Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.
~Buddha~
````````
A Brazilian, a Frenchman, and a Nigerian were in a plane. The pilot told them that they have to jump out of the plane when they find their country. The Brazilian jumped out when he saw the Christ the Redeemer statue. The Frenchman jumped out when he saw the Eiffel Tower. When it was the Nigerian's turn the pilot asked, "When will you jump?" The Nigerian put his hand outside the plane window. When he brought it back in, his watch was gone. He said, "Ah, we've reached my country."
`````
Why are there no ice cubes in Poland? Because they lost the recipe.
`````
Q: How many Frenchmen does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five. One to hold the light bulb and four to turn the house.
`````
Q: Why is North Korea not as fun as South Korea?
A: Because it has no Seoul.
``````
What's the difference between an Irish wake and an Irish wedding? One less drunk.
``````
Have you heard the Mexican weather forecast? Chili today and hot tamale.
``````
Q: Does Britain have a 4th of July?
A: Yes, and a 5th and a 6th too
`````
Two men from Dublin are walking to the annual Dublin Fair, when it starts to rain. "Patrick, put your umbrella up, it's raining." "I can't, Mick, it's got holes in it." "Holes in it? Then why did you bring it with you?" "I didn't think it would rain."
``````
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?" The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?" The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?" The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."
`````
Q: Why did the can crusher quit his job?
A: Because it was soda pressing.
`````
An organization is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at different levels. The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces. The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but a**holes.
`````
A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff. He thinks he's smarter being a big shot lawyer from New York and has a better education than an sheriff from West Virginia. The sheriff asks for license and registration. The lawyer asks, "What for?" The sheriff responds, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign." The lawyer says, "I slowed down and no one was coming." "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration please," say the sheriff impatiently. The lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you can give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket." The sheriff says, "That sounds fair, please exit your vehicle." The lawyer steps out and the sheriff takes out his nightstick and starts beating the lawyer with it. The sheriff says, "Do you want me to stop or just slow down?"
```````
Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off." The man replies, "And how would you do that?" The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside down from the ceiling. The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?" The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb." The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off." The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?" The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."
```````
A doctor reaches into his smock to get a pen to write a prescription and pulls out a rectal thermometer. "Oh, [blip] it," he proclaims, "Some a**hole has my pen!"
```````
A thief stuck a pistol in a man's ribs and said, "Give me your money." The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said, "You cannot do this, I'm a congressman!" The thief replied, "In that case, give me MY money!"
``````
A doctor and a lawyer are talking at a party. Their conversation is constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asks the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?" "I give it to them," replies the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill." The doctor is shocked, but agrees to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepares the bills. When he goes to place them in his mailbox, he finds a bill from the lawyer.
```````
Three doctors are discussing which types of patients they prefer. Doctor Watson says, ''I prefer librarians. All their organs are alphabetized.'' Doctor Fitzpatrick says, ''I prefer mathematicians. All their organs are numbered.'' Doctor Ahn says, ''I prefer lawyers. They’re gutless, heartless, brainless, spineless, and their heads and rear-ends are interchangeable.''
``````
A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around. "What the hell do you think you're doing?" "I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line." "Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me sticking it to the guy in front of me, do you?"
`````
Good lazy Sunday morning to one and all.
It's a really great day here for several reasons. One is the expected high of only 90 degrees. Only 82 degrees on Monday
Another is the 40% rain chance we have, and 90% chance on Monday.
The best thing though is that I don't have to mow the lawn, which I freely admit is a plus ++ on just about ANY day.
Beau came to visit us today, so we three
mutts are about ready to take another walk.
I plan on inspecting the insides of my eyelids just as much as possible today, which I freely admit is a great plan for just about ANY day.
That's my only plan.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
acebook
witter
Hope you find the time to do something fun, anyway.
