WILLIAM HAZLITT
Prosperity is a great teacher; adversity a greater.
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Jan 30 - Day 68 of my confinement
These humans enjoy irritating me with strange little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from clawing the furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another house plant.
Today my attempt to kill the humans by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded. Maybe I should try this at the top of the stairs.
In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile tormentors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair. I must try this on their bed.
Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little kitty cat I was. This is not working according to plan.
There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary confinement throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More important, I overheard that my confinement was due to my powers of inducing something called "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit.
The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant. He speaks with them regularly, and I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured. But I can wait.
It's only a matter of time.
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Lawrence noticed this board on the gate of a house. “Talking dog for sale”
Intrigued, he knocked the door to inquire. The owner took Lawrence to the back of the house where a dog was casually sitting on the ground and left them alone.
Lawrence: “Is it true?”
Dog: “Sure.”
Lawrence: “So what’s behind all this? And why does he want to sell you?”
Dog: “I was born with this gift. My previous owner sold me to CBI and I helped them uncover biggest secrets because they let me loose on the job and nobody suspected that a dog could eves drop. But they made me travel a lot. So I left them and got myself employed with a minister who did not know my virtue. I discovered many scandals by this minister and informed the government. They gave me many awards for my services. I have aged now and finally I am leading a peaceful life with my family.”
Lawrence went back to the owner and asked the price. The owner said twelve dollars.
Lawrence paid the price without hesitation and asked: “This is a marvelous dog with amazing talent. Why do you want to get rid of him?”
Owner: "Because he talks, but he never tells the truth.”
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There was mother unicorn and she had 3 baby unicorns. The first baby unicorn came and said "Mommy, why did you name me Daisy?"
The mother replied "Because the day you were born, a daisy fell right on your forehead."
She said "Ah that's sweet."
She kissed her on the cheek and left. The next baby unicorn comes in and she said "Mommy, why did you name Rose?"
The mother replied "Because the day you were born, a rose fell right on your forehead."
She said "Ah thats sweet." She kissed her on the forehead and walked away.
Then the third baby unicorn comes in and she was like "DERREDUBUDUBJEHDK" and the mom said, "Hush now Oak Tree and eat your dinner!"
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The French will eat almost anything. A young cook, Jean Luc, decided that the French would enjoy feasting on rabbits and decided to raise rabbits in Paris and sell them to the finer restaurants in the city.
Jean Luc searched all over Paris seeking a suitable place to raise his rabbits. None could be found.
Finally, an old priest, Father Pierre, at the cathedral said he could have a small area behind the rectory for his rabbits. Jean Luc successfully raised a number of them, and when he went about Paris selling them.
One restaurant owner asked him where he got such fresh rabbits. Jean Luc replied with a smile, 'I raise them myself, near the cathedral. In fact, I have ... a hutch back of Notre Dame.'
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George said to Fred, 'I put $20 on a horse last week and he came in at twenty five to one.',
'Wow! you must be loaded', said Fred.
'Not really' said George, 'the rest of the field came in at twelve thirty.'
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Three animals were having a drink in a cafe, when the owner asked for the money.
"I'm not paying," said the duck. "I've only got one bill and I'm not breaking it."
"I've spent my last buck," said the deer.
"Then the duck'll have to pay," said the skunk.
"Getting here cost me my last scent."
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Good morning everyboomie.
Welcome to the weekend, and my Saturday starts at 4:00am. Work at 6:00am.
I honestly don't know if I'll make it through the whole day. When I got home today, I could barely walk on my right foot. My foot and ankle were throbbing when I got home.
I may have to dial it back to 6 hour days if this keeps up.
On the other front, the detour worked. We did not get one drop of rain all night. It wemt North of us, and right on by.
The same thing happened this morning. More storms passed just to our North, barely missing us.
The same thing is happening tonight. They're all West of us and moving Northeast.
I didn't want any rain anyway. All it does is make everything wet.
Have a happy everyone.
joe