My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.
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~Dave Barry~
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How can they call it "Alcoholics Anonymous" when the first thing you do is you stand up and say,
‘My name is John and I am an alcoholic’?
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Smile and the world smiles with you. F*art and the world suddenly stops smiling.
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Pessimist: "Things just can't get any worse!"
Optimist: "Nah, of course they can!"
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Mum, I'm already 14, can't I finally get a bra?!
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NO Harold! I said NO!
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Two men are discussing their lives. One says, "I’m getting married. I’m sick of a messy apartment, dirty dishes, and no clothes to wear." The other one says, "Hey, I’m getting divorced for the same reasons."
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A man hired a lawyer when he got sued by his company for embezzlement of many millions. At the beginning of the process, the lawyer kindly reassured him: „Don’t worry, you’ll never go to jail with that amount of money.“
And the lawyer was right. When the man did go to jail eventually, he didn’t have a penny left.
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Two fortune tellers meet. First one says, “We’re going to have a hot summer again.” The second one sighs happily: “Yes, it reminds me of the summer of 2092…”
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Me: “Do you think it’s strange to talk to yourself?”
Me: “No.”
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What’s a state clerk’s favorite day of the week?
Tuesday. There’s no point starting anything new so shortly before the weekend.
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“Mom, is it true I was brought by a stork?”
“Yes darling, that’s right!”
“Oh, so daddy is an impotent?”
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My brother went to jail. He didn't take it very well. He was yelling insults and
attacking everyone.
I don't think we'll let him play Monopoly with us again.
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Late one night a robber wearing a mask stopped a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. "Give me your money," he demanded. Scandalized, the man replied, "You can’t do this – I’m a US Congressman!" "Oh! In that case," smiled the robber, "Give me MY money!"
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An almost hysterical man calls 911 and yells, "Please come quickly! Marie is pregnant and her labor started now, it’s really intense!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the operator.
"No you idiot! I'm her husband!"
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Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear quite bright – until you hear them talk.
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Good morning everyboomie.
Happy day after yesterday!
I was woken by thunder this morning, and it kept going for a while, and when I finally go up and looked outside, it's clear blue skies.
When I went to the park, I could see water puddles everywhere, so I know we got a little bit of a shower.
After going to the park I thought I would tempt fate and I washed my truck.
That was my day in a nut shell.
Speaking of nut shells, my supper consisted of Pistachio nuts.
That's all.
Missy likes them too.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
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They discovered the plumber messed up a valve when he was here last and it's been leaking since. They also are putting a camera in the drain because the believe they need to cut out the concrete slab to replace the drain pipe. Awesome. Just awesome. 
