Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.
When NASA first started sending up astronauts,
they discovered that their ball point pens would
not work in zero gravity.
To overcome this small problem, NASA scientists
spent three years and $7 million to develop a pen
that would write in zero gravity, upside down, on
almost any surface and at any temperature.
(guess that's why the Russians used a pencil)
A Dinner Conversation That Went Wrong
WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)."
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
WIFE: - - - silence - - -
When Santa Gets Annoyed
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur for Xmas. Iv ben a good boy all yer.
Nice spelling. You're on your way to being a career lawn care
specialist. How 'bout I send you a [blip] book so you can learn to read and
write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger, at least HE can spell!
I want a new bike, playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum
kit, pony, and a tuba.
Who names their kid 'Francis' nowadays? What a fag name.
I really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE Timmy
That whiney begging s**t may work with your folks, but that c**p don't
work up here. You're getting a sweater again.
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get in to our home?
First, stop calling yourself 'Marky.' That's why you're getting your
ass whipped at school. Secondly, you don't live in a house, that's a low-rent
apartment complex you're living in. Thirdly, I get inside your pad just like
all the burglars do, through your bedroom window. Sweet dreams!
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for
your reindeer outside the backdoor.
Milk gives me the s**ts and carrots make the reindeer f**t in my face.
You want to be a kiss ass? Leave me a glass of Chivas Regal.
I've written you for three years now asking for a fire truck. Please,
I really, really want a fire truck this year.
Let me make it up to you. While you sleep, I'm gonna torch your house.
You'll have more fire trucks than you'll know what to do with.
A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Drinks for all on me. That is including you, bartender."
The bartender follows the man's order and says, "That will be $42.50 please."
The drunk says he has no money, and the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.
The next night, the same drunk comes in and orders a drink for everyone in the bar including the bartender. Again, the bartender follows the drunk's instructions and the drunk says he has no money. So the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.
On the third night he comes in, the drunk orders drinks for everyone except the bartender.
The bartender says, "What, no drink for me?"
"Oh, no. You get violent when you drink."
Good morning everyboomie.
Another day, another dollop of daisy.
Whatever that is.
We were in the mid 50s Wed. when it finally got there, and I have to admit I took to the couch like a bear in hibernation until after noon. I was waiting for a bit of sunshine which we finally did achieve at about 2:30.
I took Missy and Beau to the park, and then back home, and after a little exercising, I hit the couch again.
Thursday is going to be in the mid 40s, so I'm not sure what will be going down here......other than the temperature.
The dogs are pretty restless being cooped up inside, so I'm sure we'll be going parking.
After that, the world is fair game.
Have a happy day everyone.