At first [blip]-crow the ghosts must go
Back to their quiet graves below.
A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 in the morning. Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed.
Just then, his wife sleepily sat up and said, "Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache."
"Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the dark room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.
As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the druggist, "I know you - aren't you a policeman? Officer Fenwick, right?"
"Yeah, so?" said the officer.
"Well what the heck are you doing all dressed like the Fire Chief?"
A husband is at home watching a football game when his Wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now."
He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so."
"Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close properly."
To which he replies, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have a Westinghouse logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so."
"Fine," she says, "Then, would you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're a mess and a real hazard."
"I'm not a [blip] carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps," he says. "Does it look like I have a Black and Decker logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so." He continued, "In fact, I've had enough of all your Bickering. I'm going to the bar!"
So, the pleasant husband goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours. Sometime later, he starts to feel guilty about his treatment of his wife, so he decides to return home and help out with the chores.
As he walks into the house, he notices the steps have been repaired. Then, as he enters the house, he notices the hall light is working again. And, to top it off, when he goes to get a beer from the fridge, he notices the fridge door has been fixed.
"Honey, how'd this all get fixed?"
His wife replies, "Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then, a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either have sex with him or bake him a cake."
"So, what kind of cake did you bake him?" asks the husband.
"Hellooooooo!" she replies emphatically, "Do you see a Betty Crocker logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so!"
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."
The old man says without hesitation - "I now pronounce you man and wife."
A guy goes to the pharmacist and says, "Listen, these two girls are coming over this weekend, and they are hot, very hot. Would you have something to get me going all night? It's going to be a hell of a party."
The pharmacist goes in the back room, comes back with an old dusty bottle and says, "This stuff is potent: drink only one ounce of it, and I guarantee that you will be doing the wild thing all night. Let me know how it goes."
The weekend goes by and on Monday morning, the pharmacist goes to work and finds the same guy waiting for him on the door-step. The pharmacist says, "What are you doing here so early? How was your weekend?" The guy replies, "Quick, I need Blue Ice" (muscle pain relief).
The pharmacist, knowing what the guy had been doing all weekend, says, "Are you crazy, you can't put that down there. The skin is way too sensitive."
The guy says, "No, no, It's not for that, it's for my arm."
Pharmacist: "What?? What happened?"
Guy replies, "Well...I drank the whole bottle of your potion."
Pharmacist: "Oh my god, and then what ? "
"The girls never showed up!"
There was an Englishman,an Irishman and Scotishman siting on the edge of a cliff having a picnic.The Scottish man
says "Oh god I've got ham in my sarndwiches again, if I get ham tomorrow I'll jump off this cliff".
So the Englishman looks in his sandwiches and says "Oh I've got beef in my sandwiches again, if I get beef again I'll jump with ya Scottish man."
So the Irishman looks in his sandwiches and says "Oh I've got bloody tuna in my sandwiches again,if I get tuna again I'll join you two guys".
So the next day they all meet at the cliff and check their sandwiches."Oh no," says the Scottish man," I've got ham!". So he jumps off the cliff.
"Oh bugger,"says the Englishman, "I've got beef again!". So he jumps off the cliff.
The Irishman looks in his sandwiches and says "Bollocks! I've got tuna again!". So he jumps off too.
At the funeral the wifes meet up crying. The English wife says" I only made him beef because I thought he liked it".
And the Scottish wife says "Same here only made ham because I thought he liked it".
Then the Irish wife says "Its not my fault, he made his own sandwiches!".
"Mr. Johns, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $275 a week."
"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."
A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"
"You'll know tonight." he said.
That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife.
Delighted, she opened it-only to find a book entitled "Interpreting Your Dreams".
Good morning everyboomie.
Happy sunshiny Sunday.
It's NFL Day of course, so I know what I'll be doing for a big part of my day.
This morning when I woke up, I looked at the clock, and it said 8:00, but it was still very dark in my room. I thought it must be very overcast outside. I tried going back to sleep but I know that Pepper would start chirping at any moment, so I got up at 8:15. I came in the living room and looked at the clock and IT says it's 7:15.
It's like my bedroom clock already sprung ahead an hour, and it's not even Spring.
My smart clock can't tell time.
Have a happy day everyone.