The trouble with political jokes is that very often they get elected.
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Will Rogers
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You stole my Microsoft Office and for that you’re going to pay.
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You have my Word!
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Web site log in: Sorry, your password 257EeffQ@# is not secure enough.
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Cash machine login 1234: Here’s your $1000 dollars.
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When I greeted my boss in the morning, he told me to have a good day.
Who am I to argue? So I thanked him and went back home.
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I’m already doing 60 in a 30 mph zone and still that guy is sticking to me. And now he’s blinding me with these fancy blinking blue lights. The world is full of psychos!
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Wow you look great! Did you lose weight?”
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“Hey – did you just call me ugly and fat in retrospect?!”
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Not every badly unkempt guy is homeless. It could well be that he lives with 3 females and only 1 bathroom.
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A German, an American and a Russian walk into a bar.
The bartender looks at them suspiciously and says, “Is this some kind of a joke?”
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Waiter? I’m sorry, but I cannot eat all this. Would you be so kind and pack it for me? To take away?
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But sir, this is a buffet.
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"Oh I don't mind. Pack it up!“
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I wish I could go to the Maldives again.”
“Wow, you’ve been to the Maldives?”
“No, but I wished it before.”
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I broke my personal record for a 100 meter dash: I’m on 64 meters.
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I saw a poster today, somebody was asking “Have you seen my cat?” So I called the number and said that I didn’t. - I like to help where I can.
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I just like to sleep naked. The air-hostess could have been a bit more understanding.
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Q: What is 35 feet long and has 42 teeth?
A: A bus full of rednecks.
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One redneck to the other: Do you think I should tell my folks I’m adopted?
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Redneck at the doctor: “Doc, I think I’m in trouble, I swallowed an ice cube 3 days ago and it ain’t come out yet.”
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Q: What’s the downside of being a redneck kid at Christmas?
A: You just have one set of grandparents to get presents from.
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How do you tell a redneck is married? There are tobacco spits on either side of his pickup truck.
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When two rednecks divorce, do they still remain family?
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Redneck: "My girl broke up with me... at least she said we could still be cousins.
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"Why don’t rednecks get sick so often?
Germs have their pride too.
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You know you might be a redneck when:
You see a "No crack" sign and you pull your pants up.
The dog can’t help gagging whenever he sees you eat.
You finally get to cutting the grass and find a car.
You think the stock market has a fence around it.
Your family tree is just one long trunk with no branches.
Your beard attracts birds.
You took out your toothpick only for wedding pictures.
Fast food is hitting a possum at 80 mph.
You've at least once hit a deer with your car because the food store was already closed.
You’ve ever had the thought rat traps made acceptable gifts.
A night trip to the bathroom involves mud boots.
People hear you coming in your car quite a long time before they get to see you.
You have lard on your bedside table.
You had to ditch your back seat bench so all your children could fit in.
Sixth grade is senior year.
You have a really bad fall and the one thing you save is your beer.
You had to buy a VCR because all the wrestling matches are on when you're at work.
You take your garbage to the dump and come back with more than you brought there.
They banned you from the zoo because you distress the monkeys.
You keep seeing your neighbors on Jerry Springer.
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Good morning everyboomie.
What, Monday??
We had a great day here, it stayed below 90 degrees, and had a good wind all day.
After I took the dogs to the park, I mowed the lawn again.
Monday is going to be 86 for the high with wind again, and I just might drive out to the sod farm.
My best hope is that they've plowed some ground up, or to search the valley where they dumped all the grass sod and dirt that was scrapped off the field.
At any rate it would be a nice day trip.
Have a super day everyone.
joe
acebook
witter
All the rain we've been getting lately has caused the temperature to drop.
Going to sit here and enjoy it 
