I attempted to fish in Scotland and I managed to hook a dog. It was a horrible moment but the dog turned out to be fine.
~Emily Blunt~
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A camel meets an elephant. The elephant asks jokingly: “Why do you have two breasts on your back?” The camel replies: “With a face like yours, I’d keep my mouth shut.”
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I really can’t stand it when homeless guys shake their cups of money at me. Do they really have to rub it in that they’ve got more cash than I do?
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Weather girl: “…. and because of the cold front coming in from North-East, we can expect about 3 inches of snow, or, as my colleague Bill would say, 8 inches.”
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A boss announces to his staff: “I’ve lost a wallet with 500 dollars, if you find it, I’m offering a 100 dollars finder’s fee!”
A voice in the background says: “I’m offering 200!”
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"Mom, how come I still didn’t get my period? I mean I’m already 19 and Janet got hers when she was just 13!"
"Listen to me, Brian, you’re NOT getting a period ever!"
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Excuse me, didn’t you forget to flush the toilet?
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Of course I did, otherwise it wouldn’t stink like this, would it?
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A guy tells his friend, “Man I think my wife may be dead…”
Friend: “What?! Why would you think that?”
Guy: “Well in bed she’s the same as ever but the kitchen got quite messy…”
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Don’t you hate it when you come to somebody’s place and they just can’t shut up asking you stupid questions like “what do you want” and “who are you” and “omg is that a real gun?”
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My neighbor came at me really aggressively, asking if I knew anything about her underwear disappearing from her clothes line.
I can tell you I nearly messed in her pants.
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Would you cheat on your wife?
Sure. Who else would I be cheating on?!
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A man well into his seventies asks his wife: "Mary, doesn’t it make you sad when you see me running after those young girls sometimes?"
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"Not in the least, Peter,” replies Mary, “our dog chases cars all the time and there’s also no chance he could manage to drive one!"
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“Daddy, I inherited my intelligence from you, didn’t I?”
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“That’s right my clever girl!”
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“That makes sense, because mommy’s still got hers.”
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A guy asks a woman, “Would you sleep with me for $100?“
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“Of course not!” replies the lady.
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“Pity,” sighs the guy, “I could really use the money.”
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I’m not happy with this and I’d like to exchange it please.
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But that’s your bank statement Mr Dibbley!
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I said exchange it!!!
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In a bakery:
Man to the shop assistant: “I’ll have that thing there, please.”
Shop assistant: “Cupcake?”
Man: “OK, Cupcake, I’ll have that thing there, please.”
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You have to appreciate how badass the Chinese are, making their language totally out of tattoo symbols.
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Two mice meet and start chatting. “Look,” says one after a while, “I’ve got a new boyfriend!” and shows a picture on the mobile phone.
“OMG,” cries the other mouse, “that’s a bat!”
“What?! The guy told me he was a pilot!”
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I’ve read so many horrible things about drinking and smoking recently that I made a new, firm New Year’s resolution: NO MORE READING!
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Two blind dudes are fighting really viciously. How do you stop them?
You shout, “I’m betting on the dude with the knife!”
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Some nice Chinese couple gave me a very good camera down by the Washington Monument.
I didn’t really understand what they were saying, but it was very nice of them.
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Did anyone notice that the “&”symbol looks like a dog dragging his butt across the floor?
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Good morning everyboomie.
Ready for another one?
Me neither.
Well it was a wild day in the NFL. Dallas, and Houston both played at 12:00, so I kept flipping back and fourth between the two. Dallas had a 10 point lead in the 3rd quarter, and Houston had a 18 point lead late in the 3rd. Dallas kicked a field goal with 4 seconds left in the game to win by 2 points. Houston kicked a field goal with 3 seconds left in overtime to win by 3.
The icing on the Sunday cake was that Phillidelphia lost in overtime, and the Giants lost as well.
It just goes to prove that old saying "On any given Sunday, no matter how bad they are, my Cowboys can win a game."
Now I've otta get off of here and go watch the game again.
I could NEVER watch them win too many times.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
acebook
witter
Hope your next game is better.
