A man who has never gone to school may steal from a freight car; but if he has a university education, he may steal the whole railroad.
THEODORE ROOSEVELT
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A man rushed to the jewelry counter in the store where I work soon after the doors opened one morning and said he needed a pair of diamond earrings. I showed him a wide selection, and quickly he picked out a pair.
When I asked him if he wanted the earrings gift-wrapped, he said, "That’d be great. But can you make it quick? I forgot today was my anniversary, and my wife thinks I’m taking out the trash."
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For our honeymoon my fiancée and I chose a fashionable hotel known for its luxurious suites. When I called to make reservations, the desk clerk inquired, "Is this for a special occasion?"
"Yes," I replied. "It’s our honeymoon."
"And how many adults will there be?" she asked.
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Nancy was Catholic, but her fiancé, Chris, was not. Since my friends were planning to be married in the Catholic Church, Chris made sure to listen carefully throughout their prenuptial sessions. At one meeting the priest turned to Chris and told him, "Since you are not Catholic, we shall have the ceremony without Eucharist."
Later that day, Chris was noticeably upset, so Nancy asked what was wrong. "I don’t understand," he said. "How can we have the ceremony without me?"
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One of my customers at the department of motor vehicles wanted a personalized license plate with his wedding anniversary on it. As we completed the paperwork he explained, "This way I can’t forget the date."
A few hours later, I recognized the same young man waiting in my line. When his turn came, he said somewhat sheepishly, "I need to change the numbers on that plate application."
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One night when I dropped in at the police station on my news beat, a large, efficient-looking woman in uniform who packed a service revolver at her waist was behind the sergeant’s desk. After checking the blotter, I returned to the car, where my wife was waiting for me.
"You should see the new woman on the force," I said. "She’s tremendous, and wearing a .38."
I didn’t notice the silence until my wife broke it icily with, "I wear a 38."
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Two convicts are working on a chain gang. "I heard the warden’s daughter up and married a guy down on cellblock D," the first con says to the other. "The warden’s mighty upset about it too."
"Why?" asks the second prisoner. "Because she married a con?"
"No. Because they eloped."
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At a clearance sale, the wife of a federal district-court judge found the perfect green tie to match one of her husband’s sport jackets. Soon after, while the couple was relaxing at a resort complex to get his mind off a complicated cocaine-conspiracy case, he noticed a small, round disc sewn into the tie. The judge showed it to a local FBI agent, who was equally suspicious that it might be a "bug" planted by the conspiracy defendants.
The agent sent the device to FBI headquarters in Washington, D.C., for analysis. Two weeks later, the judge phoned Washington to find out the results of their tests.
"We’re not sure where the disc came from," the FBI told him, "but we discovered that when you press it, it plays ‘Jingle Bells.’ "
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Any time the alarm goes off after-hours at the municipal office where I work, the security company calls me at home and I have to go back and reset it. Late at night I got one of those calls. As I was getting ready to head out the door, my husband groggily said, "You’re not going down there by yourself at this hour."
Just as I was thinking, How thoughtful of him, he added, "Better take the dog with you."
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The lawyer I work for specializes in divorce cases, so I was a little surprised to get a call from a prisoner serving life for murdering his wife. My boss was surprised too.
"What does he need me for?" he asked. "He appears to have solved all his marital problems by himself."
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Enclosed with the heartworm pills my friend received from a veterinarian was a sheet of red heart stickers to place on a calendar as a reminder to give her pet the medication. She attached these stickers to her kitchen calendar, marking the first Saturday of every month. When her husband noticed the hearts, he grinned from ear to ear, turned to his wife and asked, “Do you have something special in mind for these days?”
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I work for a security company that transports cash, and part of my job is to work with police if a crew is robbed. One afternoon my wife and I were packing to move, when I received a call to report to a crime scene.
"I have to go," I told my wife. "Two of our guards have been held up at gunpoint at a superstore."
As I dashed out the door, she called, "While you’re there, pick up some big cardboard boxes."
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My granddaughter’s wedding, the DJ polled the guests to see who had been married the longest. Since it turned out to be my husband and me, the DJ asked us, "What advice would you give to the newly married couple?"
I said, "The three most important words in a marriage are, ‘You’re probably right.’ "
Everyone then looked expectantly at my husband. "She’s probably right," he said.
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A couple we know were in Lamaze class, where they had an activity requiring the husband to wear a bag of sand—to give him an idea of what it feels like to be pregnant. The husband stood up and shrugged, saying, "This doesn’t feel so bad."
The teacher then dropped a pen and asked him to pick it up.
"You want me to pick up the pen as if I were pregnant?" he asked.
"Exactly," replied the instructor.
To the delight of the other husbands, he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, pick up that pen for me."
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I was bending over to wipe up a spill on the kitchen floor when my wife walked into the room behind me. "See anything you like?" I asked suggestively. "Yeah," she said. "You doing housework."
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Good morning everyboomie.
Welcome to the weekend/part II.
I've had too much to do, and got home later, so I'm running way late. I need to be in bed. I have to get up at 4:30.
It's such an un-Godly hour for a Sunday.
Plus I'm dealing with stomach cramps. I really hope it doesn't cause me any middle of the night ...........you know.
Have a happy Sunday everyone.
joe
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witter
Good morning Joe, Anaand all. Joe hope you feel better. Ana how's the foot? Coffee and tea are ready. Wishing you all a great day! 
Howdy ho, sweet Joe! Thanks for the openers and hope you are feeling better this morning! Happy Super Duper Sunday!
Have an easy peasy day!
