The best way to keep children home is to make the home a pleasant atmosphere . . . and let the air out of the tires.
-DOROTHY PARKER
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Love- When your eyes meet across a crowded room.
Lust- When your tongues meet across a crowded room.
Marriage- When you try to lose your spouse in a crowded room.
Love- When intercourse is called making love.
Lust- When intercourse in called scr--ing.
Marriage- When intercourse is a little town in Pennsylvania.
Love- When you argue over how many kids to have.
Lust- When you argue over who gets the wet spot.
Marriage- When you argue over whose idea it was to have kids.
Love- When you share everything you own.
Lust- When you steal everything they own.
Marriage- When the bank owns everything.
Love- When it doesn't matter if you don't climax.
Lust- When the relationship is over if you don't climax.
Marriage- When.... uh.... what's a climax?
Love- W hen your heart flutters every time you see them.
Lust- When your groin twitches every time you see them.
Marriage- When your wallet empties every time you see them.
Love- When all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel.
Lust- When all the songs on the radio determine how you do it.
Marriage- When you listen to talk radio.
Love- When breaking up is something you try not to think about.
Lust- When staying together is something you try not to think about.
Marriage- When just getting through the day is your only thought.
Love- When you're only interested in doing things with your partner.
Lust- When you're only interested in doing things TO your partner.
Marriage- When you're only interested in your golf score.
Love- When a rainy day means more time to stay inside and talk.
Lust- When a rainy day means more time to stay inside and have sex.
Marriage- When a rainy day means it's time to clean the basement.
Love- You only leave the house for coffee and doughnuts.
Lust- You only leave the house for condoms and Vaseline.
Marriage- You only leave the house when you're allowed.
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Mike was going to be married to Karen so his father sat him down for a little chat. He said, "Mike, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your mother, and said, Here - try these on.'
She did and said," these are too big. I can't wear them."
I replied, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.' Ever since that night, we have never had any problems."
"Hmmm," said Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to try. On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen, "Here - try these on."
She tried them on and said, "These are too large. They don't fit me."
Mike said, "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. I don't want you to ever forget that."
Then Karen took off her pants and handed them to Mike. She said, "Here - you try on mine."
He did and said, "I can't get into your pants."
Karen said, "Exactly. And if you don't change your attitude, you never will."
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A woman visited a psychic of some local repute.
In a dark and gloomy room, gazing at the Tarot cards laid out before her, the Tarot reader delivered the bad news; "There is no easy way to say this so I'll just be blunt, prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, the woman stared at the psychic's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the Tarot reader's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked:
"Will I get away with it?
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A 57-year-old woman was arrested for shoplifting. When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?" She replied: a can of peaches.
The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry.
The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6.
The judge then said, "I will give you 6 days in jail."
Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.
He said," What is it? "
The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."
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BACHELOR:
A guy who has avoided the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
BRIDE:
A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.
COMPROMISE:
An amiable arrangement between husband and wife whereby they agree to let her have her own way.
DIPLOMAT:
A man who can convince his wife she would look fat in a fur coat.
GENTLEMAN:
A husband who steadies the stepladder so that his wife will not fall while she paints the ceiling. A man who, when his wife drops her knitting, kicks it over to her so that she can easily pick it up.
HOUSEWORK:
What the wife does that nobody notices until she doesn't do it.
HUSBAND:
A man who gives up privileges he never realized he had.
JOINT CHECKING ACCOUNT:
A handy little device which permits the wife to beat the husband to the draw.
LOVE:
An obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage.
MISS:
A title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate that they are in the market.
MISTRESS:
Something between a mister and a mattress.
MOTHER-IN-LAW:
A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.
SPOUSE:
Someone who will stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single in the first place.
WIFE:
A mate who is forever complaining about not having anything to wear at the very same time that she complains about not having enough room in the closet.
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After his wife leaves him a guy tells his best friend, I don't understand. After the last child was born, she told me we had to cut back on expenses, I had to give up drinking beer. I was not a big drinker, maybe a 12 pack on weekends. Anyway, I gave it up but I noticed the other day she came home from grocery shopping and when I looked at the receipt and saw $45 in makeup. I said, "Wait a minute I've given up beer and you haven't given up anything!"
She said, "I buy that makeup for you, so I can look pretty for you."
I told her, "Hell, that's what the beer was for!"
I don't think she'll be back.
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During the banquet celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration.
"Tell us Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?"
Tom responds, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, meekness, self-restraint, forgiveness, and many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single in the first place."
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A wife was berating her husband. He motioned for her to quiet down saying, "Don't unleash the beast in me."
The wife snickered and replied, "Unlike a lot of women, 'dear', I'm not the least bit afraid of a mouse."
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A man called home to his wife and said, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box? We're leaving from the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up" "Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pyjamas."
The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish?
He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish.But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pyjamas like I asked you to do?"
The wife replied, "I did. They're in your fishing box!
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Good morning everyboomie.
This may be a normal day, or it may be an off day, depending on your perspective. I just don't have many quips for you today.
Would you like some more quotes?
Ok.....Last night I decided that it's never too late, and that from now on I'm going to follow my dreams.
When I woke up this morning I couldn't remember any of them.
I'll try again tonight.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
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witter
You are too funny Joe! I don't remember my dreams either! 
Good Morning to you too Connie! 
Have an easy peasy day!
