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#861601 - 01/11/13 12:58 AM Re: Home care [Re: BrownEyedTigre]
Homer6 Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 04/18/02
Posts: 5568
Loc: Oklahoma, USA
Mary, go online and check your states' health care services, looking for the department which monitors caregivers; if they have one.

See if they have a rating system for individual caregivers or caregiver agencies. Perhaps they may even have recommendations for those who need companions.
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If something gets your goat, it just proves you have a goat to get.

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#861634 - 01/11/13 10:01 AM Re: Home care [Re: Mary]
Mary Offline
Addicted Boomer

Registered: 11/02/99
Posts: 3653
Loc: New York
Homer,
Thanks for the idea; I will do that over the weekend.

Draclvr,
We found the same kind of facility for my mother-in-law that you described; we also thought it would be perfect for her, but she's hesitating in making the decision--she doesn't want to leave the home she's in now. She put down a deposit on the new apartment, so she's got to make a decision fairly soon whether she'll move or not. I'm wondering if this situation actually triggered her most recent visit to the ER (doctors didn't find anything wrong with her, but she claims she short of breath).

None of us can keep going on this way: except for one of her sons who lives near her, the rest of us have 2 1/2+ hours to get to her if she needs help. Doctor visits are frequent, and now we've had 2 visits to the ER in the past year or so.
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#861645 - 01/11/13 10:48 AM Re: Home care [Re: Mary]
Draclvr Offline
Adept Boomer

Registered: 06/03/05
Posts: 10208
Loc: In Missouri near St. Louis
We were in the same position with my mom - she simply did not want to leave her home. And we understood that, but we told her there finally comes a time that she must think of her family and how it affects them. My sister has her hands more than full with her husband who had a leg amputated about a year ago and a full time job - plus she needs to have both her hips replaced. My brother is a farmer and works 12 - 16 hour days much of the time and I live 600 miles away. Then there was the home maintenance and repair. There is just no way we can continue to do all that on top of everything else as she is no longer able to do any of it herself. Her safety was our #1 concern and she was simply no longer safe in her own home. Her favorite thing is that she can now shower as often as she wants and needs in safety. I told her she will actually be MORE independent in the apartment because she won't need to wait for someone to come to her house and assist her with a shower or get her mail for her and she can walk down the hall to the clinic for her Dr. appointments.

And whether she will admit it or not, having a social life with people her own age has been a huge plus for her. She goes down to the nursing home wing to play Bingo and has neighbors over to play pinochle and eats lunch in a beautiful dining room with other people. At her house, she was alone all the time, especially in the winter. She does miss the great-grandkids popping in and out, but we've been making sure they get down to visit her often.

I certainly wish you the best of luck here as your MIL sounds like a difficult individual. It was very difficult with my mother and she is a lovely person!
_________________________
Fireplace, yarn, knitting needles, books, wine... check. Yup, I'm ready for winter.

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#861690 - 01/11/13 03:20 PM Re: Home care [Re: Mary]
butterflybabe Offline
Addicted Boomer

Registered: 07/27/05
Posts: 2179
Loc: Mt Prospect , IL
Mary, my heart goes out to you. My MIL was a hard-headed independent woman who outlived 2 husbands. She lived in the top apartment of a 2-story building for 20+ years and didn't want to move. Your MIL may be in decent health for her age but I'm sure it's already crossed your mind that it could change at any time.

My ex and I dealt with his Mom for seven years and she had a similar attitude to your MIL. So I have a strong suggestion, if you and your husband are expecting to have little or no help from the rest of his family, he will probably end up being her guardian. The person he hires, the live-in for MIL will, I expect also be asked to watch over her and report to him with problems, concerns, etc. If this is the situation that is beginning or looming for the near future, then you might want to consider moving her closer to you. She's not going to like what you do and you already know you can't please her, so you will want to find a balance between her care and your sanity.

My mom's gone 2 years now and my sister, who was closest to her both geographically and emotionally during the last few years of mom's life was in charge of dealing with doc appts and meds. My mom wasn't quite as stubborn as my MIL but she had her down times when she didn't like having to be taken care of, recognized and hated her impending loss of independence. My sister finally told mom that she was now in the time of her life when roles need to be reversed. The elderly become the children and their children become their parents, so to speak. Maybe that argument or something similar would help your MIL calm down or at least begrudgingly let you and your husband do what needs to be done.

Also, if this is the first time you're helping an elderly parent, even one who is understanding and cooperative, dealing with any health care system that focuses on the elderly, even the best of them, are an experience in itself. As the others have mentioned, there are plenty of horror stories (I have a few myself) and you may not be able to avoid working thru one before finding what works best for your MIL and that you two also like.

Mary, I don't know you and your husband at all but I was in your shoes about 10 years ago and learned that this process of taking care of the elderly can be very challenging on a marriage. Many times I didn't agree with my his decisions and he knew it. It's a tough spot for a husband/son, wife/daughter-in-law to be in and work thru.

If you'd like to talk and/or share further, please don't hesitate to PM me. yes puppy
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The new 'man' in my life is a cute little dog; waiting patiently for a nice guy to replace the 'ex' model.

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#861693 - 01/11/13 03:35 PM Re: Home care [Re: Mary]
Draclvr Offline
Adept Boomer

Registered: 06/03/05
Posts: 10208
Loc: In Missouri near St. Louis
Mary, it sounds like you have plenty of company here.

Personally, I would feel more comfortable living in a place where I could be independent with some support than having a perfect stranger come and live with me.
_________________________
Fireplace, yarn, knitting needles, books, wine... check. Yup, I'm ready for winter.

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#861698 - 01/11/13 03:45 PM Re: Home care [Re: Mary]
Mary Offline
Addicted Boomer

Registered: 11/02/99
Posts: 3653
Loc: New York
butterflybabe,
Thanks for your note. My husband is one of four sons. So far, all are in agreement as to what should be done to save the sanity of all involved. That saves a lot of grief: all sons can see that it is past the time that their mom should be alone in her home and have to try and take care of the house and grounds. If we can get her in an apartment that includes some services (fixing things when they break, get a cab for her when she needs to go to a doctor appointment, etc), things would be a lot easier for all of us. If she insists on staying in her home, we have to find a companion for her.
_________________________
The answer is....chocolate! Who cares what the question is.....

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