Whether you think you can or whether you think you can’t, you’re right.
Bob wanted to uplift his status in life but his boss was not giving him a raise for quite some time.
Exasperated, one day Bob went to his boss and said: “Now you have to give me a raise, otherwise there are three companies after me.
Boss (sarcastically): “Oh yes? Which are these companies if I am not being too pertinent?”
Bob: “Telephone company, Mortgage company and Electricity company.”
Bob got his desired raise.
Signs your Boss is Stupid
Schedules emergency visit to urologist after overhearing office gossip regarding "Peter principle" and "downsizing."
Answers every question with "yes," "no," or "reply hazy, try again later."
Finally traded in the company fleet of Ford Pintos -- for Ford Explorers.
You've just received permission to leave for your 4th fact- finding trip to learn about "Tolkien Ring Networks" this week.
Thinks that by monitoring your e-mail he.. is the best loved, nicest and by far the most brilliant boss to work for.
Believes that Britney really "is' a virgin.
You send him a memo saying that for Halloween, you're coming as The Invisible Man -- then you don't come in at all. The next day, he promotes you for your ingenuity.
He's attempting to sleep his way to the top, starting with the CEO's wife.
You receive yet "another" fruit basket after calling in the death of your fifth grandmother this year alone.
Bases the company's budget on the $1,000 each employee was going to receive for forwarding Bill Gates's e-mail.
Despite your constant reminders, the moron can't seem to stop counting at five.
Thinks that "downsizing" means ordering a small drink and fries with his burger.
Had the network customized so that he can print confidential documents directly to the shredder.
Took her a month to figure out that the desk lamp wasn't a "Clapper" like on the night stand at home.
No need to ask for a raise; just approach him repeatedly and ask him if he has two tens for a five.
Ever since he approved your "On-Site Telecommuter" idea, you get to go to the office wearing a robe, Superman underpants and bunny slippers.
During meetings, constantly turns to Jesus Gonzalez from Marketing and asks, "What would YOU do?"
A lazy manager of a firm in his forties was advised by his doctor to play some sport, preferably tennis for some exercise. So he took up tennis. A month later his secretary asked: “Well sir, how is it going?”
Manager: "I am doing fine. On the court when I see a ball coming to me at speed, my brain instantly reacts and says: ‘To the net or smash or take the corner’ like that. I don’t believe it. "
Secretary: “Then what happens?”
Manager: “Then my body reacts and says ‘Who? Me? You must be joking.”
Chairman Of The Board - Leaps tall buildings in a single bound. Is more powerful than a speeding locomotive; faster than a speeding bullet. Walks on water. Gives policy to God.
President - Leaps short buildings in a single bound. Is more powerful than a switch engine; just as fast as a speeding bullet. Walks on water when the water is calm. Talks with God.
Executive Vice-President - Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds. Is almost as powerful as a switch engine; not quite as fast as a speeding bullet. Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool. Talks to God if special request is granted.
Vice President - Barely clears a quonset hut. Loses tug of war with locomotive. Can fire a speeding bullet. Swims well. Is occasionally addressed by God.
General Manager - Makes high marks on the wall when trying to leap buildings. Is run over by a locomotive. Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury. Dog paddles. Talks to animals.
Manager - Runs into buildings. Recognizes locomotive two out of three times. Is not issued ammunition. Can't stay afloat with a life preserver. Talks to walls.
Trainee - Falls over doorsteps when trying to enter buildings. Says, "Look at the choo-choo." Wets self with a water pistol. Plays in mud puddles. Mumbles to self.
Secretary - Lifts buildings and walks under them. Kicks locomotives off the tracks. Catches speeding bullets in her teeth and eats them. Freezes water with single glance. She IS God.
I just want to say I think that's a sexist joke.
That COULD be a male secretary.
Short Management jokes
* The first myth of management is that it exists.
* Some people manage by the book, even though they don't know who wrote the book or even what book.
* Give all orders verbally. Never write anything down that might go into a "Pearl Harbor File".
* We are too busy mopping the floor to turn off the faucet.
* Management by objectives is no better than the objectives.
* "I've given you an unlimited budget, and you have already exceeded it!"
A man has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His camel dies of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. He is wearing a Senior Manager ID badge and a dull grey suit.
"Well" says the genie. "You know how it works. You have three wishes."
"I'm not falling for this." says the man. "I'm not going to trust a Senior Manager."
"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"
The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.
"OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink."
POOF The man finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
"OK, kid, what's your second wish."
"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."
POOF The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.
"OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"
After thinking for a few minutes, the man says: "I wish that no matter where I go beautiful women will want and need me."
POOF He is turned into a tampon.
The moral of the story?
If a Senior Manager offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached.
Good morning everyboomie.
I guess this is Monday for me. I'm working for three.
Happy Monday...........happy happy Monday.
Today was pert near perfect though. I took the dogs to the park in town, when I finally got up and around.
After that I came home and layed away the rest of the day.
Yeah yeah I know 'layed' is not a word. Spell check already spanked my hand.
We're expecting to have more storms tonight. I've lost my signal several times already tonight, and the radar is showing some nasty looking stuff coming our way.
I believe the seriously bad stuff will go around us.
I went out to the highway and put up detour signs earlier today.
Have a happy day everyone.