ALFRED LORD TENNYSON
He makes no friend who never made a foe.
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Dean and Martin were sitting in a bar nursing their respective poisons. Dean appeared to be depressed. Martin asked the reason.
Dean said, “Sometimes I really don’t understand how my wife and I ended up getting married.”
Martin said, “Huh, what’s bothering you?”
Dean went on, “My wife swore to God she would never marry me when I was drunk and I would never even dream of marrying her when I was sober.”
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Lawyer: “You were there when the accident occurred?”
Witness: “Yes sir, I was there.”
Lawyer: “Would you mind telling the judge which vehicles were involved in the mishap?”
Witness: “Both were state buses.”
Lawyer: “How did the accident happen?”
Witness: “They were coming from the opposite directions and crashed into each other head on.”
Lawyer: “Did you notice which bus crashed into which bus first?”
Witness: “They crashed into each other at the same time.”
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Tom was an owner of an oil conglomerate who had married a pretty young thing fifteen years younger to him.
One day, Tom barged into his lawyer’s office and demanded, “I want a divorce!"
The Lawyer asked, “On what grounds?”
Tom replied, "I want to charge her with breach of contract.”
The Lawyer said, “What contract? Your spouse is not your property. She is your wedded wife but you don’t own her.”
Tom said, “Well then, I want sole and exclusive rights to drill.”
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Dean was dealing in furniture, especially antique furniture. And to acquire old pieces of furniture, he had to travel regularly to other cities.
On one such visit, after the day’s work, he was sitting in a bar nursing a drink, when a cute girl, probably French, walked in. The bar was crowded but there was a vacant seat next to Dean. The girl walked over and occupied the chair.
Out of common courtesy, Dean offered her a drink but she did not understand English. So Dean took a paper napkin and made a rough sketch of glass with whisky and looked at the girl lifting his eye brows questioningly. She immediately understood and nodded her consent. After a couple of rounds of drinks, Dean took another napkin and drew a picture of a man and a woman dancing and she immediately got up to dance. They had a few more drinks after that and of course, dinner.
The girl, now happy and more than satisfied, took a napkin and drew a picture of a big double bed. To this day Dean has not been able to understand how she knew he was in the furniture business.
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Sam called his wife and said to her in a weak voice, "Hey baby, I was driving to a coffee shop to meet Mary when all of a sudden, a stray dog came in the way. I tried to steer left to avoid running it down, but the car skidded due to high speed, rolled over and almost ran off the cliff. The car was hanging nose down over the cliff, as I looked down fearing impending death. I just managed to climb out of the car and save my life, just before the car fell over the cliff crashing thousands of feet below and was blown into smithereens."
Sam continued, "I was taken to a hospital. I have a broken leg, broken jaw, dislocated shoulder and several injuries on my head."
There was silence on the phone, then the wife asked, "Who is Mary?"
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Desmond, known to be notorious, is having a drink at his favourite watering hole.
Having had a drink too many, he feels the need to go to the urinal. Fearing that someone in the cheap joint will drink his rum, he puts a label on his glass, marked "I licked the glass and spat in it. DO NOT TOUCH!"
When he returns from the urinal, there is another label on his glass marked "ME TOO!"
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Renita goes to see Dr. Mulbury in a state of despair.
"Doctor", says Renita, "There is something terribly wrong with me. I think I am turning into a dog!"
Dr. Mulbury, pretty shocked to hear such a statement, responds, "My dear, I am sure you are suffering from some ailment, but be assured, you cannot turn into a dog."
Renita, far from being assured, goes on, "Look at my teeth, Dr. Mulbury. They are beginning to look like a canine's teeth!"
Dr. Mulbury said, "I can see that. Your teeth do look sharp but that does not mean you are turning into a dog."
Renita, not ready to be dismissed so easily, continues, "Look at all the hair I am getting on my hands and legs!"
Dr. Mulbury, now concerned, replies,"There certainly is some disorder, but you are not turning into a dog."
Renita says, "Look at my tongue, it was never this long!!"
Dr. Mulbury takes a look and says, "Yes, it appears to be long."
Renita adds,"Look at my nails, doc. Have you seen a woman with nails this long and sharp?'
Dr. Mulbury is worried now, and manages to mumble, "Hmm..."
Renita, now going wild, lifts her skirt and says, "I am even developing a tail!"
Dr. Mulbury, visibly shaken, starts scribbling something on a piece of paper.
Renita says, "Are you writing me a prescription? I just hope it helps. I am going crazy!"
Dr. Mulbury says, "Not really. I am writing you a referral for a specialist. It's my uncle Dr Stephen Loyd doctor of veterinary medicine!"
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Balbir, the village drunkard, asked his friend Suresh if it was okay to drink alcohol while praying.
Suresh, noticing the temple priest pass by, asked Balbir to pose this question to the priest.
Balbir, a little inebriated, staggered to the temple priest and asked, "Oh Holy man, is it okay for me to drink while I pray?"
The priest, enraged by such a question, replied angrily, "Certainly not!! How could you be so discourteous to your religion?"
Balbir went to Suresh and told him what the priest replied to him.
Suresh said to him, "Your question was not right. Let me give it a try."
Suresh went up to the temple priest and said, "Sire, do you think it is right to pray while I drink?"
The priest smiled and said, "Oh certainly, my good fellow. Sure you can".
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Good morning everyboomie.
Mondays always look better looking at them from the Tuesday side, don't you think?
Mine looks so good I'd like to go back and do again a few times.
I have to admit rain and cooler weather looks good to me coming or going.
Today I'm taking Baby back to the vet. I gave her a course of medications for tick fever, and she's a little better now, but it's very little after 3 weeks of meds.
I hope everyone has a fantastic Tuesday.
joe
acebook
witter
in the corner today, Ana. Hope everything goes well!
Good Morning Joe, Ana, venus and everyone. Good Luck at the vet Joe. Ana Don't work to hard. Venus hope your day is stress free. Coffee and tea are ready. 
good morning all !
