First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.
—George Burns
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What Do You Do All Day?Patrick came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pyjamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front garden.
The door of his wife, Valerie's car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog. Proceeding into the hall, Patrick found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the rug was piled up against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.
In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the worktop, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.
Patrick quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for Valerie. He was worried she might be ill, collapsed, that something serious had happened.
He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and sink.
As he rushed to the bedroom, he found Valerie still curled up in the bed in her pyjamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.
Patrick looked at Valerie, bewildered and asked, 'What happened here today?'
Valerie again smiled and answered, 'You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me sarcastically what in the world I do all day?'
'Yes,' was Patrick's startled reply.
Valerie answered, 'Well, today, I didn't do it.'
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Nobel PrizeBob is walking down a country road when he spots Farmer Harris standing in the middle of a huge field of corn doing absolutely nothing. Bob, curious to find out what's happening, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, 'Excuse me Farmer Harris, could you tell me what you are you doing?'
'I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize, 'the farmer replies.
'A Nobel Prize?' enquires Bob, puzzled. 'How?'
'Well, I heard that to win a Nobel Prize you have to be out standing in your field.'
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Barbara's Pie - Barbara, during her nurse's training at a hospital just outside Washington, DC, had little money for meals, so she often resorted to the food provided at the hospital refectory, even though she had a great dislike for its rather bland taste.
Barbara often took her breaks in the kitchen, and sometimes kindly visitors would give her some of the treats they had brought for patients who had not wanted to eat them.
On one particular evening an English woman, from the East end of London, brought a home made pie to the kitchen and said to Barbara, 'Would you eat this up, love?'
Barbara and her student friend devoured every last delicious crumb.
Soon their benefactor returned, however, and asked, 'Is me 'usband's pie 'ot yet, dearie?'
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Lesson in employee relationshipSteve Cleary was in his early 50's, retired and had started a second career. However, he just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. However, he was a good worker, really clever, so the owner was in a quandary about how to deal with it. Finally, one day he called Steve into the office for a talk.
'Steven, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a top class job, but you're being late so often is quite a worry.'
'Yes, I realise that, sir, and I am working on it.' replied Steve.
'I'm pleased to hear that, you are a team player. It's odd though, you're coming in late. I know you're retired from the Royal Navy. What did they say if you came in late there?'
'They said, "Good morning, Admiral".'
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Reginald's New DietReginald was terribly overweight, so his doctor placed him on a strict diet.
'I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds, 'his doctor assured him.
When Reginald returned he shocked his doctor by having lost almost twenty pounds.
'Why, that's amazing, 'the doctor said, greatly impressed, 'You certainly must have followed my instructions.'
Reginald nodded, 'I'll tell you what though, I thought I was going to drop dead on the third day.'
'Why, from hunger?' asked his doctor.
'No, from all that skipping.'
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Amusing Observations on Growing OlderYour kids are becoming you...and you don't like them
...but your grandchildren are perfect.
Going out is good.
Coming home is better.
When people say you look "Great"...
they add "for your age".
When you needed the discount you paid full price.
Now you get discounts on everything ...
movies, hotels, flights, but you're too tired to use them.
You forget names ... but it's OK
because other people forgot
they even knew you!
The 5 pounds you wanted to lose
is now 15 and you have a better chance
of losing your keys than the 15 pounds.
You realise you're never going
to be really good at anything ... especially golf.
Your husband is counting on you
to remember things you don't remember.
The things you used to care to do,
you no longer care to do,
but you really do care that you
don't care to do them anymore.
Your husband sleeps better on a lounge chair
with the TV blaring than he does in bed.
It's called his "pre-sleep".
Remember when your mother said
"Wear clean underwear in case you GET in an accident"?
Now you bring clean underwear in case you HAVE an accident!
You used to say,
"I hope my kids GET married ..."
Now, "I hope they STAY married!"
You miss the days when everything worked
with just an "ON" and "OFF""switch..
When GOOGLE, ipod, email, modem ...
were unheard of, and a mouse was something
that made you climb on a table.
You used to use more 4 letter words ...
"what?"..."when?"
Now that you can afford
expensive jewellery, it's not safe to wear it anywhere.
Your husband has a night out with the guys
but he's home by 9:00 pm ...next week it will be 8:30 pm
You read 100 pages into a book before you realise you've read it.
Notice everything they sell in stores is "sleeveless"
What used to be freckles are now liver spots.
Everybody whispers.
Now that your husband has retired ...
you'd give anything if he'd find a job.
You have 3 sizes of clothes in your closet ....
2 of which you will never wear.
But old is good in some things:
old songs
old movies
And best of all OLD FRIENDS.
Love you, "OLD FRIEND".
Send this on to other "Old Friends" and
let them laugh in AGREEMENT!!!
Author unknown
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Good morning everyboomie.
Ya know, I think Unknown and Anonymous are two of the smartest people I know of.
If somebody were to ask me who I admire most in this world, I would say it's Unknown.
If you were to ask me who I thought was the best person to quote, I'd say that's Anonymous.
I had a autograph from Anonymous once, and I couldn't get
ANYONE interested in buying it. Not even on
EBAY!! 
Idiots kept asking me who signed it.
Well the witching hour has arrived. I've gotta get to bed asap or I'll turn into a passion fruit.
I don't like pumpkins.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
acebook
witter
for the laughs Joe.
Joe! You are a not a fruit you are a ham! 
Have an easy peasy day!
