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#847793 - 11/08/12 12:08 AM Thursday
gymcandy1 Online   happy
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 04/24/05
Posts: 29945
Loc: Mead, Oklahoma
"The pure impulse of dynamic creation is formless; and being formless, the creation it gives rise to can assume any and every form." --
Kabbalah
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

"My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man."

"Well, I'll be darned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.

"I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is extremely drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end. That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly. But, he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt.

A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up something terrible. Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed.

The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.

"Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?"

"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."

"A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?"

"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?"

"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time", he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.

"Hi there." slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push??"

"No, get lost, it's half past three. I was in bed." says the man and slams the door.

He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says:

"Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost??"

"But the guy was drunk." says the husband.

"It doesn't matter." says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him."

So the husband out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts:

"Hey, do you still want a push??" and he hears a voice cry out "Yeah please."

So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts: "Where are you?"

And the stranger replies: "I'm over here, on your porch swing."
~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.

"Why of course", comes the reply.

The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"

"I'm from Scotland", replies the second man.

The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Scotland too! Let's have another round to Scotland."

"Of Course", replies the second man.

Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Scotland are you from?"

"Aberdeen", comes the reply.

"I can't believe it", says the first man. "I'm from Aberdeen too! Let's have another drink to Aberdeen."

"Of course", replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"

"Saint Andrews", replies the second man. "I graduated in '62."

"This is unbelievable!", the first man says. "I went to Saint Andrews and graduated in '62, too!"

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.

"What's been going on?", he asks the bartender

"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The MacClyde twins are drunk again."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One night a man walks into a bar with a pig. The bartender says to the man, "That's a great looking pig, but why does he have a wooden leg?"

So the man says, "Let me tell you about this pig. He is one special pig. One night my house was on fire and he dragged me to safety. Saved my life."

The bartender says. "Well, that's great. But why does he have a wooden leg?"

The man says, "Let me tell you about this pig. He is one special pig. One time I was out sailing and the boat capsized. This pig swam me to safety. Saved my life."

The bartender says, "That's really terrific, but why the wooden leg?"

The man says, "Let me tell you about this pig. He is one special pig. Last week during an earthquake my house collapsed and my pig pulled me out. Saved my life."

And finally the bartender says,"Wow, that is one special pig. He saved you from a fire, an earthquake and from drowning. But why does he have a wooden leg?"

The man says, "When you have a pig this special you can't eat all of it at once."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Good morning everyboomie. 

Ham anyone?  grin

I kill me!  snicker

Once more I'm at death's door.

That means in a few minutes I'll be in bed, and dead to the world.  sleep

If I'm still like that in the morning just prop me up in the corner, put some cigars in one hand, and a cup in the other, and call me Kaw-Liga.  razz

If I'm still that way after 5:00, just lay me down and put coins over my eyes. 

You might check my pulse first. cool

Have a happy day everyone.  woot

joe
_________________________
"Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in." Will Rogers

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#847802 - 11/08/12 02:27 AM Re: Thursday [Re: gymcandy1]
Haroula Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 06/02/10
Posts: 7483
Loc: Greece
Good morning boomers have all a nice day flowers
_________________________

Dear Math, please grow up and solve your own problems, I'm tired of solving them for you.



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#847808 - 11/08/12 03:11 AM Re: Thursday [Re: Haroula]
cailyn Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 01/08/06
Posts: 6008
Loc: Somewhere ? in Massachusetts?
Good morning Joe,Haroula,and all who make it here later wave It's still raining with howling wind here eek Coffee is ready,Ana good news for you on your test rahHave a great day all shiver
_________________________
I may not have gone where I intended to go,but I think I have ended up where I need to be.

Sue

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#847819 - 11/08/12 04:44 AM Re: Thursday [Re: gymcandy1]
Kaki's Sister Offline
Graduate Boomer

Registered: 11/21/04
Posts: 16866
Loc: Marlborough USA
shiver Good Morning Joe, Haroula and Cailyn. We are having another northeaster (storm). It started yesterday morning. We now have several inches of snow and it's still snowing. The wind is howling and blowing the snow. It's really cold. shiver Some have lost power because of the wind. Keeping my fingers crossed we don't lose power! Joe sleep tight. Haroula I's love some of your warm sunshine! Cailyn did you get any snow? Hope everyone enjoys the day! wave
_________________________
Gerry

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#847828 - 11/08/12 05:38 AM Re: Thursday [Re: Kaki's Sister]
cailyn Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 01/08/06
Posts: 6008
Loc: Somewhere ? in Massachusetts?
Hi Gerry.no snow here a lot of rain temp.is 42,I hope you don't lose power cat
_________________________
I may not have gone where I intended to go,but I think I have ended up where I need to be.

Sue

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#847830 - 11/08/12 06:07 AM Re: Thursday [Re: gymcandy1]
GBC Offline
Adept Boomer

Registered: 07/06/07
Posts: 14240
Loc: Massachusetts
Good Morning Boomers

Joe, love the twins joke.

Haroula, good day to you.

Cailyn, we're snowed in. Need coffee!

Gerry, same weather here. Stay warm.

School delay here and I have a eye doc appointment this morning that I may reschedule. Windy and cold. shiver
_________________________
Gail

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#847833 - 11/08/12 06:34 AM Re: Thursday [Re: gymcandy1]
connie Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 07/12/02
Posts: 7980
Loc: winter springs fl.
Good morning everyone. Prayers all in the path of the new storm are safe and warm. angel It's quite chilly for here at 47. penguin I need to go to the grocery store for a few things today. To all here and all who follow, have a Wonderful Thursday. Danish, Oatmeal with fruit, and Blueberry Pancakes in the NC. Hot Chocolate with Marshmallows too. fall
_________________________
Connie

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#847853 - 11/08/12 08:44 AM Re: Thursday [Re: gymcandy1]
soot Offline
Puzzled Moderator
True Blue Boomer

Registered: 04/16/05
Posts: 21111
Loc: Usually up an Alabama Tree
Good morning everyone .. yes, the general outlook is that winter is on the way .. Brrrr

Off to work after a week off with WOM .. it was grand laugh

Take care and enjoy the day!

Whoosh...

wave
_________________________
To learn, read...To know, write...To master, teach...To live, play games

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#847858 - 11/08/12 08:55 AM Re: Thursday [Re: gymcandy1]
venus Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 03/07/09
Posts: 5329
Loc: Arcadia (twin world of Stark)
Joe, hope you're feeling more alive later. lol

Have a nice day, too, Haroula.

Have a great day as well, Cailyn.

Gerry, I saw some of the pictures of the snow they had north of here. eek Hope yours doesn't accumulate that much, and hope you keep your power!

Sorry you're snowed in, Gail. Sounds like a good day for gaming anyway. grin

Have fun at the grocery store, Connie. Thanks for all the delicious food and hot chocolate. grin

Hope work goes well, and stay warm, soot!

I'm off today. happydance It's been a long week, and I had trouble keeping my eyes open toward the end of the day, yesterday. It will be worth it when my paycheck comes, though. yes

My friend and I got some really good food at Wegmans yesterday, and I just had some of it for breakfast. As for today, I think I'll use the opportunity to catch up on some games. thumbsup

Hope everyone is having a great Thursday. fall

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#847875 - 11/08/12 09:50 AM Re: Thursday [Re: venus]
Darlene Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 02/10/00
Posts: 9299
Loc: Southern California
wave Howdy ho, sweet Joe! Thanks for the openers! Have a happy, happy day!

Good morning, sweet 'Boomies!

Prayers of safety going up for all on the East coast! hearts

Alrighty, gotta skoosh! See you later!
_________________________
You become what you think about. Change your thoughts, change your life. - Dko

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#847895 - 11/08/12 11:03 AM Re: Thursday [Re: gymcandy1]
auntiegram Offline
Adept Boomer

Registered: 06/10/06
Posts: 13521
Loc: northern Wisconsin
Joe are you up yet?? lol Hope work flies so you can get started on your day off!! Thanks for the laughs.

Haroula have a lovely day!

Cailyn stay dry if ya have to go out. Hope the storm ends soon. Have a lovely day!

Gerry I pray that the power stays on and that the storm ends soon!

Gail I pray that the snow stops soon and that the delay isn't too long. Be safe if you go out to your appointment. I vote for gaming instead. lol

Connie we are almost as warm as you at 44. lol Have fun grocery shopping. Thanks for the danish!!

Soot at least you only have one more day to work after today. lol Have a good one!

venus have a fun day catching up on your games!!!! Enjoy!!

Darlene may all go smoothly today! Have a lovely day!

No plans yet but ya never know around here. lol

wave
Nan

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#847899 - 11/08/12 11:34 AM Re: Thursday [Re: gymcandy1]
flutist Offline
Adept Boomer

Registered: 07/17/01
Posts: 11365
Loc: Kirkwood, MO USA
Good morning y'all.

Started the day with a trip to Wally World. Nothing exciting.

It was 29 degrees when we got up this morning but has started to warm up already. Mid to upper 50's today. Me thinks me will play some more games today. Probably could think of something more constructive to do, but what the hay!! Games are more fun.

Stay safe all of you who are in that nasty weather.

Bets
_________________________
Corgis fill your life with Joy, your heart with Love, and your soul with Sunshine.

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#847912 - 11/08/12 12:36 PM Re: Thursday [Re: gymcandy1]
looney4labs Offline
GB Reviewer Moderator
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 04/05/04
Posts: 42088
Loc: Alabama
Thumping Good Thursday ya'll. The sicky ickkies seem to have taken up residence in my throat and chest. I expect my day will involve being as still and quiet as possible while inhaling as many hot liquids as I can.

Back later guys wave
_________________________
"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole."
-Roger Caras

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#847917 - 11/08/12 01:17 PM Re: Thursday [Re: gymcandy1]
flutist Offline
Adept Boomer

Registered: 07/17/01
Posts: 11365
Loc: Kirkwood, MO USA
Sorry to hear that L4L. Hope you get to feeling better fast. Hugs.
_________________________
Corgis fill your life with Joy, your heart with Love, and your soul with Sunshine.

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#847919 - 11/08/12 01:23 PM Re: Thursday [Re: gymcandy1]
BrownEyedTigre Online   happy
The Sassy Global Moderator PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 01/04/04
Posts: 64459
Loc: In the Naughty Corner
lol I really need to stop starting a post and then getting distracted with something else and closing my browser. I did it twice today already. :doh:

I am off to the park with the dogs. Merlin is limping badly today but it isn't stopping his enthusiasm to run. He has such a heart for running free I can't deny him. puppy

L4L, Hugs to you!
_________________________
How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?

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