It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.
Q: Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring?
A: He decided to stick it out for one more year!
Little Johnny walked in on his parents and saw them doing it. He asked his dad what he was doing to his mom. His dad said, "Go back to sleep, we're making you a little brother." In the morning, the dad was walking to his car when he saw Johnny banging the exhaust pipe and asked Johnny what he was doing. Johnny said, "I'm making myself a little car."
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a leech?
A: After you die, a leech stops sucking your blood.
I got in a fight one time with a really big tough guy who said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."
A teacher asked three students what causes war. The first student said, "Knives." The second one said, "Guns." The third one drew a dot on the board. The teacher asked, "What's that?" The student replied, "A period." The teacher asked "How does a period cause war?" The student replied, "If my sister misses one, my mom will kill her."
A man goes skydiving. After a fantastic free fall, he pulls the rip cord to open his parachute but nothing happens. He tries everything but can't get it open. Just then another man flies by him, going up. The skydiver yells, "Hey, you know anything about parachutes?" The man replies, "No, you know anything about dynamite?"
When characters in the movies go underwater, I like to hold my breath to see how long I can last. I almost died in Finding Nemo.
It is 2:00 am. There are a half dozen empty vodka bottles lying on the dimly-lit street. Two men standing in the middle of street have been arguing that the other man is more drunk. Finally, one man said to the other, “If you are not drunk, then climb up this column," pointing to the vertical beam of light that the flashlight in this right hand makes. Thinking a bit, the other man stuttered, “I am not that stupid. If I climb up to the top and you turn off the light, I will fall to my death!”
You might be a redneck if your home has more miles on it than your car.
A Fiat 500 pulled alongside a Rolls-Royce at a traffic light. "Do you have a car phone?" asked the driver of the Fiat. "Of course I do," replied the haughty deluxe-car driver. "Well, do you have a fax machine?" The driver of the Rolls sighed, "I have that too." "Then do you have a double bed in the trunk?" the Fiat driver wanted to know. Embarrassed, the Rolls driver sped off. That afternoon, he ordered a mechanic to install a double bed in the trunk. A week later the Rolls driver passed the same Fiat 500 parked on the side of the road with the back windows fogged up and steam pouring out. The arrogant driver pulls over, gets out of the Rolls, and bangs on the Fiat's back window until the driver sticks his head out. "I wanted to tell you I have a double bed installed," says the proud Rolls driver. The Fiat driver is unimpressed, "You got me out of the shower to tell me that?!"
An old lady was knitting & speeding down the highway. A cop pulled up alongside her vehicle & yelled, "Pull over!" She yelled back, "No, they're mittens!"
A film crew was filming in the highlands in Scotland when an old Gaelic seer came hobbling by and said, "Tomorrow rain," and hobbled on. Sure enough it rained the very next day. Again he hobbled past and said, "Tomorrow sunshine." It was indeed a fine sunny day the next day. The director was mighty impressed and got the crew to hire him and every day the wise old sage predicted accurately what the weather would be. But after a couple of weeks the old man didn't show up and eventually the director found him in a bothy and said, "Hey, we need your predictions, why aren't you showing up?" "Radio's broken," the old man replied.
Two guys are walking down a dark alley when a mugger approaches them and demands their money. Both scared, they pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash. Just then, one guy turns to the other and hands him a bill and says, "Hey, here's that twenty dollars I owe you."
A friend will help you move. A best friend will help you move a body.
One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are okay, then it must be you. - the late George Carlin
Three guys stranded on a desert island find a magic lantern containing a genie who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says, "I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here."
Signs you might be a redneck: You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk. You think taking out the trash means taking your in-laws to a movie.
Good morning everyboomie.
Welcome to Friday, the one and only.......................................this week.
Today down here ended up being overcast all morning, and we got a lot more rain last night before I went to bed, so I decided not to try going to the sod farm today.
It's still soggy to the max.
It was a nice warm day here however. Beau came over for the day, and we all went parking this afternoon.
Friday morning I get to go down Texas way to the VA, for labs. That means up early, and no breakfast.
I'm sure that I'll grace McDonald's, or Denny's with my presence just as soon as I finish donating blood.
Then, I get to go back and see the doc next Friday, for our semi-annual rendezvous.
Have a happy day everyone.