There are two ways of spreading light: to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it.
EDITH WHARTON
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Toy Store Fired
Some of the many reasons I was fired from working at the local toy store...A little too much joie de vivre while demonstrating the erector set, if you know what I mean.
Every time you're passed over for a promotion, you stick your head in an Easy Bake Oven and threaten to "end it all."
You got caught adding a garage to your house using embezzled Lego bricks.
Numerous parental complaints about your "Tickle Me Carl The Stockboy" display.
You went overboard with your GI Joe Militia display by adding the Tonka truck full of fertilizer.
Cross-dressing the Ken and Barbie dolls and telling kids they're the new "Jerry Springer" edition.
The "My Little Taxidermy Kit" (with starter squirrel) is not selling.
Impromptu demonstrations of why Malibu Ken is not anatomically correct.
Got caught doing your Dolly Parton impression with basketballs again.
Source of reefer smoke finally traced to "nostrils" of Geoffrey the Giraffe.
Jaws of life needed to pull your knees out of your chest after you jackknifed a Big Wheel.
Caught hocking phlegm into tykes' hands and telling them it was "homemade Gack."
Your sales display, "Barbie's Struggle for Survival in Post-Nuclear Holocaust Malibu" was not exactly an overwhelming success.
Too many reports from people who swear they saw Geoffrey the Giraffe in a leather bar.
Regardless of the question, you answer, "Bite me, kid -- I'm on break."
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Trailer Trash
You know you're really trailer trash when...The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse.
You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the table in front of her kids.
You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
Jack Daniel's makes your list of "Most Admired People."
You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.
You wonder how gas stations keep their restrooms so clean.
Someone in your family died right after saying "Hey, y'all watch this!"
Your Junior / Senior prom had a daycare.
You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas is in it.
Ya' can't git married to yer sweetheart 'cause there's a dang law against it.
You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
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Translating Personals
GUIDE TO TRANSLATING "PERSONAL" ADVERTISEMENTSIndependent Thinker . . . . . . . Crazy.
High-Spirited . . . . . . . . . Crazy, hyperactive, and throws things.
Free-Spirited . . . . . . . . . Crazy and irresponsible.
Ample . . . . . . . . . . . . . Large.
Huggable . . . . . . . . . . . . Large.
Zaftig . . . . . . . . . . . . . REALLY Large.
Fat and Sassy . . . . . . . . . Large and loudmouthed.
Slender . . . . . . . . . . . . Skinny.
Svelte . . . . . . . . . . . . . Anorexic.
Petite (I am). . . . . . . . . . Short.
Petite (you are) . . . . . . . . Size 2.
Dynamic . . . . . . . . . . . . Pushy.
Assertive . . . . . . . . . . . Pushy with a mean streak.
Excited About Life's Journey . . No concept of reality.
Moody . . . . . . . . . . . . . Manic-depressive.
Unpredictable . . . . . . . . . Manic-depressive and off medication.
Soulful . . . . . . . . . . . . Manic-depressive and quiet.
Poetic . . . . . . . . . . . . . Manic-depressive and boring.
Looking for Mr/Ms Right. . . . . Looking for Mr/Ms Rich.
Very Human . . . . . . . . . . . Quasimodo.
Uninhibited . . . . . . . . . . Lacking basic social skills.
Irreverent . . . . . . . . . . . Mean and lacking basic social skills.
Aging Child . . . . . . . . . . Self-centered adult.
Freedom-loving . . . . . . . . . Undependable.
Young at Heart . . . . . . . . . Over 40.
Youthful . . . . . . . . . . . . Over 50 and in major denial.
Chatty . . . . . . . . . . . . . Never shuts up.
Humorous . . . . . . . . . . . . Watches too much TV and never shuts up.
Financially secure (I am). . . . Has a job.
Financially secure (you are) . . Rich.
Affectionate . . . . . . . . . . Horny.
Romantic . . . . . . . . . . . . Horny.
Passionate . . . . . . . . . . . REALLY horny.
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Good morning everyboomie.
There's just no justice in this world......or, maybe there is. My neighbors never returned from court, all day.
Maybe they decided they had other things to do.
The bottom line is, I never got to go head hunting.
About 11:00 I decided to do something useful, so I went to check out my lawnmower, and see how it's running. I had to air up a tire, and it started up just fine, soooo, I decided to mow. The weeds were getting tall already. The grass was fine.
After I mowed inside the fence I started working on the flower beds. They are in really bad shape. All the liner and mulch needs replacing. It will have to be done in stages, because I have to use my one trash container to get rid of the old material at one load per week.
I worked on that for about an hour and a half.
I was putting tools up and decided to sweep out my storage building, which turned into another hour and a half job of moving everything, sweeping, and reorganizing. Also not finished yet.
I was ready for some lunch then because it was about 2:30.
After eating, I did some exercising while doing a couple of load of laundry.
Then to top it all off, I took a little off the top, when I cut my hair.
Then I showered, shaved my legs, and painted my nails.
Then I stuck in a thumb, pulled out a plum, and said "What a good boy am I"
Thursday is going to be too warm to spend much time at the sod farm, and Friday is supposed to be back in the 60s, so that's when I plan on going back out there.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
acebook
witter
I hope you can go on Friday and have perfect weather. 
Good Morning Joe, Ana and everyone. Sorry you didn't get to go head hunting Joe, but you did accomplish a lot! Ana nice you got a new car! Coffee and tea are ready to celebrate! Happy day to you all! 
good morning everyone !
