The greatest virtues are those which are most useful to other persons.
Police officer talks to a driver: Your tail light is broken, your tires must be exchanged and your bumper hangs halfway down. That will be 300 dollars.
Driver: Alright, go ahead. They want twice as much as that at the garage.
Why did the physics teacher break up with the biology teacher? There was no chemistry.
Q. Why do the French like to eat snails so much?
A. They can’t stand fast food.
Optimist: The glass is half full.
Pessimist: The glass is half empty.
Mother: Why didn’t you use a coaster!
I asked my daughter if she’d seen my newspaper. She told me that newspapers are old school. She said that people use tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad. The fly didn’t stand a chance.
She: I have a doctor’s appointment today but I really don’t want to go…
He: Just call in sick then.
A girl asks a boy: "Peter, how much do you love me?"
The boy looks her in the eyes, "Look up at the stars, that's how much I love you."
The girl is confused, “But it’s morning, there are no stars?”
Boy nods, "Exactly!"
A man goes to the lawyer: “What is your fee?”
Lawyer says: “1000 US dollars for 3 questions.”
Man: “Wow - so much! Isn’t it a bit expensive?”
Lawyer: “Yes, what is your third question?”
Bob: "Holy schmoozes, I just fell off a 30 ft ladder."
Jim: "No way man, are you okay?"
Bob: "Yeah, luckily I was just on the first step."
Police officer: “Your car is too heavily overloaded. I simply cannot let you continue like that. I’m going to have to take away your driver’s license.”
Driver: “You’re kidding me, right? The license can only weigh one ounce tops!”
When I look at chocolate, I hear two voices in my head.
The first one says: “You need to eat that chocolate.”
The other voice goes: “You heard. Eat the chocolate.”
Two years ago I asked the girl of my dreams on a date, today I asked her to marry me.
She said no, on both occasions.
Insurance clerk: "Where were you born, Sir?"
Man: "In the United States."
Insurance clerk: "OK, and which part?"
Man: "My whole body."
My wife is a bit weird. She always starts her talking with “Michael, are you listening to me?”
My SMS autocorrect just changed "I’m so concerned with existential anxieties it is difficult to breathe" to "I feel great".
The police stops a computer hardware engineer: “Your light isn’t working. You have to get off your bike.”
IT guy: “I tried that but the light still isn’t working.”
Bus driver to passenger: Don’t you want to sit down?
Passenger: No, I am in a hurry.
Good morning everyboomie.
This morning started out at a breezy 67 degrees. It felt pretty good y'all. Then the wind shifted around out of the North at about 30 miles an hour.
No problem. Down in the creek area you don't notice the wind.
I can't stop sneezing now though.
I walked the entire creek and only found one little triangle point. I almost didn't pick it up though. I thought it was just a flake.
It was a very disappointing day, but I did find something, which is always better than not finding anything.
I am also very tired from the trek.
I'm out of shape. I've been telling people I finally hit my growth spurt. Problem is I'm growing out, not up.
My jeans are so tight I can only button up half the buttons on my 501s. My underwear try to cut me in half, and I'm tired of it! Starting tomorrow I'm going to do something about it.
I'm going to buy bigger underwear.
Have a happy day everyone.