Kindness is never wasted. If it has no effect on the recipient, at least it benefits the bestower.
S.H. Simmons
`````````````````
My mom moved into a new condo, and I went to visit for a couple of days. Searching for a coffee cup one morning, I sighed, “It seems like I’m always looking for something in your kitchen.”
“That’s good,” Mom said. When I looked confused, she explained, “Because when you know where to look, it’s time to go home.”
`````````````
Mom's Movie Reviews
Renting a film? Check My Mom’s Movie Review, where comic Lauren Palmigiano’s mother gives her opinions.
Burlesque
Oh. My. God. Loved it. I will watch this 100 times. If I’m in jail and they ask what I want for my last meal—I’ll say, "The Burlesque DVD and lobster."
The Town
I thought it was the Betty White movie, so I was very surprised when I saw it was the Ben Affleck movie. Actually, I didn’t understand a lot of what they were saying because they had the thickest Boston accents I’ve ever heard. It sounded like a foreign language, but I know it was English.
Shutter Island
I thought it was going to be really scary. But I only screamed one time. A one-screamer. Leonardo DiCaprio’s hair in the movie looks terrible. They gave him a bowl cut. He has a tiny Band-Aid on his forehead. They never explain why it’s there. Maybe he had a pimple.
```````````````````
I can’t tell the difference between a rose and a dandelion. So when it came time to fix up my garden, I had no clue which plants to keep and which ones to remove. Until, that is, my mother gave me this handy tip: “Pull them all up. If it comes back, it’s a weed.”
`````````````````
My coworker at the hotel was miserable at his job and was desperately searching for a new one.
"Why don’t you work for your mother?" I suggested.
He shook his head. "I can’t," he said. "Her company has a very strict policy against hiring relatives."
"Who made up that ridiculous rule?"
"My mother."
`````````````````
My cousin was in love and wanted to introduce his bride-to-be to his hypercritical mother. But in order to get an unbiased opinion, he invited over three other female friends as well and didn’t tell his mom which one he intended to marry.
After the four women left, he asked his mother, "Can you guess which one I want to marry?"
"The one with short hair."
"Yes! How’d you know?"
"Because that’s the one I didn’t like."
```````````````
Over dinner, I explained the health benefits of a colorful meal to my family. "The more colors, the more variety of nutrients," I told them. Pointing to our food, I asked, "How many different colors do you see?"
"Six," volunteered my daughter. "Seven if you count the burned parts."
``````````````````
“Why doesn’t your mother like me?” a woman asks her boyfriend.
“Don’t take it personally,” he assures her. “She’s never liked anyone I’ve dated. I once dated someone exactly like her, and that didn’t work out at all.”
“What happened?”
“My father couldn’t stand her.”
`````````````````
My wife, a real estate agent, wrote an ad for a house she was listing. The house had a second-floor suite that could be accessed using a lift chair that slid along the staircase. Quickly describing this feature, she inadvertently made it sound even more attractive: "Mother-in-law suite comes with an electric chair."
`````````````````````
I was sound asleep when the telephone jarred me awake.
"Hi!" It was my peppy mother-in-law. She proceeded to rattle on about the busy day she had ahead and all the things that awaited her the rest of the week.
"Mom," I interrupted. "It’s five in the morning."
"Really? What are you doing up so early?"
`````````````````````
Fresh out of gift ideas, a man buys his mother-in-law a large plot in an expensive cemetery. On her next birthday, he buys her nothing, so she lets him have it. "What are you complaining about?" he fires back.
"You still haven’t used the present I gave you last year."
```````````````````````
The night we took our three young sons to an upscale restaurant for the first time, my husband ordered a bottle of wine. The server brought it over, began the ritual uncorking, and poured a small amount for me to taste.
My six-year-old piped up, "Mom usually drinks a lot more than that."
`````````````````````
My mother, a master of guilt trips, showed me a photo of herself waiting by a phone that never rings.
"Mom, I call all the time," I said. "If you had voicemail, you’d know." Soon after, my brother installed it for her.
When I called the next time, I got her message: "If you are a salesperson, press one. If you’re a friend, press two. If you’re my daughter who never calls, press 911 because the shock will probably give me a heart attack."
````````````````````
Goooood morning everyboomie.
Welcome to the weekend!
You see? I told you it would get here today.
I am kind of exhausted tonight. I got up late (7am), and messed around until 9:00 before I went to Lowe's. They didn't have everything I needed, so after visiting for a good while, I went to Walmart. They didn't have what I need, so I went to two other stores that didn't have what I need, so I came back home.
I was still working on the front bathroom, and after spending several hours on that bathroom, I started working on the other bathroom at about 2:30. I actually got it all painted, except for cutting in around the ceiling, but if I can find what I could NOT find this morning, some border, then I won't need to cut in around the ceiling.
I'll probably have to go to Texas, where they have more decorating ideas than animal heads, and snake skins.
I have a tip for you. If you're ever driving through Oklahoma and see some Okies laying sod, do them a favor and tell them it's 'green side up'.
Anyway after climbing around the bathroom painting, my back is tired, and my legs are sore.
Time for bed.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
acebook
witter
Good Morning Joe, na and everyone. Joe I hope you sleep well. Ana sounds like a relaxing day for you. Coffee and tea are ready. Wishing you all a great day! 
In fact, I have a lot of days off this week, so it may be time to start job hunting. 
I still want to try to hold out to see if things improve for the holidays, as I really hate to leave my current job. As for today, I am singing and gaming. 
