“My girlfriend's dog died. So I got her an identical one. She was livid: ‘What I'm going to do with two dead dogs?’”
~Gary Delaney~
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Q: Why did God create Adam first and Eve as second?
A: Because he wasn’t interested in listening to anyone telling him how to make Adam.
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A boy asked his father, "Dad, how much does it cost to get married?"
Father grimly replied, "I wouldn’t know son, I'm still not done paying for it."
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A mother thinks there’s something strange going on and eventually decides to take a DNA test.
She finds out that their child is actually not related to her or her husband at all.
Wife: "Darling, there’s something really important that we need to talk about. I did a DNA test and Roger isn't our biological child."
Husband: "Of course he isn’t, don’t you remember? We were just leaving the hospital and the baby pooped so you told me, ‘Go and change the baby, I’ll wait here.’”
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I haven’t spoken a word to my wife in years. She hates to be interrupted.“
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Oh, I didn’t expect you at work today Mr. Brundy, isn’t it your
mother-in-law’s funeral today?”
“Well you know how it is.Work first, then fun.”
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Mom, what does the stork do once he’s delivered the baby?
He lies on the couch, drinks beer, watches TV, burps and f*arts.
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85% of marriage communication consists of yelling "what?" from the other side of the house.
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“What the hell, are you insane?!”
„What? Why? I thought we agreed we’re going to throw our sorrows overboard on this Caribbean cruise!”
“Yes, Roger, but this was my mother!”
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A neighbor comes to Mr Myer and says, “Your dog bit my mother in law!”
Mr Myer is horrified and apologizes, adding sadly, “You’ll probably be wanting financial recompense, won’t you?”
“Absolutely not!” smiles the neighbor, “I’d love to buy the dog!”
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She: "Honey, I don't like you with the new glasses on."
He: "Sweetheart, I don't wear any glasses."
She: "I'm talking about my new glasses."
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I heard people say you can’t live without love.
-
I still think oxygen ranks higher.
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A wife hangs up after about a half-hour on the phone.
The husband is surprised, "Wow, that was quick - usually you women are at it for two hours at least!"
"Oh, it was a wrong number."
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My wife told me to go and get something that would make her look sexy. So I got drunk.
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"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage.
We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
Henry Youngman
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A man and a woman are having a date.
The woman remarks, “You know, you look totally like my third husband!”
The man is startled and asks, “Really, Laura, how many times have you been married?!”
“Twice.”
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A woman says, I don’t know what he’s complaining about. I made him a millionaire!
And what was he before?
A billionaire.
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My wife wants to talk to me about my childish behavior, and she can want all she likes, but she’s not getting inside my pillow castle without a password!
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My wife told me I was one in a million. When I looked through her text messages, I had to admit she was right.
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Women are saints. They forgive you even when you’re not guilty!
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A scientific study discovered that women with extra weight usually live longer than men who point it out.
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Men who ignore their wives’ raised eyebrows are losing valuable time in which to escape.
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Good morning everyboomie.
I'm here to console you all over the loss of your weekend.
There there, it'll be alright.
All better?
I actually went to the sod farm Sunday. When I got up and saw that we were only going up to 78 degrees I decided 'what the heck' and I hopped in the truck and headed out. I got out there at 9:40, and got back home by 12:30.
I didn't find anything, but then I didn't really think I would find much. I'm a 'glass is 1/4 full' type of guy.
It was very humid, and there was not much breeze, so.....ugh!
We have 50% rain chances Monday, so I've got my fingers crossed.......and toes.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
acebook
witter
Hope you get some rain on Monday.
Hope the rain is not too bad on Monday.
