One of my favorites
Will Rogers
Never let yesterday use up too much of today.
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While serving jury duty,
I noticed that the defense attorney seemed a bit nervous. At one
point, he picked up a piece of
evidence and asked his client, who was on the witness stand, “I see
an acronym on this receipt. What
would CAR stand for?”
The defendant replied, “Car.”
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The note left on the office refrigerator was addressed to “The culprit who ate what you thought were two peanut butter ice cream bars.”
We’ll skip over the details and
go straight to the signature:
“Love, Constipated-Dog Owner.”
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Scene: Our break room. Coworker #1 pulls out a bottle of vitamins.
Coworker #2: What’s that?
Coworker #1: Vitamin D.
Coworker #2: Why do you take that?
Coworker #1: Because we live in Ohio, and we never see the sun.
Coworker #2: Wait a minute … they make a vitamin that gives you a tan?
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The bean soup I’d ordered was mostly water. I decided to tell the waitress.
“This soup is awful,” I said.
“I know,” she said. “I don’t like bean soup either.”
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To get my cousin to write to
her even once, my aunt resorted to
sending him a check with this note: “Do not cash until you write me a thank-you.” A few weeks later, the check had cleared, yet no message had arrived. So she called him.
“I told you not to cash the check until you’d written to thank me,” she complained.
“I didn’t cash the check,” he said. “I deposited it.”
`````````
I recently stumbled upon
my favorite new sports team. It’s
a woman’s bowling squad called
I Can’t Believe It’s Not Gutter.
``````````
The barbershop was crowded,
so the woman at the cash register
offered to put my name on the
waiting list. “What is it?” she asked.
“Stephen, with a P-H,” I said.
Minutes later, a chair opened up, and my name was called: “Pheven?”
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Working for a news organization is a tough job, as these world-weary tweets suggest:
• News reporter: “The computer erased all the apostrophes in my story. Apparently I’m too possessive.”
• Copy editor, as group of Cub Scouts gets a tour: “There it is, ‘Scared Straight: Newsroom Edition.’”
• Producer: “Free food in the
newsroom is like oxygen masks on an airplane. You get yours first, then
you inform others.”
````````````
The flight attendant on our trip was handing out plastic pilot wings to some kids. As I stepped
forward, she jokingly offered me one, but I passed. Pointing to the Airborne wings on my Army uniform, I
explained, “The last time someone
gave me wings, I had to jump
out of the airplane.”
`````````````
Today, my 808 area code phone number has yet again been mistaken for a 1-800 number. I’ve been getting phone calls at three in the morning from people on the East Coast trying to return their shoes. Even worse, they end up wanting to speak to my supervisor because I “don’t sound professional enough.”
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“So what’s that brush for?” the new hire asked.
“It’s used to clean toilet bowls in the lobby,” said the first manager.
“Actually, it’s for scrubbing deep fryers,” said the second manager.
“Well, I’ve been cleaning toilets with it,” said the first manager.
“Um, I’m putting in for a new brush,” said the second manager.
`````````````
I bragged to my boss that I didn’t need painkillers after a major surgery. His response: “This time, your evil superpowers came in handy.”
````````````
I discovered that I’d spent an hour walking around a mall with a shoe store’s “Feel the Comfort” sticker stuck to my body. More humiliating? It was attached to my left breast.
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We were reading The Wisdom of King Solomon in my Sunday school class. An illustration showed King Solomon ordering a child to be cut in half, as one woman sobbed and another watched uncaringly.
Pointing to the heartless woman, a young boy said, “I hope she ends up with the part that has the butt on it.”
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Good morning everyboomie.
Thank you all for the prayers and thoughts for Baby. Much appreciated.
I hope you're all ready for a great Friday.
We're going to have another day in the mid 90s, but it's supposed to feel like 111 degrees.
My only plans are to go to Walmart for Groceries again.
I wanted to go today, but after I mowed 2 lawns, I was soaking wet, and exhausted.
I rented Fantastic Beast, and watched it all afternoon.
Oh yeah. Lowe's called me today and cut me loose. I pretty much expected it because this is when they always cut the seasonal help. No worries for me, except a little cabin fever on these hot days when I don't want to get out and do anything.
Watching The Mist right now.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
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Good Morning Joe, Ana and all. Joe stay cool! Ana have fun with James. How old is he now? Coffee and tea are ready.
