Giving is a really big thing around Christmas, as well it should be. Christmas is about giving, and it all stems from the greatest gift the world has ever received - the gift of Jesus Christ.
A drunk staggers into a bar and says to the bartender,
"I'd like to buy everyone in the bar a drink and get one for yourself too!"
The bartender makes the drinks and everyone raises their glass
and yells "CHEERS!" and downs their drinks.
The bartender says "That'll be $37.50."
The drunk says, "Kiss my big white rear, 'cuz I don't have any money!"
This infuriates the bartender who then jumps over the bar and beats up the drunk and throws him out into the street.
The next day the same drunk walks into the same bar and says,
"I'd like to buy the whole bar a drink, and get one for yourself, too".
The bartender figures that maybe he was a little hard on the guy the day before and decides to give the guy the
benefit of the doubt. He makes the drinks and they all say,
"Salute!" and down the drinks.
The bartender says, "That'll be $42,50."
The drunk replies by putting his thumb to his nose, wiggling his fingers, and making a loud raspberry noise followed by, "I don't have any money and you can kiss my big white rear!"
This angers the bartender even more than the first time.
He jumps over the bar and beats the drunk and throws him out
into the street onto his face and kicks him a few times for good measure.
The next day the same drunk walks into the same bar, but before he can say anything the bartender says,
"Let me guess, you want to buy the whole bar a drink and I should get one for myself, too, right?"
The drunk replies, "No way, you get too violent when you drink!"
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo? A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodo
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: So the date of conception of your baby was August 8th?
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
Q: She had three children, right?
Q: How many were boys?
Q: Were there any girls?
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
Q: Did you check for breathing?
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted.
Bob, the owner, had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last.
Just then a man came in coughing and he ask John for their best cough syrup. Try as he might John could not find the cough syrup. Remembering Bob's warning he sold the man a box of Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once.
The customer did as John said and then walked outside and leaned against a lamp post.
Bob had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had transpired.
"He wanted something for his cough but I couldn't find the cough syrup. I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once" John explained.
"Ex-Lax won't cure a cough!" Bob shouted angrily.
"Sure it will" John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp post.
"Just look at him. He's too darned afraid to cough!"
A guy walks into a bar and shouts, "When I drink, everybody drinks!". Everybody is cheering him and applauding like crazy.
Feeling great, he finishes his beer, asks for another one and shouts, "When I drink again, everybody drinks again!". Once again, everybody is cheering him, he is the hero of the bar.
When he is done drinking, he pulls out his wallet and shouts, "When I pay, everybody pays!".
"I'm afraid," said the heart surgeon, "that you're going to need a bypass operation."
The patient squirmed uneasily in the seat.
"I-I'd like a second opinion, if you don't mind."
"Not at all," replied the surgeon. "You're also extremely ugly."
A man sits down at a bar and asks the bartender for 30 year old glass of wiskey.
The Bartender turns around and pulls a bottle of out of the cabinet and pours the glass and hands it to the man.
The man takes a drink and then spits it out and says "I asked for 30 year old wiskey! That's only 15 year old wiskey!"
So then the bartender turns around and and gets an old bottle and pours the man a glass.
The man takes a sip and says "I asked for 30 year old wiskey! Thats only 25 year old wiskey!"
So the bartender takes an old, spider web covered bottle and pours the man a glass
The man takes a sip and says "Aww now thats 30 year old wiskey!"
An old man at the end of the bar slides the man a glass and says "Take a sip of that"
The man takes a sip and he says "that tastes like pee"
The old man at the end of the bar says "It is, now tell me how old I am".
MERRY CHRISTMAS MORNING EVERYBOOMIE!
I heard Santa land on my roof last night.
He couldn't find a chimney to come down, so he just left.
His reindeer's hooves left about 12 holes in my metal roof.
My insurance agent said it was covered, but I have a $2000 deductible.
I just looked at Missy, and Pepper, and our little guest Beau and smiled, thinking it's all good.
Have a happy day everyone.
And, God bless us everyone.