Your success and happiness lies in you. Resolve to keep happy, and your joy and you shall form an invincible host against difficulties.
An old man, Mr. Smith, resided in a nursing home. One day he went into the nurses' office and informed Nurse Jones that his [blip] died.
Nurse Jones, realizing the Mr. Smith was old and forgetful decided to play along with him. "It did? I'm sorry to hear that," she replied.
Two days later, Mr. Smith was walking down the halls at the nursing home with his [blip] hanging outside his pants.
Nurse Jones saw him and said "Mr. Smith! I thought you told me your [blip] died". "It did" he replied; "Today is the viewing."
A cardiac specialist died and at his funeral the coffin was placed in front of a huge mock up of a heart made up of flowers. When the pastor finished with the sermon and eulogy, and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart opened, the coffin rolled inside and the heart closed. Just then one of the mourners burst into laughter.
The guy next to him asked: "Why are you laughing?"
"I was thinking about my own funeral," the man replied.
"What's so funny about that?"
"I'm a gynecologist."
Chinese Wisdom, translated
Virginity like bubble, one prick - all gone.
Man who run in front of car get tired.?
Man who run behind car get exhausted.?
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.?
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.?
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.?
Man with one chopstick go hungry.?
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.?
Panties not best thing on earth, but next to best thing on earth.?
War does not determine who is right; war determine who is left.?
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.?
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.?
It take many nails to build crib, only one screw to fill it.
Man who drive like hell bound to get there.?
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.?
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.?
A preacher is buying a parrot.
"Are you sure it doesn't scream, yell, or swear?" asked the preacher.
"Oh absolutely. It's a religious parrot," the storekeeper assures him.
"Do you see those strings on his legs? When you pull the right one, he recites the lord's prayer, and when you pull on the left he recites the 23rd Psalm."
"Wonderful!" says the preacher, "but what happens if you pull both strings?"
"I fall off my perch, idiot!" screeched the parrot.
Donald Rumsfeld gave the president his daily briefing. He concluded by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."
"OH NO!" the president exclaimed. "That's terrible!"
His staff was stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the president sat, his head in his hands.
Finally, the president looked up and asked, "Just how many is a brazillion?"
There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."
"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."
The new manager walks into his office and, while settling into his new desk, finds 4 envelopes. On one he finds the words "open me first," and the other three are numbered 1 to 3.
He opens the first envelope and finds a letter from his predecessor saying: "These three envelopes will save you a world of trouble. In case of emergency, please open these envelopes in sequential order; envelope one first, envelope two second, and envelope three third."
The manager shrugs, puts the envelopes back, and forgets about them.
Six months later, the workers go on strike. The company closes, and is losing money fast.
After a long night negotiating with the union, he remembers the 3 envelopes. So he opens the first one and it says: "Blame me, your predecessor for every thing".
Wonderful idea he thinks, and indeed it works and the crisis comes to its end. His job is saved, and everybody's happy.
A few months later, another strike hits. He goes to the drawer and opens the second envelope. It reads, "Blame the government for everything".
It works like a charm, and he breathes a sigh of relief as his job is, once again, saved.
A month later the workers declare another strike. The manager goes to the third envelope and it reads, "Prepare 4 new envelopes".
Good morning everyboomie.
I plan on spending a couple of days entertaining my guest.
I wish upon every boomer here a great big beautifully happy day.