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#1110862 - 05/18/17 09:20 PM TGIF
gymcandy1 Online   happy
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 04/24/05
Posts: 31870
Loc: Calera, Oklahoma
HENRY FORD

Whether you think you can or whether you think you can’t, you’re right.

`````````````

Bob wanted to uplift his status in life but his boss was not giving him a raise for quite some time.

Exasperated, one day Bob went to his boss and said: “Now you have to give me a raise, otherwise there are three companies after me.

Boss (sarcastically): “Oh yes? Which are these companies if I am not being too pertinent?”

Bob: “Telephone company, Mortgage company and Electricity company.”

Bob got his desired raise.

``````````````````

Signs your Boss is Stupid

Schedules emergency visit to urologist after overhearing office gossip regarding "Peter principle" and "downsizing."

Answers every question with "yes," "no," or "reply hazy, try again later."

Finally traded in the company fleet of Ford Pintos -- for Ford Explorers.

You've just received permission to leave for your 4th fact- finding trip to learn about "Tolkien Ring Networks" this week.

Thinks that by monitoring your e-mail he.. is the best loved, nicest and by far the most brilliant boss to work for.

Believes that Britney really "is' a virgin.

You send him a memo saying that for Halloween, you're coming as The Invisible Man -- then you don't come in at all. The next day, he promotes you for your ingenuity.

He's attempting to sleep his way to the top, starting with the CEO's wife.

You receive yet "another" fruit basket after calling in the death of your fifth grandmother this year alone.

Bases the company's budget on the $1,000 each employee was going to receive for forwarding Bill Gates's e-mail.

Despite your constant reminders, the moron can't seem to stop counting at five.

Thinks that "downsizing" means ordering a small drink and fries with his burger.

Had the network customized so that he can print confidential documents directly to the shredder.

Took her a month to figure out that the desk lamp wasn't a "Clapper" like on the night stand at home.

No need to ask for a raise; just approach him repeatedly and ask him if he has two tens for a five.

Ever since he approved your "On-Site Telecommuter" idea, you get to go to the office wearing a robe, Superman underpants and bunny slippers.

During meetings, constantly turns to Jesus Gonzalez from Marketing and asks, "What would YOU do?"

```````````

A lazy manager of a firm in his forties was advised by his doctor to play some sport, preferably tennis for some exercise. So he took up tennis. A month later his secretary asked: “Well sir, how is it going?”

Manager: "I am doing fine. On the court when I see a ball coming to me at speed, my brain instantly reacts and says: ‘To the net or smash or take the corner’ like that. I don’t believe it. "

Secretary: “Then what happens?”

Manager: “Then my body reacts and says ‘Who? Me? You must be joking.”

````````````

Corporate Structure

Chairman Of The Board - Leaps tall buildings in a single bound. Is more powerful than a speeding locomotive; faster than a speeding bullet. Walks on water. Gives policy to God.

President - Leaps short buildings in a single bound. Is more powerful than a switch engine; just as fast as a speeding bullet. Walks on water when the water is calm. Talks with God.

Executive Vice-President - Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds. Is almost as powerful as a switch engine; not quite as fast as a speeding bullet. Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool. Talks to God if special request is granted.

Vice President - Barely clears a quonset hut. Loses tug of war with locomotive. Can fire a speeding bullet. Swims well. Is occasionally addressed by God.

General Manager - Makes high marks on the wall when trying to leap buildings. Is run over by a locomotive. Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury. Dog paddles. Talks to animals.

Manager - Runs into buildings. Recognizes locomotive two out of three times. Is not issued ammunition. Can't stay afloat with a life preserver. Talks to walls.

Trainee - Falls over doorsteps when trying to enter buildings. Says, "Look at the choo-choo." Wets self with a water pistol. Plays in mud puddles. Mumbles to self.

Secretary - Lifts buildings and walks under them. Kicks locomotives off the tracks. Catches speeding bullets in her teeth and eats them. Freezes water with single glance. She IS God.



I just want to say I think that's a sexist joke.

That COULD be a male secretary. taz

```````````````

Short Management jokes


* The first myth of management is that it exists.

* Some people manage by the book, even though they don't know who wrote the book or even what book.

* Give all orders verbally. Never write anything down that might go into a "Pearl Harbor File".

* We are too busy mopping the floor to turn off the faucet.

* Management by objectives is no better than the objectives.

* "I've given you an unlimited budget, and you have already exceeded it!"

```````````````

A man has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His camel dies of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. He is wearing a Senior Manager ID badge and a dull grey suit.

"Well" says the genie. "You know how it works. You have three wishes."

"I'm not falling for this." says the man. "I'm not going to trust a Senior Manager."

"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"

The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.

"OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink."

POOF The man finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

"OK, kid, what's your second wish."

"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."

POOF The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

"OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the man says: "I wish that no matter where I go beautiful women will want and need me."

POOF He is turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story?
If a Senior Manager offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached.

`````````````````

Good morning everyboomie. wave2


I guess this is Monday for me. I'm working for three. woot


Happy Monday...........happy happy Monday. rolleyes


Today was pert near perfect though. I took the dogs to the park in town, when I finally got up and around. lab


After that I came home and layed away the rest of the day. sleep


Yeah yeah I know 'layed' is not a word. Spell check already spanked my hand. taz


We're expecting to have more storms tonight. I've lost my signal several times already tonight, and the radar is showing some nasty looking stuff coming our way. eek


I believe the seriously bad stuff will go around us. thumbsup


I went out to the highway and put up detour signs earlier today. wink


Have a happy day everyone.


joe



Edited by gymcandy1 (05/18/17 09:21 PM)
_________________________
There are no strangers here; Only friends you haven’t yet met.

William Butler Yeats

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#1110865 - 05/18/17 10:52 PM Re: TGIF [Re: gymcandy1]
BrownEyedTigre Online   happy
The Sassy Administrator PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 01/04/04
Posts: 73804
Loc: In the Naughty Corner
JOe, I hope your work day goes quickly! WE had crazy storms last night, more rain coming. I hope you get enough to bring some points to the surface.

Have a happy day all! Still in the corner...
_________________________
Don't feed the Trolls

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#1110870 - 05/18/17 11:05 PM Re: TGIF [Re: gymcandy1]
venus Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 03/07/09
Posts: 7196
Loc: Arcadia (twin world of Stark)
Joe, I'll have to try that trick with the detour signs the next time a storm tries to come this way. lol Hope your work weekend zooms by!

Hope things are going well in the corner, Ana, and that you get some time off soon as well. smile

It's Thursday night here. I have to work tomorrow, but it's just for one of my jobs, and it's a short shift. Looks like I'll have the opportunity for some afternoon gaming. happydance

As for now, I'm off to sleep. Have a terrific Friday, everyone. spring
_________________________
Interrogator: [True or false?] All mangoes are golden. Nothing golden is cheap. Conclusion - all mangoes are cheap.

Helena: Where are these mangoes?

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#1110886 - 05/19/17 05:03 AM Re: TGIF [Re: gymcandy1]
Kaki's Sister Offline
True Blue Boomer

Registered: 11/21/04
Posts: 22133
Loc: Marlborough USA
spring Good Morning Joe, Ana and everyone. Coffee and tea are ready. It was a warm day here yesterday. Temp got up to a record breaking 96 degrees!
Enjoy your day! spring
_________________________
Gerry

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#1110899 - 05/19/17 07:19 AM Re: TGIF [Re: gymcandy1]
connie Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 07/12/02
Posts: 9864
Loc: winter springs fl.
Good morning everyone, have a Super TGIF. Dinner, Dancing, and Karaoke tonight at the VFW. Danish, Eggs, Grits, Hash Browns, BB Pancakes, and French Toast in the NC. spring
_________________________
Connie

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#1110908 - 05/19/17 08:13 AM Re: TGIF [Re: gymcandy1]
GBC Offline
Graduate Boomer

Registered: 07/06/07
Posts: 17948
Loc: Massachusetts
Good Morning Boomers kitty

Joe, crazy storms going on everywhere.

Ana, had a really bad rain, lightning, thunder storm last night also. Broke a record heat in the 90's yesterday.

Venus, happy work day!

Gerry, coffee please and thank you.

Connie, enjoy the VFW tonight.

Cooler here than yesterday. Going to be a nice day! Wishing everyone a super good one! dragon
_________________________
Gail

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#1110925 - 05/19/17 11:17 AM Re: TGIF [Re: gymcandy1]
looney4labs Offline
Moderator
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 04/05/04
Posts: 47092
Loc: Alabama
Fantastic Friday ya'll puppy

Summer is in full swing here. Hot! Hot! Hot!

Boys will be here in a bit and hubby will be home tonight. Hope everyone has a fantastic day wavegirl
_________________________
"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole."
-Roger Caras

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#1110926 - 05/19/17 11:32 AM Re: TGIF [Re: gymcandy1]
Sorta Blonde Online   content
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 11/29/04
Posts: 9288
Loc: San Diego, CA
I love the DETOUR sign ploy, Joe! I wonder if it will work for other awful events like hot weather, unwanted guests, vandals and thieves??? haha
_________________________
WARNING! This person is extremely blonde...please type SLOWLY.

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#1110928 - 05/19/17 11:53 AM Re: TGIF [Re: gymcandy1]
niteowl07 Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 11/06/05
Posts: 8980
Loc: the dusty desert
good morning !

joe , i think someone put a rain detour sign up for us ! lol

happy hunting !

ana and venus - hope your work goes fast !

gerry and connie - thanks for coffee and breakfast !

gail , l4l and sorta - have a wonderful one !

another cool one here - no sign of warmer weather sticking around

yet - had heat on yesterday for awhile crazy

laundry again today - i think melodee pulls stuff out while i'm

sleeping ,otherwise where does it all come from ? lol


have a fantastic day , all !

catrub wave2


Edited by niteowl07 (05/19/17 11:54 AM)

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#1110933 - 05/19/17 12:26 PM Re: TGIF [Re: gymcandy1]
looney4labs Offline
Moderator
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 04/05/04
Posts: 47092
Loc: Alabama
Niteowl, I know Lil Soot pulls laundry out, and he doesn't wait til we are sleeping. Cheeky lil fella. Have a great day.
_________________________
"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole."
-Roger Caras

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#1110934 - 05/19/17 12:35 PM Re: TGIF [Re: gymcandy1]
niteowl07 Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 11/06/05
Posts: 8980
Loc: the dusty desert
rotfl does he put it in the laundry basket ?

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#1110942 - 05/19/17 03:38 PM Re: TGIF [Re: gymcandy1]
looney4labs Offline
Moderator
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 04/05/04
Posts: 47092
Loc: Alabama
No, I wish. He pulls it out and drops it on the floor until he finds the piece he wants. Then he takes that piece to his spot and rolls all over delightedly.
_________________________
"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole."
-Roger Caras

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#1110944 - 05/19/17 03:49 PM Re: TGIF [Re: looney4labs]
Space Quest Fan Offline
Graduate Boomer

Registered: 02/17/01
Posts: 15299
Loc: Upper Arlington, Ohio
lol haha
_________________________
It's nice to be important but it is much more important to be nice.

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#1110973 - 05/19/17 10:12 PM Re: TGIF [Re: gymcandy1]
soot Online   happy
Puzzled Moderator
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 04/16/05
Posts: 26415
Loc: Usually up an Alabama Tree
Hey Ho Joe .. Whay ya know?
TEE GEE EYE EFF Joe Ana Connie Gerry Gail SQF NiteOwl L4L SortaB and Venus
The weekend is here
I have returned home from a short business trip
All is good
So take the evening as you may
For
Tomorrow is another day

wave
_________________________
To learn, read...To know, write...To master, teach...To live, play games & listen to whale music

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#1110981 - 05/19/17 11:35 PM Re: TGIF [Re: gymcandy1]
venus Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 03/07/09
Posts: 7196
Loc: Arcadia (twin world of Stark)
Good night, everyone. sleep
_________________________
Interrogator: [True or false?] All mangoes are golden. Nothing golden is cheap. Conclusion - all mangoes are cheap.

Helena: Where are these mangoes?

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