We are what we think. All that we are arises with our thoughts. With our thoughts, we make the world.
If you understand English, press 1. If you do not understand English, press 2.Recording on an Australian tax help line
My friend, an intern, was given $50 to get the chairman of the bank some lunch. Told to get himself something, he bought a shirt.
I was at the customer-service desk, returning a pair of jeans that was too tight.
“Was anything wrong with them?” the clerk asked.
“Yes,” I said. “They hurt my
Girl: Ick! Why does this sandwich have bacon on it?
Friend: You ordered a BLT.
Girl: Whaaaat? I thought the B stood for bread.
At an art gallery, a woman and her ten-year-old son were having
a tough time choosing between one of my paintings and another artist’s work. They finally went with mine.
“I guess you decided you prefer an autumn scene to a floral,” I said.
“No,” said the boy. “Your painting’s wider, so it’ll cover three holes in
As the hostess at the casino
buffet showed me to my table, I asked her to keep an eye out for my
husband, who would be joining me
momentarily. I started to describe him: “He has gray hair, wears glasses, has a potbelly ...”
She stopped me there. “Honey,” she said, “today is senior day. They all look like that.”
I guess this is what happens after you’ve worked at the same place for a while. I was eating at a fast-food restaurant when an employee began his shift by walking into the kitchen area and calling out, “Honey, I’m home!”
Honest Brand Slogans
Hallmark: “When you care enough to give a card mass-produced by
Ritz crackers: “Tiny, edible plates.”
CliffsNotes: “They’re still going to know you didn’t read the book.”
Gillette: “We’re just going to keep adding blades.”
ChapStick: “You’ll misplace it before the tube’s empty.”
Hot Pockets: “Every bite is a different temperature.”
Client to designer: “It doesn’t really look purple. It looks more like a mixture of red and blue.”
Don’t get upset if I ask you
where something is in Target when you choose to wear a red shirt and khakis to shop.
Humorist Reid Kerr
A woman called our airline
customer-service desk asking if she could take her dog on board.
“Sure,” I said, “as long as you provide your own kennel.” I further explained that the kennel needed to be large enough for the dog to stand up, sit down, turn around, and roll over.
The customer was flummoxed:
“I’ll never be able to teach him all of that by tomorrow!”
```````````Weird Things Librarians Hear
Librarians may be shy, but
their patrons aren’t. Look at their oddball requests:
A patron offered me $100 to steal
a cactus from somebody’s yard.
A patron wanted me to find a
book to teach her dog German.
A patron on his way to the casino asked to rub my red hair for luck.
A patron once asked me for my home phone number so she could call me with reference questions when I wasn’t at work.
Roz Warren, from womensvoicesforchange.org
Most of our music store customers have a story about their old vinyl collection. Once, a man asked how much a record cost. My coworker quoted him the price, then added, “But there’s a surcharge if we have to listen to how your mother made you throw out all your old vinyl records.”
Mary goes to the post office to buy 50 stamps for her Hanukkah cards. “What denomination?” asks the postal clerk.
Mary thinks a second before
replying, “Give me six Orthodox,
12 Conservative, and 32 Reform.”
G00d m0rning everyb00mie.
Guess what. I'm ging t0 have t0 send my lapt0p in f0r repair.
I have m0re keys that d0n't want t0 w0rk, s0 I called them t0day f0r an RA.
N0w I have t0 find an0ther lapt0p to use in the mean time, and I just gave my last one to J0shua when he came to visit.
I have an old Lenovo that will work, but I cannot find the power cord for it.
I don't throw these things away. I have at least a dozen old power cords, and adapters, but not the one for that Lenovo, so I ordered a new one from Walmart today. When I get it, I'll send this laptop back for repair.
I quit using that Lenovo because the 'enter' key quit working on it, but I can use an optical keyboard with it.
Oh yeah! Welcome to the weekend everybody!!
Have a happy day.