. taz


Have a super day everyone. wink



joe
_________________________
"Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in." Will Rogers

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#1021536 - Yesterday at 11:14 PM Re: Saturdiner [Re: gymcandy1]
BrownEyedTigre Offline
The Sassy Global Moderator PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 01/04/04
Posts: 67215
Loc: In the Naughty Corner
Good morning Joe and all! Happy and safe 4th of July to all!

Ana wave
_________________________
Don't feed the Trolls

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#1021539 - Yesterday at 11:39 PM Re: Saturdiner [Re: BrownEyedTigre]
Space Quest Fan Offline
Adept Boomer

Registered: 02/17/01
Posts: 10580
Loc: Columbus,Ohio
4th to all my fellow Boomers. happydance
_________________________
It's nice to be important but it is much more important to be nice.

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#1021541 - Yesterday at 11:42 PM Re: Saturdiner [Re: gymcandy1]
venus Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 03/07/09
Posts: 6015
Loc: Arcadia (twin world of Stark)
Joe, you're entertaining even when cranky. lol Hope you get a nap in tomorrow. grin

Have a fantastic 4th of July, Ana!

4th to you as well, Space Quest!

It was yet another crazy, busy week, and I'm happy to finally have a day off! rah No plans for tomorrow, but I'm fine with that, as I need my relaxing time. I'm sure they'll be plenty of fireworks to watch provided by our neighbors anyway. grin I do plan to sing and game, however. thumbsup

Hope everyone who has a holiday has a terrific one. 4th Hope everyone here has a terrific Saturday. summer


Edited by venus (Yesterday at 11:42 PM)
_________________________
Interrogator: [True or false?] All mangoes are golden. Nothing golden is cheap. Conclusion - all mangoes are cheap.

Helena: Where are these mangoes?

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#1021544 - Today at 12:14 AM Re: Saturdiner [Re: gymcandy1]
BrownEyedTigre Offline
The Sassy Global Moderator PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 01/04/04
Posts: 67215
Loc: In the Naughty Corner
Have a great day SpaceQ and Venus!
_________________________
Don't feed the Trolls

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#1021550 - 32 minutes 38 seconds ago Re: Saturdiner [Re: gymcandy1]
Haroula Online   happy
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 06/02/10
Posts: 9009
Loc: Greece
Good morning,have a great day all. wave
4th
_________________________
I change all my passwords to "incorrect". So whenever I forget, it says, "your password is incorrect".


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