By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.
SOCRATES
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Kid in the Dark
This guy walks into a bar and sees a lady sitting by herself. He goes over and buys her and drink and they chat a while and he leaves with her to go to her place. They are in the middle of having a good time when he hears a noise at the door and she says "It's my husband home for lunch... quick, hide in the closet!" So he does.
He's standing in the closet when he hears this small voice... "Gee, it's dark in here". He looks around trying to find out where it came from when he hears it again... "Gee, it's dark in here..."
He quickly whispers "Shhhh, who are you?"
The little voice says "That's my mommy and daddy out there, gee, it's dark in here, I'm scared, I'm gonna scream."
The man whispers back "No, PLEASE don't scream. I'll give you five dollars if you don't scream."
The little boy answers "Gee, it's dark in here, I'm pretty scared, I'm gonna scream..."
"I'll give you ten dollars if you don't scream."
"Gee, it's dark in here, I'm REALLY scared, I'm gonna scream..."
The guy says "Look kid, here's FIFTY dollars, it's all I have, don't scream."
"Ok." the kid whispers quietly.
So the guy waits in the closet till he hears the husband finish lunch and as soon as he hears the door close he runs out of the closet and jumps out the window and runs down the street. Later that afternoon, the lady is out shopping with her son at the mall when he sees a bike in the toy store window and says to his mom "Gee, I'd REALLY like that bike."
"Sorry, I can't afford to buy you a bike."
The kid says, "That's ok, I can buy it myself, I have fifty dollars."
She pulls him aside and asks him "WHERE did you get fifty dollars?"
"I'll never tell."
"You BETTER tell me where you got that money."
"I'll never tell."
"You must have done something bad to get that money. I'm taking you to church and you can tell the priest how you got that money in confession." So she does.
The little boy is in the confessional and the door closes and he says "Gee, it's dark in here..."
And the priest answers "Now let's not start THAT again..."
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Landlord Letters
1. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared.
2. I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
3. This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door.
4. The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand?
5. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.
6. I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
7. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
8. The person next door has a large erection in his back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
9. Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk. Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant.
10. Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it.
11. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny color and not fit to drink.
12. Would you please send a man to repair my downspout. I am an old age pensioner and need it straight away.
13. Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap. My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us.
14. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 5:30 his [blip] wakes me up, and it is getting too much.
15. When the workmen were here they put their tools in my wife's new drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy.
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Good morning everyboomie.
I give up on trying to get these jokes and quotes. It's mind numbing slow.
That really hurts, and I already have a headache.
Well it was a dog day afternoon. Not only did I have my door open all day for the dogs to go in and out freely, but I did a project in my yard and I was just in my shorts, with no shirt.
I was a wonderful day, and after I walked for 30 minutes on the treadmill I decided to do a project that I've been waiting for a good time to do.
My sidewalk doesn't go all the way to the fence gate, and I've had some old boards laying there to walk on. The guy I bought the house from left a bunch of landscaping timbers stacked out by the storage building, plus about 10 bags of leveling sand. I took the boards up, dug out the area for the timbers to lay, put the sand in it and lay the timbers down side by side from the end of the sidewalk out a foot past the gate. Now it's a nice boardwalk all the way out to the drive.
I'm in such great shape, every muscle in my body is sore.
I'm tired. I'd like to say I worked as hard as a dog. In truth dogs are lazy beast that do nothing but lay around and sleep all day.
I worked as hard as a pack mule.
Now, I'm dog tired.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
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Ahhhh to have a dogs life! You had a full day Joe! I bet your walkway looks nice! 
Good Morning Joe, Ana and everyone. I'm feeling a bit under the weather again today. I think it's a sinus infection. Coffee, tea and hot chocolate are ready.
