Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something.
I tried to say, "I'm a functional adult," but my phone changed it to "fictional adult," and I feel like that's more accurate.
Person 1: Hey Rachyl, do you remember me?
Person 2: Wrong number.
Person 1: What’s your number then?
Matt: Hey Dr. Park, this is Matt from the Vascular lab. I have an outpatient here with an external iliac occlusion with cold foot pin and numbness that started 3 days ago. What should I do with her?
Hannah: Hi, this is Hannah. I think you have the wrong number, but I Googled it and I’m pretty sure u need to put a stent in her left radial artery. Best of luck, Matt!
Matt: Sorry, wrong number Hannah. She ended up actually getting a stent. Took about 3 hours longer for trained medical professionals to figure out what took you 3 minutes.
Hannah: Yoooo, yall hiring?
Guy: I’m sorry. I hate when we fight cuz I really like you too and wanna be with you too and everytime we fight I feel like I’m gonna make u lose all the feelings u have for me and I don’t want that cuz I like when you like me back.
Girl: I love you too … But who are you?
Texts from Mom
Mom: How make chicken
Mom: Where buy chicken
Daughter: Mom, this isn’t Google.
Daughter: Dad there’s a moth on the outside of the bathroom door. Can you get rid of it?
Daughter: Please hurry because I’m going to cry.
I saw a driver texting and driving.
It made me so mad I threw my beer at him.
Autocorrect has become my worst enema.
Thanks to autocorrect, 1 in 5 children will be getting a visit from Satan this Christmas.
"I feel like carp today"
"Yeah, you look a little fishy"
Anyone who thinks "talk is cheap"...
obviously didn't pay my daughter's last mobile phone bill!
Dad: Dad is dead. You’re next. Love, Moth
The guy who invented predictive text died last night.
His funfair is next monkey.
The guy who invented auto-correct for smart phones passed away today.
Restaurant in peace.
You know you're texting too much when...
...you try to text, but you're on a landline.
Good morning everyboomie.
What a game last night huh?
I can't believe the Eagles came back to win it!
Actually I'm still watching the game, and it's half time.
It's been a good game so far, and I have to run and fix my dinner here while it's half time.
Have a happy day everyone.