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#880264 - 04/11/13 10:51 PM TGIFday's
gymcandy1 Offline
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 04/24/05
Posts: 32192
Loc: Calera, Oklahoma
Survey reveals Top 50 funniest jokes ever told.
A joke about a male bus passenger insulting a woman's ugly baby has been voted the funniest gag ever told.

Researchers examined more than 1,000 jokes before whittling them down to a final 50 and getting 36,000 people to vote for their favorites.

Comedy genius Tommy Cooper had by far the most jokes in the list, which also includes gags by Peter Kay and Lee Evans.

Jokes ranged from the legendary one-liner about a zoo with just one dog being a 'shitzu' - to ones about wives, husbands, blondes and foreigners.

The study was carried out after Tim Vine's joke "I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again." was voted the best of this year's Edinburgh Fringe Festival.

A spokesman for OnePoll, which carried out the research, said: "The majority of these jokes are clean and genuinely funny - but a lot are pretty subjective and what one person finds hilarious, someone else may not.

"It's nice to see jokes from the greats like Tommy Cooper and Les Dawson are still up there and the ugly baby tale is a worthy winner.

"Many of the jokes in the list are fairly timeless and will still be making people chuckle in thirty years or more."


1. A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''

2. ''I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu.''

3. ''Dyslexic man walks into a bra''

4. A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut're next!''

5. A classic Tommy Cooper gag ''I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?'' He said, ''How flexible are you?'' I said, ''I can't make Tuesdays'', was fifth.

6. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other one off.

7. Two aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony was rubbish - but the reception was brilliant.

8. Another one was: Doc, I can't stop singing the 'Green Green Grass of Home'. He said: 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?'I asked. 'It's not unusual' he replied.

9. I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.

10. A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: ''Pint please, and one for the road.''

11. I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'Have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite.

12. My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.

13. I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah; I thought, ''He's trying to pull a fast one''.

14. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, ''But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.''

15. There's two fish in a tank, and one says ''How do you drive this thing?''

16. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

17. When Susan's boyfriend proposed marriage to her she said: ''I love the simple things in life, but I don't want one of them for my husband''.

18. ''My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.''

19. I rang up British Telecom, I said, ''I want to report a nuisance caller'', he said ''Not you again''.

20. I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

21. A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says ''I'll serve you, but don't start anything''

22. Slept like a log last night........ Woke up in the fireplace.

23. A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, ''Is this some kind of joke?''

24. A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says ''Sorry we don't serve food in here''

25. The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said ''Did you get my drift?''.

26. I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.

27. Went to the paper shop - it had blown away.

28. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. ''But why?'' they asked, as they moved off. ''because,'' he said ''I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.''

29. I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said, ''Are you two an item?''

30. I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar.

31. So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says ''Your eyes sparkle like diamonds''. I said, ''Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck''.

32. Four fonts walk into a bar the barman says ''Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here''

33. I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

34. There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

35. I went down the local supermarket, I said, ''I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it'', he said, "Those are pickled onions''.

36. I backed a horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four.

37. I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said ''may contain nuts.'' Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for! You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!''

38. A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins, What a turtle disaster

39. My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, ''Who's that calling at this time?' ''I don't know! If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!''

40. I said to this train driver ''I want to go to Paris". He said ''Eurostar?'' I said, ''I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin''.

41. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. But when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

42. I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel.

43. You see my next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.

44. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: ''I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.''

45. I tried water polo but my horse drowned.

46. I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

47. So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was Wedgie Kray.

48. Went to the corner shop - bought 4 corners.

49. A seal walks into a club...

50. I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, 'Go to Bournemouth, it's great for flu'. So I went - and I got it.

Good morning everboomie. welcome

Welcome to the new diner! penguin

I hope it's one of your favorites. rah

You should enjoy it.

I didn't write any of it. lol

Except this of course. I did write this. Actually I'm writing it now, as I ...... think... write. duh DUH!

I don't know how it's gonna turn out though, new computer and all. duh

I'm not sure if this computer is gonna be as funny as the last one, because it's a pretty serious computer.

It may not even have a sense of humor.

No joke....... snicker

Have a happy day everyone.


Edited by gymcandy1 (04/11/13 10:53 PM)
There are no strangers here; Only friends you haven’t yet met.

William Butler Yeats

#880266 - 04/11/13 11:09 PM Re: TGIFday's [Re: gymcandy1]
BrownEyedTigre Offline
The Sassy Administrator PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 01/04/04
Posts: 75353
Loc: In the Naughty Corner
You will just have to use your old computer if this one has no sense of humor Joe. lol So far, it seems to be holding its own. grin

Have a wonderful day everyone.

Ana wave
Don't feed the Trolls

#880278 - 04/12/13 01:14 AM Re: TGIFday's [Re: gymcandy1]
BobH Offline
Addicted Boomer

Registered: 10/14/11
Posts: 3440
Loc: 47.79N, 122.24W
So far so good Joe. We'll see if the new computer can keep up the high standards.

Hi Ana, and all those to come. Time for my peppermint tea.
As I've grown older, I've found that my memory is not as good as I used to think it was.

#880283 - 04/12/13 02:35 AM Re: TGIFday's [Re: gymcandy1]
Haroula Offline
Adept Boomer

Registered: 06/02/10
Posts: 10027
Loc: Greece
Good morning JoeAna,Bob and all who come in later wave
Have all a nice day happydance
I change all my passwords to "incorrect". So whenever I forget, it says, "your password is incorrect".

#880287 - 04/12/13 02:55 AM Re: TGIFday's [Re: Haroula]
cailyn Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 01/08/06
Posts: 6145
Loc: Somewhere ? in Massachusetts?
Good morning Joe,Ana,Bob.Haroula waveThe new diner fits great Joe,hi Gerry to you when you arrive wave Gail I have the coffee going,school vacation starts tomorrow and I'm sure my gr.daughter will have me running around crazy woozy Have a great day everyone puppy
I may not have gone where I intended to go,but I think I have ended up where I need to be.


#880301 - 04/12/13 05:51 AM Re: TGIFday's [Re: gymcandy1]
Kaki's Sister Offline
True Blue Boomer

Registered: 11/21/04
Posts: 22789
Loc: Marlborough USA
puppy Good Morning Joe, Ana, BobH, Haroula and Cailyn. Joe have fun with the new computer! Ana wishing you a stress free day. BobH welcome to the "new" Diner! Haroula enjoy your day. Cailyn thanks for the coffee. Hope your granddaughter doesn't make you to crazy next week! Enjoy the day all! puppy

#880308 - 04/12/13 06:16 AM Re: TGIFday's [Re: gymcandy1]
Midge Offline
Graduate Boomer

Registered: 04/30/00
Posts: 15613
Loc: Massachusetts
Good morning. Well, I was looking for the old diner but could only find this new one. Whew! Glad I found it. Thanks Joe for opening up. I've been away from here for awhile. Life, well, you know how it goes. Glad to be back though. I hope you all have been good. I have a split shift today so I need to get going for my morning shift. Have a good day everyone who comes in the diner today. Pay it forward for someone. It'll make you feel good. Oh, and please find some time to exercise. That will also make you feel good. Bye.

Midgie hearts woot chocobunny spring
Just do it.

#880311 - 04/12/13 06:20 AM Re: TGIFday's [Re: gymcandy1]
GBC Offline
Graduate Boomer

Registered: 07/06/07
Posts: 18262
Loc: Massachusetts
Good Morning Boomers

Joe, sounds like the computer is doing its job.

Ana, what's on your agenda for the day?

BobH, good morning.

Haroula, good day wished for you.

Cailyn, coffee is most welcomed. will be needing an extra cup during school vacation also.

Gerry, have a great day.

Midgie, glad to see you. Wishing you a wonderful day.

Rainy morning here. Will be dog walking if it clears up. A trip to BJ's later this afternoon.

Edited by GBC (04/12/13 06:21 AM)

#880315 - 04/12/13 06:37 AM Re: TGIFday's [Re: gymcandy1]
Kaki's Sister Offline
True Blue Boomer

Registered: 11/21/04
Posts: 22789
Loc: Marlborough USA
Good Morning Midgie and GBC. Midgie I do exercise every day. GBC I love to walk in the rain as long as there is no thunder and lightening! Enjoy your day all! wave

#880316 - 04/12/13 06:39 AM Re: TGIFday's [Re: gymcandy1]
connie Offline
Adept Boomer

Registered: 07/12/02
Posts: 10255
Loc: winter springs fl.
Good morning everyone. Today is our Anniversary, 51 years. No special plans as it's supposed to be stormy today. To all here and all who follow, have a Great TGIF. Danish, Muffins, French Toast, and Omelets in the NC. spring

#880337 - 04/12/13 09:51 AM Re: TGIFday's [Re: connie]
gymcandy1 Offline
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 04/24/05
Posts: 32192
Loc: Calera, Oklahoma
Marriage Birthday! birthday

51 years is awesome. thumbsup

Good morning everybody. wave

I'm getting ready for work in about an hour. yes

Two more days. chocobunny

Ana we did get rain all day two days ago, but only about 3/4 inch.

Hopefully it washed something up anyway. happydance

I need lots of points to fill up the new case that I ordered. lol

I hope everyone has a super Friday. WOO HOO! rah

There are no strangers here; Only friends you haven’t yet met.

William Butler Yeats

#880338 - 04/12/13 10:06 AM Re: TGIFday's [Re: gymcandy1]
flutist Offline
Adept Boomer

Registered: 07/17/01
Posts: 11505
Loc: Kirkwood, MO USA
Good morning y'all.

Last night, Susie was admitted to St. Clare Hospital. Tests today to see if she has gallbladder problems. Will be anxious to hear from Vince. She could use a few prayers please.

The sun is shining and the temp is supposed to get to around 50 today and in the 70's by Sunday. Ah yes.

Bill's glasses came in so we will go get them in a bit. Have a load of laundry in the washer and a second load ready to go in when the first one is finished.

Have a great day everyone.

Corgis fill your life with Joy, your heart with Love, and your soul with Sunshine.

#880341 - 04/12/13 10:11 AM Re: TGIFday's [Re: gymcandy1]
Darlene Offline
Adept Boomer

Registered: 02/10/00
Posts: 10371
Loc: Southern California
wave Howdy ho, sweet Joe! Thanks for the openers! Hope your Friday is fantastic!!

Happy Anniversary, Connie!! rah Woohoo and booyah!

Good morning, sweet 'Boomies!

Dinner tonight with BIL. We'll bbq tri-tip. Daughter and boyfriend will stop by... yay

Alrighty, gotta skoosh! See you later!
Woohoo and booyah! smile Have an easy peasy day!

#880347 - 04/12/13 10:32 AM Re: TGIFday's [Re: gymcandy1]
BrownEyedTigre Offline
The Sassy Administrator PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 01/04/04
Posts: 75353
Loc: In the Naughty Corner
Good morning everyone. Head is pounding so I'll be short and quick until I can get it under control.

Can you all please pray for Doc's (Karen's) mom? She was taken to the hospital last night with a blood pressure of 260/104 and her heart was not doing well. It's also her moms birthday today. hearts
Don't feed the Trolls

#880348 - 04/12/13 10:39 AM Re: TGIFday's [Re: gymcandy1]
looney4labs Offline
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 04/05/04
Posts: 47570
Loc: Alabama
Fantastic Friday ya'll puppy

I woke up shivering this morning. It's not cold for you guys up north, and it's not really cold here either. However, we had the whole house fan on, our bed is directly under the open windows, and I was on top of the covers. In the long run that is what got me up. I needed to turn the fan off and once I got up, I stayed.

My plans for the day are to 1) drink coffee, 2) go take care of all the car registration stuff that is due this month, 3) take the monkeys for a walk, 4)vacuum the entire house quite thoroughly, and 5)collapse.....hopefully in that order. Collapsing while renewing tags or walking dogs would not be a good thing. lol

Son had to open this morning after closing last night. He'll be screaming in 2ish to pick up my car (he doesn't like his kids to be in his car as he has been hit from behind twice while stopped at red lights with horrific rear end damage resulting on small cars so when the kids are here he uses my van or truck) so I have to be done running around by then so he can have it to get the kids.

Soot has to work tomorrow, so it's not Friday for him.

I heard on the news this morning that the storms left 3 people dead but I don't know if that is nation wide or just in AL. Shall have to pay attention the next time the news is on.

Joe, are you liking your new computer?

Ana, are you corner free? So sorry your head is misbehaving. Hugs. Thanks for letting us know about Doc's mom. How is Doc?

Bob, I like peppermint tea too. Do you have a favorite brand?

Morning Haroula, what's fun on the agenda today?

Cailyn, I hope you all have lots of fun.

Gerry wave

Midgy, how is your ankle? Any improvement?

Gail, I hope you get a break to get the doggies out and find something fun at BJ's.

Connie, Happy Anniversary! Woot Woot and Bravo on 51 years thumbsup

Bets, big hugs to you all. Gallbladder problems seem to be on the increase. I've known several folks who though young, had to have theirs removed. They had laser surgery and recovered quickly.

Darlene, happy skooshing!
"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole."
-Roger Caras

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