Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.
SUSAN ERTZ
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A man invited a woman over to his home for a seven-course meal.
“That’s lovely,” she said. “What are we going to have?”
He said, “A hot dog and a six-pack of beer.”
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Sarah Silverman tweeted, “When ur relatives drive you crazy just close your eyes & pretend it’s dialogue in
a woody allen movie.”
She got this
response: “Tried that. Didn’t work.”
Mia Farrow
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A father shows up at his daughter’s home and finds his son-in-law angrily packing his bags.
“What’s wrong?” he asks.
“I texted my wife that I was coming home today from my golfing trip. And what did I find when I walked through the door? Her making out with Joe Murphy! I’m leaving!”
“Now, calm down,” says his
father-in-law. “There must be a
simple explanation. I’ll find out what happened.” Moments later, he reappears. “I told you there was a simple explanation, and there is,” he says. “She never got your text.”
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One of my friends is pregnant. And I’m really excited. Not for the baby but because she’s one of my skinniest friends.
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For Mother’s Day: My Mom Taught Me …
Logic: “If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can’t go to the store with me.”
Humor: “When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”
Justice: “One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you. Then you’ll see what it’s like!”
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My mother was rushed to the
hospital following a serious tumble. There the staff placed a band around her wrist with large letters warning: Fall Risk.
Unimpressed, Mom said to me, “I’ll have them know I’m a winter, spring, and summer risk too.”
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I put so much more effort into naming my first Wi-Fi than my
first child.
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MSW?!
(Mom say what?!)
Texting acronyms can stump even the best parents:
Mom: Your great-aunt just passed away. LOL.
Son: Why is that funny?
Mom: It’s not funny, David! What do you mean?
Son: Mom, LOL means Laughing Out Loud.
Mom: I thought it meant Lots
of Love. I have to call everyone back.
~
Daughter: I got an A in Chemistry.
Mom: WTF!
Daughter: Mom, what do you think WTF means?
Mom: Well That’s Fantastic.
~
Mom: What do IDK, LY & TTYL mean?
Son: I don’t know, love you, talk to you later.
Mom: OK, I will ask your sister.
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The first time my mother flew, she was a nervous wreck. During takeoff, the roar from the engines proved
reassuring—it meant they were working, she reasoned. But when the plane leveled off, so did the engines. Grabbing the armrests, she asked aloud, “Did we stop?”
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I once got a text from my mom where “You’re amazing” autocorrected to “You’re adopted.”
@StefenColalillo
On Valentine’s Day last year, my mom texted me, “Enjoy your VD.” Not the best time to
abbreviate, Mom.
@HollyLouHarris
My mom once texted me “can you come over, I want you to take a selfie of me.”
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“My great-grandma gave me this money,” said my three-year-old, happily clutching a $20 bill he’d
gotten as a present.
“That’s right,” I said. “How did you know that?”
Pointing to Andrew Jackson’s face in the middle, he said, “Because her picture is on it.”
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In an attempt to balance work and motherhood, I delegated the grocery shopping to my young babysitter. But the job proved a tad daunting. One day while I was at work, she texted me from the supermarket. “Can’t find Brillo pads,” she wrote. “All they have are Tampax and Kotex.”
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Good morning everyboomie.
The weekend is here, the weekend is here!
Tomorrow.
Better late than never I always say.
I'm getting more philosophical in my age and I have a question for you. Do you think the world would be a better place if everyone were just like you?
I don't.....
I think if everyone were like me, I'd be completely miserable, because most of them would be a better me than I am.
I've been hoping to return to the state that I was born in before I die. In most places it's illegal to walk around naked though.
Don't knock it till you've tried it.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
acebook
witter
Good Morning Joe, Space, Ana and all. Joe how are you adjusting to retirement? Space enjoy your day. Ana I know you will have a fun day! Coffee and tea are ready.
, Gerry, and all who come in the diner today. I have to leave for work soon. Have a great day everyone. It's Friday. The weekend is here, 
