There are only two lasting bequests that we can hope to give our children — roots and wings.
ANONYMOUS
````````````````
You ought to feel highly honored," said the businessman to the life insurance agent, "so far today I have had my secretary turn away seven insurance agents."
"Yes, I know," replied the agent, "I'm one of them."
``````````````
When Mr. Leno of the Tonight Show went J-walking and asked pedestrians some science questions, he discovered some amazing new facts about the universe:
Jay Leno: "Why does dew appear on plants in the morning when the Sun comes up?"
A waitress: "Is it because the Sun makes them perspire?"
Jay Leno: "Why does the Moon orbit the Earth?"
An auto mechanic: "To get to the other side?"
Jay Leno: What are magnets?"
A taxi driver: "Are they the things crawling over a week-old dead cat?"
Jay Leno: Which is more useful, the Sun or the Moon?"
A thirteen-year old: [Pause] "I think it's the Moon because the moon shines at night when you want the light, whereas the Sun shines during the day when you don't need it."
```````````````````
Funny jokes-Signs your girlfriend is going to dump you
Signs Your Girlfriend Is Going To Dump You...
-- Your visa card and your belt both hit their limit.
-- She's been wearing an engagement ring for three weeks, but you don't recall proposing to her.
-- She just started a college course that meets seven nights a week.
-- She says she has to tell you something... on Jerry Springer.
-- Whenever she introduces you it's always "I would like you to meet an old friend of mine..."
-- She leaves a message on your phone and identifies herself by both her first and last names.
-- Your other girlfriend told you so.
-- The dartboard behind your photo on her wall.
-- Her girlfriends look at you, tilt their heads, and say, "You haven't got a clue, do you?"
`````````````
Insulting in an Appreciating Manner "You're so smart, for an American."
"I'm amazed by the level of success readers have after following your advice."
"Your plastic surgeon has such a delightful sense of humor!"
"Relax, sweetie... you were perfectly adequate."
"You're more of a "street smart" kind of guy."
"You're not the kind of girl guys date; you're the kind of girl they marry."
"You're so evolved…for a man."
````````````````
A lawyer was well into a lengthy cross-examination of a witness, stopped and said: "I object, Your Honor! One of the jurors is asleep."
The Judge ruled: "You put him to sleep... You wake him up."
`````````````````
A woman was sure that her husband was cheating on her, and having an affair with the maid. So she laid down a trap.
One evening she suddenly sent the maid home for the weekend & didn't tell the husband.
That night when they went to bed, the husband gave the old story: Excuse me my dear, my stomach aches, & went to the bathroom.
The wife promptly went into the maid's bed. She switched the lights off. When he came in silently, he wasted no time or words but quickly got on top of her...
When he finished & was still panting, the wife said: You didn't expect to find me in this bed, did you? And then she switched on the light...
No madam, said the gardener…
`````````````````
A young woman was having a physical examination and was very embarrassed because of a weight problem. As she removed her last bit of clothing, she blushed. 'I am so ashamed, Doctor, she said. I guess I let myself go.
The physician was checking her eyes and ears. Don't feel ashamed, Miss. You don't look that bad.
Do you really think so, Doctor? she asked.
The doctor held a tongue depressor in front of her face and said,
Of course not.... Please open your mouth and say moo.
``````````````
Jacques Thibault, the violinist, was once handed an autograph book by a fan while in the greenroom after a concert.
"There's not much room on this page," he said. "What shall I write?"
Another violinist, standing by, offered the following helpful hint, "Write your repertoire."
``````````````
So you're a senior citizen and the government says no health care for you, what do you do? Our plan gives anyone 65 years or older a gun and 4 bullets. Your are allowed to shoot 2 senators and 2 representatives. Of Course, this means you will be sent to prison where you will get 3 meals a day, a roof over your head, and all the health care you need! New teeth, no problem. Need glasses, great. New hip, knees, kidney, lungs, heart? All covered. And who will be paying for all of this? The same government that just told you that you are too old for health care. Plus, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any income taxes any more.
```````````````
Eight year old Sally brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good, mostly A's and a couple of B's. However, her teacher had written across the bottom:
"Sally is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit."
Sally's dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back: "Please let me know if your idea works on Sally because I would like to try it out on her mother."
```````````````
The Top 25 Alabama Country Songs of All Time.....25. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye
24. Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure
23. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
22. I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling
21. I Bought A Car From A Guy Who Stole My Girl, But It Don't Run, So We're Even
20. I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You
19. I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well
18. I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Getting Better
17. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win
16. I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Lets Honeymoon Tonight
15. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like Having You Here
14. I've Got Tears In My Ears From Lyin' On My Back and Cryin' Over You
13. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You
12. I Haven't Gone To Bed With Any Ugly Women, But I've Sure Woken Up With a Few
11. Mama Get A Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head)
10. My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love You
9. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him.
8. Please Bypass This Heart
7. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger
6. You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat
5. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly
4. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me
3. She's Actin' Single and I'm Drinkin' Double
2. She's Looking Better After Every Beer
And the number 1 Alabama Country song of all time is
1. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now
````````````````````````
Good morning everyboomie.
Welcome to the weekend!
I hope Saturday is better than Friday, because Friday was great!
It was such a nice day. I went to Lowe's first thing in the morning and talked to the manager. We discussed start date, and duties, and pay.
Then I took the doggies to the park in town, before I went to Walmart for groceries.
Went back home, and had a bite to eat, and then went on line and did my Lowe's application, and assessment test. Boy I hope I passed it.
Then I took the girls and Beau to the park out here.
After that I came back home, made tuna fish, ate lunch, did my exercises, and got my shower.
Yep...........good day.
I hope you guys all have a super Saturday.
joe
acebook
witter
Good Morning Joe, Ana, Space and everyone. Coffee and tea are ready. 
