HENRY FORD
Don’t find fault. Find remedy. Anyone can complain.
``````````
Monsieur Pierre was staying in a hotel in Mexico.
He called room service and said, "I need pepper."
The attendant asked, "Black pepper, or chilli pepper?"
Monsieur Pierre yelled, "Toilette pepper!"
``````````````
Jerry, the test pilot in the Air Force, climbs out of the experimental plane, all bruised and battered. The wings and tail of the plane are torn off in the crash landing. The rescue team arrives, and one of the rescuers, seeing Jerry in a bad mess, asks him,"What happened?"
Jerry, looking very pale, replies, "I don't know, I just got here myself!"
`````````````
Jack and Harold, both in their seventies and both bachelors, were sipping cappuccino in a coffee shop.
Jack said, “Harold, I know it's a little late in my life, but I feel I should get married. What do you say?”
Harold replied, "Sure, why not? Any age is a good age. I think you should go ahead.”
Jack continues, “But I am in two minds, whether to marry a spinster or a widow.”
Harold, “I suggest you marry a spinster. She will become a widow in no time anyway.”
`````````````
"If the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal
"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." - U.S. Air Force Manual
"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons." - General MacArthur
"You, you, and you.... Panic. The rest of you, come with me." - U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.
"Tracers work both ways." - U.S. Army Ordnance
"Five second fuses only last three seconds." - Infantry Journal
"Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once."
`````````````
Jim and Clara had invited an old friend to their home for dinner.
When dessert was served to the guest, Clara apologized for not having any cheese to go with the apple pie.
Hearing this, their little son, Jack slipped down from his chair and disappeared, then returned in a minute with a small piece of cheese. He shyly placed on the guest’s plate.
“Thank you, young man,” said the guest as he popped the cheese in his mouth, “That must be the last piece you found. Where did you find it?”
Flushing with pride, little Jack answered, "Oh it was in the mousetrap."
````````````````
Leo, a patient in a mental hospital was being interviewed by a reviewing committee to determine whether he could be released.
Leo was asked what he would do if they let him go. He answered, "I plan to make a slingshot, come back here and break every [blip] window in this place."
He was not allowed to go.
A few months later, the committee was again considering Leo's release and again he was asked the same question. There was no change in his reply "I plan to make a slingshot, come back here and break every [blip] window in this place."
Again, Leo was sent back to his confinement.
Leo happened to talk to another patient and told him his story. The other patient gave him a piece of advise. He said, "If you continue to give the same answer, you'll never get released. You need to tell them what they want to hear." With that, the other patient whispered something into Leo's ears.
Leo was now ready to be reviewed again.
So, in the third review meeting, Leo was asked again what he would do if he was allowed to go.
Leo was prepared this time. He said, "The first thing I'm going to do is find myself a job and a decent house to live" he said.
"Very good," a committee member commented. "and then what?"
"I want to meet a nice girl and start dating her." he replied.
The committee felt that Leo was making good progress. "And then what?" they asked.
"Well, when we have some privacy, I would like to make passionate love to my girlfriend. I will take her dress off, remove her bra, then gently slide her panties off her legs."
Now the committees were really getting excited. "Then what are you going to do?" they asked.
"Then," he replied, "I'm going to take the elastic out of those panties, make myself a slingshot, come back here and break every [blip] window in this place!"
```````````
You may not want to buy a used sofa when you make any of the following observations:
1. There's a large red tag on it marked "Evidence".
2. The cushions begin crawling away.
3. The fabric on the back has been repaired with a "Rebel And Proud" bumper sticker.
4. The owner asks you to sign a waiver.
5. What you thought was powdered sugar from a doughnut appears to be moving.
6. It appears to have reached its present location by being dragged several miles on its side.
7. The owner appears to be scratching himself rather frequently.
8. The owner seems reluctant to actually sit on or touch it himself.
9. A tag on the back says "Property of Blessed Hope Mission".
10. It has its own nickname.
11. More than a dozen people know its nickname.
12. More than a hundred people know its nickname from a story in the local paper.
13. Someone appears to have constructed a drink holder on the armrest with a hacksaw, a torch, and a glue-gun.
14. There are mushrooms growing on the back.
15. It seems to generate its own heat.
16. Stuffing is protruding from bullet holes.
17. There appears to be more duct tape than vinyl on the cushions.
18. It growls when you sit on it.
19. It has a faint smell of ammonia.
20. Integral parts of its structure have been replaced with a garden hoe, a flasher barricade, and the drop gate from a railroad crossing.
21. The bottom is covered with asphalt and/or straw.
22. There's a coin slot on the armrest.
23. There are labels in various spots that say "No Step".
24. The owner occasionally pauses to pick things off of it and taste them.
25. It appears to have been spray-painted its present color.
26. You hear scampering noises inside.
27. The owner offers to throw in a free:
+ can of Lysol
+ can of Raid
+ flyswatter
+ flea collar
+ ant trap
+ vial of penicillin
28. Under the cushions you find:
+ half a bottle of ketchup
+ empty shotgun shells
+ an entire squirrel skeleton
+ Jimmy Hoffa's wallet
+ a glass eye
+ ticket stubs from the 1939 World's Fair
+ used prophylactics
+ the muffler from a '72 Dodge
````````````
Good morning everyboomie.
I hope everyone has had a real nice day. It was nice here all day. So nice I wish I had gone head hunting today.
These nice days sneak up on me, like 65 years did.
I did take the dogs to the park this morning, and then to Walmart.
After I got back home, I didn't do much with the rest of my day.
Tuesday should be so nice.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
acebook
witter
Good Morning Joe, Ana and everyone. Joe enjoy your day. Ana don't work to hard! Coffee and tea are ready. 
When they got back from the docs, she let the dogs into the back yard. Went to let them back in the house and found an Empty Back Yard. Apparently someone had taken the padlock off her gate and the dogs had gone visiting. She found them, but not before she had a minor (or perhaps major) heart attack. 
How wonderful that Leo is growing quickly! 
I'd have a heart attack too if my dogs disappeared! 
Have a happy day!
