We owe a lot to Thomas Edison - if it wasn't for him, we'd be watching television by candlelight.
~Milton Berle~
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An Illinois man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida,
his wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.
When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email,
unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her email address,
he did his best to type it from memory.
Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an
elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before.
When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor,
let out a piercing scream and fell to the floor in a dead faint, at the sound,
her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen.....
DEAREST WIFE...
JUST GOT CHECKED IN...
EVERYTHING PREPARED FOR YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW...
P.S.
SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE.
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Things that are difficult to say when you're drunk...
a) Innovative
b) Preliminary
c) Proliferation
d) Cinnamon
Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk...
a) Specificity
b) British Constitution
c) Passive-aggressive disorder
d) Transubstantiate
Things that are ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk...
a) Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you.
b) Nope, no more booze for me.
c) Sorry, but you're not really my type.
d) No kebab for me, thank you.
e) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
f) I'm not interested in fighting you.
g) Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing.
h) Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no co-ordination. I'd hate to look like a fool.
i) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street.
j) I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.
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There were these two cows, chatting over the fence between their fields.
The first cow said, "I tell you, this mad-cow-disease is really pretty
scary. They say it is spreading fast; I heard it hit some cows down on the
Johnson Farm."
The other cow replies, "Hell, I ain't worried, it don't affect us ducks."
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A group of Americans are touring Ireland. One of the women in the group is a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining: "The bus seats are uncomfortable, food is terrible, too hot, too cold, accomodation is dreadful..."
One day, the group arrives at the site of the famous Blarney Stone. "Good luck will be followin' ya all your days if you kiss the Blarney Stone," their guide says. "Unfortunately, it's being cleaned today and so no one will be able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back tomorrow."
"We can't be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouts. "We have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can't kiss the stupid stone."
"Well now," the guide says, "it is said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good fortune."
"And I suppose you've kissed the stone?" the woman scoffs.
"No, ma'am," the frustrated guide responds. "But I have sat on it."
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Three guys enter a disabled swimming contest. The first has no arms. The second no legs and the third has no body, just a head.
They all line up, the whistle blows and "splash" they're all in the pool.
The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly but the guy with no legs is closing fast. The head of course sank straight to the bottom.
Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. He can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool, so he decides he had better dive down to rescue him.
He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places the head at the side of the pool, where upon the head starts coughing and sputtering.
Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts: "Three years I've spent learning to swim with my ears, then two minutes before the whistle, some **** puts a swimming cap on me!"
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Heaven is when you have:
* An American salary.
* A british home.
* Chinese food.
* A Swiss economy.
* An Italian body.
* A Japanese technology.
* An African tool.
* An Indian wife.
Hell is when you have:
* An American wife.
* A british body.
* A chinese tool.
* Swiss food.
* An Italian technology.
* A Japanese home.
* An african economy.
* An Indian salary.
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Good morning everyboomie.
It's Tuesday November 14th, and our temps for the next 4 days are going to be 70, 68, 69, and 80 degrees, before we cool off for the weekend.
The weekend will be in the 60s.
Not complaining at all.
I'm sitting here struggling to keep my eyes open right now, and it's only 6:00.
Perhaps I should put in a girlie video.
Nah, then I wouldn't be able to get the heart rate low enough to go to sleep.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
acebook
witter
Remember this old commercial 
Good Morning Joe, soot, Ana and all. Coffee, tea and hot chocolate for everyone.
