Christmas is a tonic for our souls. It moves us to think of others rather than of ourselves. It directs our thoughts to giving.
~B. C. Forbes~
Disgusted by what he has seen on earth, God decides to destroy it and start over.
He orders one of His angels to appear at the offices of four of America's leading
newspapers, the Wall Street Journal, the SF Chronical, the Washington Post and
the New York Times, in order to give them the scoop that He intends to destroy
the world in 2 days time.
The next morning, the following headlines appear:
Wall Street Journal: GOD TO DESTROY THE WORLD TOMORROW!! MARKETS WILL CLOSE EARLY!
SF Chronicle: GOD TO END WORLD TOMORROW!! ANTI-RELIGIOUS PROTESTS PLANNED. ACLU TO SUE GOD!!
Washington Post: END OF THE WORLD IS AT HAND, GOD SAYS!! SEE ARTICLE ON PAGE 12-B.
New York Times: GOD VOWS DESTRUCTION OF THE EARTH!! WOMEN, CHILDREN AND MINORITIES TO BE HARDEST HIT!!
Maria is a devout Catholic: She gets married and has 17 children. Soon after the last child is born her husband dies.
A few weeks later she remarries and over the following years has another 22 children with her second husband.
After the last child is born her second husband also dies.
Within a month Maria is engaged to be married a third time. Unfortunately she becomes very ill and dies.
At her wake, the priest looks tenderly at Maria as she lies in her coffin, looks up to the heavens and says,
"At least, they're finally together."
A man standing next to the priest asks, "Excuse me, Father, but do you mean Maria and her first husband, or Maria and her second husband?"
The priest says, "I mean her legs."
Four U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado, and off they spin to OZ. After threatening trials and tribulations, they finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great Wizard.
"What brings you before the great and powerful Wizard of Oz? What do you want?"
Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly, "I had a terrible time with Iran, so I've come for some courage."
"No problem!" says the Wizard, "Who is next?"
Up steps George Bush Senior sadly, "I'm told by the American people that I need a heart."
"I've heard its true." says the Wizard. "Consider it done. Who comes next before the great and powerful Oz?"
George W. bush steps forward, "Well, I think I need a brain".
"Done" says the Wizard.
Then there is a great silence in the hall. Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn't say a word. Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, "What brings you to the emerald city?"
"Is Dorothy around?"
Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer is down. You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as priests. So what else would you like to be?"
The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains."
"So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.
The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of this week 'count', St. Peter?"
"No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep track of what you're doing."
"In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud."
"So be it" says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.
A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests. "Will you have any trouble locating them?" He asks.
"The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult."
"Why?" asketh the Lord.
"He's on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota."
A pregnant woman is in a car accident and falls into a deep coma.
Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer
Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies,
"Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl.
The babies are fine.
Your brother came in and named them."
The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother, he's an idiot!"
Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"
"Denise," says the doctor.
The new mother thinks, "Wow, that's not a bad name!
I guess I was wrong about my brother.
I like Denise!"
Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?"
The doctor replies, "Denephew."
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a genie comes out.
The genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."
"Me first! Me first!" says the administration clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." The genie snapped his fingers and poof, the woman disappeared.
"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." The genie once again snapped his fingers and poof, the man disappeared.
"OK, you're up," the genie says to the manager.
The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
This guy walks into a bar wearing a Lion jersey and carrying a little dog that also has a Lion jersey on with a little Lions helmet too. The guy says to the bartender, "Can my dog and I watch the Lions game here? My TV at home broke and my dog and I want to see the game."
The bartender replies, normally, dogs in the bar would not be allowed, but it is not terribly busy in here, so you and the dog can have a seat at the end of the bar. But, if there is any trouble with you or the dog, I'll have to ask you to leave.
The guy agrees and he and his dog start watching the game. Pretty soon the Lions kick a field goal and the little dog jumps on the bar and walks down the bar and gives everyone a high five.
The bartender says, "Hey, that's cool! What does he do for a touch down?"
The guy answers, "I don't know, I've only had him for 3 years."
A mountain woman went to the doctor and was told to go home and come
back in a couple of days with a specimen. When she got home she asks
her husband, "What is a specimen?"
He replies. "Hell if I know. Go next door and ask Edith. She's a nurse"
The woman goes next door and comes back in about twenty minutes with
her clothes all torn and with multiple cuts and bruises on her face
and body. "What in the world happened?" asked her husband.
"[blip] if I know," she replies. "I asked Edith what a specimen was and
she told me to go piss in a bottle.
I told her to go s--- in her hat and then all hell broke loose.
A school teacher started his first job at a primary school and was eager to make a good impression on the kids. So, when he noticed a boy standing all by himself during recess, while the other kids were playing a game of soccer, he walked up to him and asked "Are you alright ?"
The boy assured him everything was fine and the teacher left it at that. A few minutes later, however, he noticed that the boy was still standing alone and had not joined the other boys.
Deciding to find out what was wrong this time, the teacher approached him again and said, " Hi, are you sure you're not feeling left out? Would you like me to be your friend ?"
The boy obviously felt a little embarrassed, but after a little hesitation said, "Maybe". Encouraged by his progress, the teacher asked, "Tell me, why are you standing here alone?"
"Because", the boy said with clear exasperation in his voice. "I am the goalie"
Good morning everyboomie.
Holy cow it's Christmas Eve!
This stuff just sneaks up on me.......I wonder what year it is.
Time to load up the old sleigh. On Dasher, on Dancer, on Comit, on Missy!
If I put a cat out in front, Missy could pull the whole darned sleigh by herself.
Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way. Oh what fun it is t watch Missy pull the sleigh.
I kill me.
Have a happy Christmas Eve everyone.