By the pricking of my thumbs, something wicked this way comes.
William Shakespeare
````````````````
Acme CompaniesAcme Rope, Inc. -
Knot your ordinary company.
Acme Mine Shafts -
Drop in any time
Acme Lollipops -
One lick and you'll stick with us.
Acme Light Company -
We have lots of bright ideas.
Acme Clown Make-up -
Let us put a smile on your face.
Acme Perfume Corp. -
We love it when business stinks.
Acme Air Conditioning -
We show people how to chill out.
Acme Toy Company -
Our work is kids' play.
Acme Perfume Company -
Our work is all dollars and scents.
Acme Almond Company -
We're nuts!
Acme Sheep Farm -
Our mind is on ewe.
Acme Calculators -
We help you solve your problems.
Acme Flower Bulbs -
We root for you.
Acme Psychologists -
Visit us and you won't go away mad!
Acme Poultry Management -
Let us count your chickens before they hatch.
``````````````````
Academic Talk
The following list of phrases and their definitions might help you understand the mysterious language of science and medicine. These special phrases are also applicable to anyone working on a Ph.D. dissertation or academic paper anywhere! "It has long been known" = I didn't look up the original reference.
"A definite trend is evident" = These data are practically meaningless.
"While it has not been possible to provide definite answers to the questions" = An unsuccessful experiment, but I still hope to get it published.
"Three of the samples were chosen for detailed study" = The other results didn't make any sense.
"Typical results are shown" = This is the prettiest graph.
"These results will be in a subsequent report" = I might get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded.
"In my experience" = once.
"In case after case" = twice.
"In a series of cases" = thrice.
"It is believed that" = I think.
"It is generally believed that" = A couple of others think so, too.
"Correct within an order of magnitude" = Wrong.
"According to statistical analysis" = Rumor has it.
"A statistically oriented projection of the significance of these findings" = A wild guess.
"A careful analysis of obtainable data" = Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a glass of pop.
"It is clear that much additional work will be required before a complete understanding of this phenomenon occurs"= I don't understand it.
"After additional study by my colleagues"= They don't understand it either.
"Thanks are due to Joe Blotz for assistance with the experiment and to Cindy Adams for valuable discussions" = Mr. Blotz did the work and Ms. Adams explained to me what it meant.
"A highly significant area for exploratory study" = A totally useless topic selected by my committee.
"It is hoped that this study will stimulate further investigation in this field" = I quit.
````````````
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, 'How old was your husband?'
'98,' she replied, 'Two years older than me'
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.
She responded , 'Hardly worth going home, is it?
Reporter interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?' the reporter asked.
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'
The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.
I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
New knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes
I'm half blind,
Can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
Take 40 different medications that
Make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia ..
Have poor circulation;
Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 89 or 98.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license.
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
So I got my doctor's permission to
Join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But,
By the time I got my leotards on, The class was over.
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.
These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For Fast Relief".
THE SENILITY PRAYER:
Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
The eyesight to tell the difference.
```````````````````
Good morning everyboomie............he said as he was taking his sleeping pill.
I've always believed in being early.
Sometimes it meant getting out of bed way too early. Other times...........like now, it means to get something posted, and then get the heck TO BED EARLY!
Don't know why, but Ahm tard.............Way tard.................Re-tard.
Actually I do know why.
The last time I bought a brand new vehicle was in 1995. Before that it was 1976.
Today I thought, "It's time", and i went out and bought a new Ford F150, and I'm just a little bit stressed.
I ran right home afterward and took a dozen Zanax.
They're going to deliver it here tomorrow.
By golly I'm 65 years old, and I'm going to ride in style!
Until I'm 69, and they come back and reposes it.
By then I'll just trade it in for a wheel chair.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
acebook
witter
I am in need of the same kind of purchase too Joe. My truck is on life support. 
Good Morning Joe, Ana and everyone. Joe congrats on the truck! 
Coffee and tea are ready. 
