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#1130492 - 11/02/17 08:06 PM TGIF
gymcandy1 Offline
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 04/24/05
Posts: 32412
Loc: Calera, Oklahoma
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?

Answer: I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever.

- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss Universe contest


On the first day God created the cow...
God said, "you must go to field with the farmer all day long
and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support
the farmer...for that I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "that's kind of a tough life, you want me to live
for sixty years...let me have twenty years and I'll give back
the other forty" and God agreed.

On the second day, God created the dog...
God said, "sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone
who comes in or walks past...I'll give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said, "that's too long to be barking...
give me ten years and I'll give back the other ten." So God agreed.

On the third day God created the monkey...
God said, entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh...
I'll give you a twenty year life span."
the monkey said, "how boring, monkey tricks for twenty years?
I don't think gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too."
And God agreed again.

Now on the fourth day, God created man...
God said, "Eat, sleep, play, have sex, nothing,
just enjoy, enjoy... I'll give you twenty years."
Man said, "what...only twenty years? no way man, tell you what,
I'll take my twenty...the forty cow gave back...
the ten dog gave back and the ten monkey gave back...
that makes eighty, okay?" "Okay," said God... "you've got a deal!"

So this is why for...
the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy, and do nothing...
the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family...
the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren...
the last ten years we sit in front of the house and bark at everybody...

life has now been explained.


Golfer: "I've played so poorly all day; I think I'm going to go drown myself in that lake."
Caddy: "I doubt you could keep your head down that long."

Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to be able to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven. You've already moved most of the earth."

Golfer: "Well, I have never played this badly before!
Caddy: "I didn't realize you had played before, sir."

Golfer: "Caddy, do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Oh yes, sir! You miss the ball much closer than you used to."

Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time, caddy. It's distracting!"
Caddy: "This isn't a watch, sir, its a compass!"

Golfer: "Caddy, do you think it is a sin to play golf on Sunday?"
Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin any day of the week!"

Golfer: "This golf is a funny game."
Caddy: "It's not supposed to be."

Golfer: "That can't be my ball, caddy. It looks far too old."
Caddy: "It's a long time since we started, sir."

Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5-iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."

Golfer (screaming): "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world!"
Caddy: "I doubt it. That would be too much of a coincidence!"


The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog.

The weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"

The French woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?"

The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog.

Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired."

The French woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"

The soldier didn't say another word. He leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.

The woman shrieked and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.

An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You're bad at holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong b---h out of the window."


Peter decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Peter's station wagon and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm house and asked the attractive lady of the house if they could spend the night.

"I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Not to worry," Peter said, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn."

Nine months later, Peter got a letter from the widow's attorney. He then went up to visit his friend Bob and said, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow at the farm we stayed at?"

"Yes, I do."

"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and have sex with her?"

"Yes, I have to admit that I did."

"Did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, I'm afraid I did."

"Well, thanks! She just died and left me everything!"


The Perfect Employee?

1 Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
2 hard at work at his desk. He works independently, without
3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and always
5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7 breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
10 classed as an asset employee, the type which cannot be
11 dispensed with. Consequently, I recommend that Bob be
12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
13 executed as soon as possible.


That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines.


Good morning everyboomie. yay

IT'S FRIDAY! Boldly said. razz

In this first week of November, here are our forecast temperatures for the next 5 days, 76, 84, 86, 85, & 75 degrees. smile

It was 87 today, and I had to turn my AC back on. razz

Someone said we're going to have a mild Winter, but at this rate we may not have Winter at all. rolleyes

It's a very sad day in the NFL, and especially Houston. Just when the Texans thought they had finally found the answer to their quarterback problems, their star quarterback, Deshaun Watson tore his ACL in practice, and is out for the season. sad

This kid was breaking records weekly in his rookie season. smirk

The Cowboys have lost Ezekial Elliot for 6 games. rolleyes


Have a happy day everyone. woot


Edited by gymcandy1 (11/02/17 08:10 PM)
There are no strangers here; Only friends you haven’t yet met.

William Butler Yeats

#1130498 - 11/02/17 10:26 PM Re: TGIF [Re: gymcandy1]
Happy Birthday BrownEyedTigre Online   happy
The Sassy Administrator PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 01/04/04
Posts: 76345
Loc: In the Naughty Corner
Sorry to hear of your Cowboys current state. I hope they can work around it. I am so jealous of your temps, Joe! I walked in chilly light rain all day yesterday. I could use some sunshine and warmth!

Have a happy day all! I am going to have James until Sunday, I miss him!

Ana wave
Don't feed the Trolls

#1130502 - 11/02/17 10:42 PM Re: TGIF [Re: BrownEyedTigre]
gymcandy1 Offline
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 04/24/05
Posts: 32412
Loc: Calera, Oklahoma
Thanks Ana, I'm pretty sure they're going to lose the majority of their remaining games. Just have to look to next year now. wink

joe wave
There are no strangers here; Only friends you haven’t yet met.

William Butler Yeats

#1130503 - 11/02/17 10:51 PM Re: TGIF [Re: gymcandy1]
Happy Birthday BrownEyedTigre Online   happy
The Sassy Administrator PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 01/04/04
Posts: 76345
Loc: In the Naughty Corner
They will still win if they play against the Bears! lol
Don't feed the Trolls

#1130512 - 11/03/17 04:27 AM Re: TGIF [Re: gymcandy1]
Kaki's Sister Offline
True Blue Boomer

Registered: 11/21/04
Posts: 23258
Loc: Marlborough USA
fall Good morning Joe, Ana and everyone. Too bad for the Cowboys Joe. Ana how are you feeling today? I finished the game Odyssey yesterday. I enjoyed it. Coffee, tea, and hot chocolate are ready for you all.
Wishing everyone a great day! fall

#1130520 - 11/03/17 05:57 AM Re: TGIF [Re: gymcandy1]
MsMercury Offline
Adept Boomer

Registered: 02/08/06
Posts: 12110
Loc: Scotland
Hi Boomers, just stopping by to wish you all a lovely day!

Got a few errands to run today so better get to it! I'll have coffee to go Gerry, thank you!

Take care guys!

Mary hearts wavegirl
"It's not what you have in your life
but who you have in your life that counts." puppy

I'm not getting old....just 'Marvelously Mature'! grin

#1130524 - 11/03/17 06:49 AM Re: TGIF [Re: gymcandy1]
connie Online   content
Adept Boomer

Registered: 07/12/02
Posts: 10551
Loc: winter springs fl.
Good morning everyone, have a Super TGIF. Dinner, Dancing, and Karaoke, tonight at the VFW. Danish, Eggs, Grits, Hash Browns, BB Pancakes, and French Toast in the NC. fall

#1130530 - 11/03/17 07:56 AM Re: TGIF [Re: gymcandy1]
GBC Offline
Graduate Boomer

Registered: 07/06/07
Posts: 18262
Loc: Massachusetts
Good Morning Boomers fall

Joe, hope the Cowboys recover.

Ana, stay warm and dry.

Gerry, thanks for the coffee.

Mary, have a great day today.

Connie, enjoy your night out.

Got a few errands to run today. Wishing everyone a wonderful day! car

#1130547 - 11/03/17 12:23 PM Re: TGIF [Re: gymcandy1]
looney4labs Offline
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 04/05/04
Posts: 47812
Loc: Alabama
Fantastic Friday ya'll puppy

Just back from walking...Hubby is off today so he wander-walked Keoki while I took the youngest 2 with me. It was hot hot hot out there. We are in the 80's all week. Now we are waiting for the dogs to cool down so we can feed them. Boys will be here this afternoon.

We will be watching Blizzcon on and off and hopefully, sneaking in the new Marvel movie at some point this weekend. wavegirl

Edited by looney4labs (11/03/17 12:24 PM)
"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole."
-Roger Caras

#1130555 - 11/03/17 01:37 PM Re: TGIF [Re: gymcandy1]
soot Offline
Puzzled Moderator
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 04/16/05
Posts: 28623
Loc: Usually up an Alabama Tree
Good morning Diner Gang

YES!! Day off today to sit in on Blizzcon and enjoy two days of Blizzard gaming news, arenas, stories, videos, music and more

Take care all

To learn, read...To know, write...To master, teach...To live, play games & listen to whale music

#1130590 - 11/03/17 06:24 PM Re: TGIF [Re: gymcandy1]
Sorta Blonde Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 11/29/04
Posts: 9667
Loc: San Diego, CA
Good day here. Went to the bank with my rental income checks, then off to Costly Co for stocking up on food and goodies. Cool weather, maybe gonna rain tomorrow but nice Fall weather for now. dance
WARNING! This person is extremely blonde...please type SLOWLY.


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