ALEXANDER DUMAS
Friendship consists in forgetting what one gives and remembering what one receives.
``````````````````````````
Driving home dejected from Baton Rouge, Louisiana, after a Mississippi-Louisiana State college football game that Ole Miss had lost 24-0, I was ignoring the speed limit and, sure enough, a Louisiana patrolman flagged me down. "You’ve got me, Officer," I confessed as I handed him my license. "I was speeding."
The officer confirmed that I was clocked at 72 m.p.h. But as he spoke, I noticed him stealing a peek at my game program and a pair of binoculars on the passenger seat. "Were you down for the big game?" he asked.
"Yes, sir," I replied. The officer then paused for what seemed like an eternity.
"Well," he said finally, "I guess you’ve suffered enough."
I couldn’t believe my good fortune. But as my license was handed back to me, I felt compelled to ask a question. "Officer," I said, "what if Ole Miss had won?"
"I’d have locked you up in a heartbeat," came his reply. "Now keep it under 60!"
```````````````````````
My husband bought an exercise machine to help him shed a few pounds. He set it up in the basement but didn’t use it much, so he moved it to the bedroom. It gathered dust there, too, so he put it in the living room.
Weeks later I asked how it was going. “I was right,” he said. “I do get more exercise now. Every time I close the drapes, I have to walk around the machine.”
```````````````````````
About to have a blood test, I nervously waited while the nurse tightened a tourniquet around my arm. "I understand you’re from Oklahoma," she said. "Are you a Sooners fan?"
"Absolutely!" I replied.
"Well," she continued as she raised the needle, "this may hurt a little. I’m from Nebraska."
`````````````````````
A friend of mine had resisted efforts to get him to run with our jogging group until his doctor told him he had to exercise. Soon thereafter, he reluctantly joined us for our 5:30 a.m. jogs on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays.
After a month of running, we decided that my friend might be hooked, especially when he said he had discovered what "runner’s euphoria" was. "Runner’s euphoria," he explained, "is what I feel at 5:30 on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays."
````````````````````````
On a Saturday afternoon when football fever was running high in South Bend, Indiana, a Notre Dame student was brought into the hospital where I was on duty as a nurse. He had acute appendicitis, and as I prepared him for surgery I asked if he wasn’t terribly disappointed to miss the big game.
"Oh, I won’t miss it," he said. "Doc is giving me a spinal anesthetic so I can listen to it during the operation!"
```````````````````````
Standing on the sidelines, during a game being played by my school’s football team, I saw one of the players take a hard hit. He tumbled to the ground and didn’t move.
We grabbed our first-aid gear and rushed out onto the field. The coach picked up the young man’s hand and urged, "Son, can you hear me? Squeeze once for yes and twice for no."
````````````````````
I played for a semipro baseball team. At every game we sold raffle tickets. Half the money paid the team’s expenses and the other half went to the winning ticket holder. One day they held the drawing just as I was stepping up to bat.
The home plate umpire pulled the winning ticket, and then turned to me. "Could you read me the number?" he asked. "My vision’s not too good."
````````````````````````````
It was the first day of basketball practice at Wingate high school in Brooklyn, N.Y. Coach Jack Kaminer handed a ball to each player. "Fellas," he said, "I want you to practice shooting from the spots you might expect to be in during the game."
The No. 12 sub immediately sat down on the bench and began arcing the ball toward the basket.
```````````````````````````
Back at my high school for the tenth reunion, I met my old coach. Walking through the gym, we came upon a plaque on which I was still listed as the record holder for the longest softball throw.
Noticing my surprise, the coach said, "That record will stand forever."
I was about to make some modest disclaimer that records exist to be broken, when he added, "We stopped holding that event years ago."
`````````````````````````
Blood may be thicker than water, but baseball beats them both. I learned this after explaining to my two boys that they were half-Lithuanian on their father’s side, and half-Yankee, meaning their other set of parents came from an old New England family.
My younger son looked worried. "But we’re still a hundred percent Red Sox, right, Mom?"
```````````````````````````````
We can teach kids there’s no i in team, but it’s way more important
to teach them that there’s no a in
definitely.
Humorist Aaron Fullerton
``````````````````````````
Parenting Fads According to The Onion
The latest parenting fads,
according to the Onion:
• Couples are waiting to announce their pregnancy until after their child has graduated college and become
a partner in a successful law firm.
• Parents are choosing not to learn the gender of their obstetrician.
• As part of the new Infinity Womb trend, women are using a wide range of Lamaze, strength-training, and yoga techniques to forcefully prevent their children from ever leaving their wombs, forever protecting them from the harsh realities of the world.
````````````````````````
Good morning everyboomie.
I feel much better about my future today.
After doing my linen I now have 3 beds that I can sleep in before I have to wash sheets again.
By my calculations that should be on or about August 16th.
Of course the twin bed could get a little crowded with the three of us.
I figure though if I sleep by the wall, the other two can't push me out of the bed.
All this talk about beds is making me sleepy......hmmm.
Funny how that works.
You are getting verrry sleeepy.
Have a sleepy day everyone.
I mean happy.
joe
acebook
witter
Wishing everyone here and on their way a super duper day! 
Joe!!! Thanks for the laughs! Have a lovely day!
Have an easy peasy day!
looney