Let our New Year's resolution be this: we will be there for one another as fellow members of humanity, in the finest sense of the word.
This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody.
There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it.
Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did.
Somebody got angry about this, because it was Everybody's job.
Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it.
It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done!
A seven year old boy goes to the hospital with his grandmother to visit his grandfather.
When they arrive there he runs ahead of his granny and bursts into his grandpa's room.
"Grandpa, as soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog," he shouted.
"What for?" asked his grandpa.
"Grandma said that as soon as you croaked, we're going to Disneyland"
A man walks into a pet shop and says to the owner. "Ok I want to buy a pet, but I don't want a boring normal pet, no cats, or dogs or budgies I want something different." The pet shop owner informs him that he has a talking centipede. "really?" Says the man "How much?" The owner informs him that the talking centipede is $50. Happy with the unusual offering the man pays the money and takes his new pet home.
On getting home he lays the match box with the centipede in it on the table, opens it and says "Hello mr centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks?" The centipede says nothing. Figuring it must be tired from the journey he decides to leave it for an hour and try again later.
An hour later he opens the match box and says "Hello mr centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks?" The centipede again says nothing. Starting to get suspicious the man decides he will give it one more hour, and if the centipede doesn't talk he will take it back to the shop for a refund.
An hour later the man opens the match box and says "Hello mr centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks?" The centipede says "I heard you the first time you moron! I'm putting my shoes on!"
An old guy and his son had a one-mule farm where they eked out a living. One day, the son hit the lottery and won $50,000. He rushed into town, collected his money, then hurried back home, where he told his father the good news, and handed him $50 bill.
The father looked at the money for a moment and then said, "Son, you know I've always been careful with what little money we had. I didn't spend it on whiskey or women. In fact, I couldn't even afford a license to legally marry your Ma."
"Pa!" the son exclaims, "do you know what that makes me?"
"Sure do," said the old guy fingering the fifty-dollar bill. "And a [blip] cheap one, too."
A lady stumbles into a bar. She says, "Beertender, give me a dribble martuni, and put a pickle in it."
He gives it to her, and she drinks it down.
She says, "Beertender, give me another dribble martuni, and put a pickle in it." He gives it to her, and she drinks it down.
She says, "Beertender, give me another dribble martuni, and you better put two pickles in it, because...because I've got heartburn."
The bartender says, "Look, lady...it's not beertender, it's bartender. It's not a martuni, it's a martini. It's not a dribble, it's a double. That's not a pickle, it's an onion. And you haven't got heartburn, You have your left breast in the Ashtray!"
There's this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "if I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!" Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen".
This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest said, "you have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen." The Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no-one had told the new priest about the code word.
Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about, your own wife fell three times this week."
A very well endowed young lady went to the doctor for her annual check up. The doctor told her to remove her clothes and get up on the examining table.
Shyly, she said to him, "Oh doctor, I just couldn't undress in front of you."
"Ok. I'll turn off the lights for you, you undress, then tell me when you're ready," the doctor said.
A few moments later, she called out, "I've undressed, doctor. What shall I do with my clothes?"
"Just place them on the chair, on top of mine."
An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives.
Upon surveying his situation, he says to himself: "I've had it".
There is a ray of light from the sky and a voice booms out: "No, you have not had it.
Pick up that stone in front of you and bash the head of the chief".
So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash in the head of the chief.
He is breathing heavily while standing above the lifeless body.
Surrounding him are the 100 native warriors with a look of shock on their faces.
The voice booms out again: "Okay, NOW you've had it!"
Good morning everyboomie.
Wait, what day is this?
We had a great day here today. Went and saw Jumanji 2. Really enjoyed it.
I'm actually looking forward to Friday when we're going to be back up to 50 degrees.
Until then, I'll have a happy day today, and hope you do too.